Parenting fail

[GreatPretender1977]

Parenting fail. How do I come back from this?

Just had a baby and have also had to rehome our dog, who we've had a year. My 9 year old has been very upset , of course, with these changes. I spoke to his mentor at school and I was worried about him, and she stepped in and said she would rehome the dog and that the school would use him as a therapy dog. She told this to my child and he's been so excited. Teacher took the dog and had him for less than 12 hours before changing her mind and bringing him back.

I am so upset and angry because I told teacher maybe we shouldn't tell child about these plans until we were 100 % sure. She said she WAS 100% sure. Now our dog has been rehomed to another family and I am trying to deal with the fallout. Child was at his dad's this weekend and so went into school thinking the dog was rehomed with mentor. I messaged mentor on Sunday to ask her to speak with child and him know. She ignored message and called in sick. So I got the brunt of it when child came home and he found out

Where I have failed spectacularly is that when I told him the news, instead of letting him feel his feels...I got really upset. I cried. My child had to comfort me. I expressed my anger and disappointment about the mentor whixh i shouldnt have done because now he feels the same. I think I made it more about me and now I feel terrible. I feel like I can't talk to my child about things because when he's upset I get upset amd I don't know how to stop doing that. How do i seperate my feelings from his, how do I regulate my emotions in front of him? And then I try and compensate by promising to take him bowling...is that wrong of me, to use a distraction in this way? I was not parented properly as a child and I have no idea what I am doing. I just feel guilty all the time.

How can I make it better with child when we get up for school in the morning? He is worried about all his friends as hes been telljng them about his dog being a therapy dog in the school. He said last night that we should try to forget about dog and move on. He is right, but I still feel I need to repair something somehow. Or should I just leave it?

Please be kind. X

Your job as a parent isn't to protect your child from every negative emotion. It's to teach him how to process them. But you have to learn to process them first.

Counselling?

But just for tomorrow, start with reflecting and empathising. Basically saying what he says back in your own words and understanding his emotions. Not trying to distract or cover them up. It is sad, he may feel angry, that's normal and natural.

Thank you

I've had extensive counselling the last 2 years. It's been immmenslwy helpful but unfortunately I can't afford to go private.

DS was having counselling at school...his mentor...the woman who said she'd take the dog. Ds said he would never speak to her again.

Empathising and reflecting. I did try and do those things yesterday but it all went wrong. I'm upset about the dog too.

Baby is 6 week old and I'm exhausted. Rehoming the dog wasn't an easy decision but I couldn't cope. The mentor solution was perfect I just wish he hadn't been told about it before she was 100% certain. I am annoyed with the mentor ( and myself for not pitting my foot down) as she insisted on telling him even when I expressed reservations

Should I bring it up today or leave it as a subject?

First of all, deep breath op. Take a step back in your mind and think of calm things! It is very tiring having a new baby.

It sounds as though the teacher was largely at fault so you are not to blame for this. I'm surprised someone who is a mentor is so impulsive and lacking in common sense so you are right to feel cross about that.

And why on earth would a dog that's not suitable to be around a baby be suitable as a therapy dog? (Unless he was given up for another reason.) Therapy dogs generally need extensive training going from a domestic situation to a "public" working role so I would have questioned all of this but no doubt you were so keen to lessen your son's disappointment, that you agreed to it. And it was v reasonable of you to assume that the teacher would be more sensible then she turned out to be!

However, in the grand scheme of things, this is one tiny setback in your son's life. It's upsetting for him but it's not a catastrophe as compared with some things that could happen. It's up to you as a parent to sympathise but also to suggest ways he might address this situation in his own mind. So for example you can acknowledge his sadness but at the same time repeat the reason why the dog needed rehoming eg "the dog had to live elsewhere to keep the baby safe' , 'its not the dogs fault but he couldn't be trusted not to hurt the baby'. 'Sometimes we have to do the right thing to protect others, even though we don't want to'.

Also, this morning, you could role play some responses that he could give to his friends as to why the dog isn't in school "it's disappointing but plans change" , "the dog had to go and live with another family", "yes I'm disappointed about it too but it wasn't my decision" .

I think it's possible, as a parent, to follow your dc too far down the rabbit hole of sympathising with their upset and anxiety. We want to sympathise of course, but we also want to keep our objectivity and model a response that is appropriate to events.

It sounds as though your DS is very mature and has the right idea about "moving on" from this situation, so I don't know why you think you have failed as a parent! And going bowling is not a bad idea at all; it will be good for him to spend some one on one time with you when there is a new baby in the house.

