Tween with no interests

[Underparmummy]

Dh and I have spent the last few years (from when they started school) trying to find and foster hobbies and interest for our kids as a way of encouraging good self esteem. This is working well for two kids but not for one, the eldest. This kid has rejected all clubs and hobby ideas over a long period of years and we have stopped now to avoid the resulting fights and upsets. Also they are at senior school now so impossible to insist too much on what is essentially a negotiable.

They did have an anxious stage and a couple of sessions with a child psychologist. They said they hated clubs due to the group vibe and other people being there. School makes them do a certain number of clubs and pe is good so it’s not so much a heath worry (although food choices are another discussion..!).

At the weekends they do see school friends but other than that are just at home whilst the siblings are at matches, training etc. For a while they have insisted they don’t care and that endless TikTok in our lounge is their hobby (we do try to limit screen time). I do see some chinks now though and feel that they do have lower esteem and more worries than their siblings. Less likely to throw themselves or something or even just express an interest. The one thing they have now expresssed an interest in is a younger sibling’s hobby. I’m going to look into it but am worried the inevitable unfavourable comparison skill wise they will make will not help.

I feel we have failed to set them up with a good sense of self to help see them through the teen years they are on the cusp of and feel sad and worried about them. Some rather ‘babyish’ habits remain and we do try to not pick at these too much but it’s hard sometimes and combined with other stuff feels like we are not engaging probably with them.

Sorry, for such an essay, any advice or experience welcome

I have a DS who would happily spend every waking second playing minecraft or similar.

I make it a rule that he has to learn to swim properly for his own safety and he has to do one other activity which he can choose. No matter how much he moans and calls me names, those are the rules.

So he does a swimming lesson and a sports class every weekend. He's given up moaning because he knows it will get him nowhere and he enjoys his classes. He's pretty good at both now, more confident and has made some friends.

I just chose not to give in. I'll only know if I've got it right when he's an adult. You can only do your best.

Thank you for your reply, I totally agree on swimming! School covers that off for us. She does a musical instrument… but again at school in school time (only way that she is boxed in to going as she won’t make a fuss at school). Maybe we need to try again at another weekend activity, it’s just the thought of more arguments and having to physically drag her to the club every weekend that makes me want to eat my foot!

Mine dropped out of clubs at that age, and I didn’t force the issue. It’s a personal choice at the end of the day. But I do insist on one walk per weekend to get out in the fresh air.

You seem to be blaming the lack of self esteem and anxiety on not doing clubs, rather than vice versa? A child lacking in confidence is one less likely to throw themselves into passions and enjoy group activities.

Not wanting to get involved may be because of their personality, not the cause of their personality.

Are they doing well at school? You say that they have friends that they socialise with. If both those things are true, then you are winning in the teen stakes, tbh.

A hobby should be for pleasure and relaxation. You can't force a child (or adult) to like something.

Weekends are for downtime, especially after all the pressures kids have at school. If they find group activities stressful, there is little point to the hobby.

Don't underestimate the impact of lockdowns, and lack of schooling over the last 2 years. I think many teens/tweens are still feeling a little lost when having to deal with social interaction.

Some people are just not the group/hobby type, nothing wrong with that.

My eldest DC is like this. After a while we asked ourselves why we were trying to get them to do it. And we realised it was for us, not them. All they got out of it was stress and a feeling of pressure.

We still wanted them to be doing more than staring at a phone or gaming so we started with their interests. My DC loves to cook so we encourage that and make sure they have the ingredients etc to try one new thing every week. They enjoy cycling so we have entered them into solo challenge competitions etc.

Organised hobbies and activities are some peoples worst nightmare and that's OK.

Agree with Noblegiraffe... chicken or egg?

I am all for fostering an interest in the junior years which will then carry them through the turbulent times. But it sounds like you have tried various things and it hasn’t worked out. You don’t say how old your dd is, so I assume about 12? You could try making a list of the activities she has tried and discussing what the common denominators are that put her off. If she has friends,and didn’t like group activities then maybe a solitary activity would be better? I think you could unpick it with her and have a frank conversation about self esteem, and how it gets built and eroded, and how you are trying to set her up to have enough in the bank to deal with the tough times ahead.

Sometimes kids just go along with our ideas, but sometimes they need explicitly telling why we see it as such a priority.

Is she quite self involved and struggle to see things from others points of view?

What are you actually considering a 'hobby'? Is being at home building Lego, doing those fancy colouring books, reading etc things you would count as hobbies or do you feel they have to join a club? What did they do before they discovered tiktok? They might feel they are too old to 'play' but what did they used to play with? If they were all about a wooden train set when little would they be interested in a grown up version - ie Hornby trains?
No everyone wants to go out to do stuff. Sometimes they just want to be at home doing their thing.

This could be my youngest in a year or 2. He is current year 6.
Swimming stopped, as he can do my requirement of 500m, showing at least 3 different strokes.
He has a music lesson at school, but that only started last year, he was adamant he didn't want to learn an instrument until this particular one was demonstrated.
He also goes to football, but is often holding back tears at the end of a session, as he doesn't like the contact part (and, tbf, most of the kids are significantly larger than him), but still wants to go. Not sure how long that will last.
Other than that, he goes nowhere without me or DH. No meeting up with friends...
I'm hoping secondary will be the making of him, and he'll find some other kids more like him, and find his confidence.

His older brother, meanwhile, never stops. Different strokes for different folks.

What activities have you actually tried? If she is not a joiner/team person then maybe something like riding or tennis or chess would be nice? Or if she just wants to be at home maybe think of things she can do there - e.g. if she likes to cook, tell her you'd like her to bake something for the family once a week.

Really though, children don't HAVE to have activities, although I would maybe turn off the wifi so she has to find something other than screen time to amuse herself...

What are your hobbies? What do you all do together as a family? Are there limits on screen time and certain apps they aren’t allowed ?

I’ve said a firm no to Instagram, Snapchat and tiktok to my teen and tween. The hit to self esteem from using these apps is obvious. Set some ground rules then they’ll have to find other ways to fill their time.

The child does school, swimming and a musical instrument - why on earth is it necessary to have any other activity if they don’t want to. Let them chill out at the weekend.

It's good your DC is doing a musical instrument- could you encourage that more? The best way to make music is in a group of some sort, with others, and it's also great for building self esteem and a sense of identity. Many musicians are introverts - I have a theory that it is one of the reasons they are drawn to music (no need to have much of a conversation with peopl but a good sociable activity)