So chill a bit op, your baby is safe, you are a good parent, and your son will move on from this.

It's the mentor who's let him down, not you!

You trusted the mentor as a professional person whose sole job is to put your son first. Her idea about the dog seemed great - he'd still get to see the dog around school, and could still feel some ownership. It's the mentor who has been rash, and underestimated the responsibility. She should absolutely have understood the (legitimate) high emotion on your son's and your part re: the dog going away.

Also I think fine to have shown your frustration with the mentor. You'd specifically wanted to do this differently, to protect him until it was a certain way forwards. The mentor let you both down.

I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to see her. His honest response to her now would be anger and hurt.

(How good a counsellor was she?!)

Don't beat yourself up about being upset. You didn't make it about you. You felt the same as your son, and expressed it.

But now you do need to reframe this for him, just so he can function better with this uncomfortable reality.

I'd take the line 'ok well I guess she couldn't cope and didn't understand what she was doing, so it's really best the dog isn't with her. She was trying to help and didn't mean to let you down.'

I'd talk to the mentor, too, about how she sees the way forward repairing his trust in her.

Can your son still have contact with the dog? It may help him, although could be more painful in the short term.

Why does he have to 'of course' be upset that he has a sibling? I'd focus now on involving him in the joy and fun of a baby, which will get even better as his sibling starts to talk, walk, etc. If you do one thing, show him how to love his sibling and be excited about the process of teaching them about the world and being the best big brother.

Presumably you let the dog go so that you could focus clearly on the children, which is also totally understandable. Now do that. Be happy. You did the right thing.

Oh and bowling is a great idea. Yes, absolutely as something nice to cheer him up after this upset. Nothing wrong with that!

@Invitationtoclose88

First of all, deep breath op. Take a step back in your mind and think of calm things! It is very tiring having a new baby.

It sounds as though the teacher was largely at fault so you are not to blame for this. I'm surprised someone who is a mentor is so impulsive and lacking in common sense so you are right to feel cross about that.

And why on earth would a dog that's not suitable to be around a baby be suitable as a therapy dog? (Unless he was given up for another reason.) Therapy dogs generally need extensive training going from a domestic situation to a "public" working role so I would have questioned all of this but no doubt you were so keen to lessen your son's disappointment, that you agreed to it. And it was v reasonable of you to assume that the teacher would be more sensible then she turned out to be!

However, in the grand scheme of things, this is one tiny setback in your son's life. It's upsetting for him but it's not a catastrophe as compared with some things that could happen. It's up to you as a parent to sympathise but also to suggest ways he might address this situation in his own mind. So for example you can acknowledge his sadness but at the same time repeat the reason why the dog needed rehoming eg "the dog had to live elsewhere to keep the baby safe' , 'its not the dogs fault but he couldn't be trusted not to hurt the baby'. 'Sometimes we have to do the right thing to protect others, even though we don't want to'.

Also, this morning, you could role play some responses that he could give to his friends as to why the dog isn't in school "it's disappointing but plans change" , "the dog had to go and live with another family", "yes I'm disappointed about it too but it wasn't my decision" .

I think it's possible, as a parent, to follow your dc too far down the rabbit hole of sympathising with their upset and anxiety. We want to sympathise of course, but we also want to keep our objectivity and model a response that is appropriate to events.

It sounds as though your DS is very mature and has the right idea about "moving on" from this situation, so I don't know why you think you have failed as a parent! And going bowling is not a bad idea at all; it will be good for him to spend some one on one time with you when there is a new baby in the house.

So chill a bit op, your baby is safe, you are a good parent, and your son will move on from this.

Can't thank you enough . So helpful

The dog wasn't a threat to baby, I would trust him around any child. It was more to do with our change of circumstances and my health. He was a lovely dog, fully trained.

I can't believe a mentor would do this. It's so upsetting because this woman was the only person my ds would open up to. He needs her as he has issues with his father that he doesn't feel he can talk to me about. Mentor was his lifeline and now that's gone. He doesn't like any other teacher in the school. When i teached out to her yesterday to ask about how we should talk to ds , she ignored me and only replied last night, after I had to deal with fallout. I didn't know she has been off sick and thought she'd spoken to him. It was a nightmare.

Also, this morning, you could role play some responses that he could give to his friends as to why the dog isn't in school "it's disappointing but plans change" , "the dog had to go and live with another family", "yes I'm disappointed about it too but it wasn't my decision" the child is 9 not 49

OP: of course your child is sad! Just be kind and help them express it, there is loads of advice online. You can't do anything about yesterday, so do something about today and tomorrow. If he is sad, say 'I totally understand' and give him a big hug. After a few minutes of being with his feelings, suggest a comforting activity e.g. shall we go and make tea together. Repeat. It should wear off.

Your job is not to fix everything, but to care.

The teacher is ridiculously in the wrong here, not surprised he doesn't want to speak to her again!

Thank you ponchek

He definitely has mixed feeling about baby. When he comes back from his dad's he is more negative as i think his dad is feeding him poison. But then he becomes very affectionate and wants to soothe him or make him laugh.

I will speak to the mentor about repairing his trust. I just don't know how to broach it as I'm angry but I don't want that to get in the way of anything. She just said "Hope [dog]is happy now. I wasn’t in today as not well. Hope [ds] is ok "

It took all my strength not to reply and rant at her that no he is NOT okay. I haven't replied yet

Thank you for simplifying it and thanks to all for confirming the mentor was in the wrong.

Poor dog

labyrinthlaziness

the child is 9 not 49 grin

Those were suggestions about things that the boy could say to his friends in the event they said "where's this dog then, why isn't it at school as you promised?". You don't want the boy expressing sadness and getting upset at that point do you? It's just a few factual things the lad could say to deflect attention away from the situation eg "the dog had to go and live somewhere else" and change the subject. I am sure most nine year olds are capable of that!

Just asked him if he'd like to come up with some responses to his friends today and he said no and shook his body in a frustrated way and now seems upset again. He woke up okay. He's now got back into bed

I shouldnt have said anything.

Wow, she has lousy boundaries!
Re you getting upset - you just had a baby. Cut yourself some slack.

It's okay that you let your son see you have emotions about the situation imo. I think he needs you to see how he feels and that his feelings are legitimate and that is more important than you maintaining a calm front. He's 9, not 2. Also not sure him losing trust in the mentor is due to anything you said - it seems like an entirely valid reaction on his part to me.

Bowling is an awesome plan! It's not just a distraction, it's a nice thing for your son and a reminder that he is loved and you want him to be happy.

It sounds like things are tough but don't tell yourself you're doing a bad job. Your son sounds like a good lad so you must be doing something right! To keep calmer when discussing difficult things with him, is there anyone you could talk them over with first sometimes, to take some of the rawness out of it? Sounds like you're single, but a friend or family member you could ring? Even mumsnet. I really empathise with this problem, I find my son's upset incredibly difficult to deal with too.

If you do want to bring it up again, I would just affirm to your son that it's normal and okay for him to feel upset and angry, and that you're sorry about the way things have turned out, and emphasise how much he's helping the family by being so grown up about it even though he's sad. Give him the baby to cuddle (always made me feel better cuddling my baby siblings when I was a kid) and remember a baby/toddler can be so much fun for a nine year old who's old enough to a lot of things with them a younger one can't.

You're not a bad parent, you're six weeks post partum, things must be very intense right now! Personally, I would also support him in not engaging with that mentor again, if possible.

Ah, cross post. That sucks re the mentor, really irresponsible of her to have jeopardised that lifeline for your son.

Mentor is off sick again today

Maybe she is avoiding the situation

@Wulfenite

Wow, she has lousy boundaries! Re you getting upset - you just had a baby. Cut yourself some slack.

It's okay that you let your son see you have emotions about the situation imo. I think he needs you to see how he feels and that his feelings are legitimate and that is more important than you maintaining a calm front. He's 9, not 2. Also not sure him losing trust in the mentor is due to anything you said - it seems like an entirely valid reaction on his part to me.

Bowling is an awesome plan! It's not just a distraction, it's a nice thing for your son and a reminder that he is loved and you want him to be happy.

It sounds like things are tough but don't tell yourself you're doing a bad job. Your son sounds like a good lad so you must be doing something right! To keep calmer when discussing difficult things with him, is there anyone you could talk them over with first sometimes, to take some of the rawness out of it? Sounds like you're single, but a friend or family member you could ring? Even mumsnet. I really empathise with this problem, I find my son's upset incredibly difficult to deal with too.

If you do want to bring it up again, I would just affirm to your son that it's normal and okay for him to feel upset and angry, and that you're sorry about the way things have turned out, and emphasise how much he's helping the family by being so grown up about it even though he's sad. Give him the baby to cuddle (always made me feel better cuddling my baby siblings when I was a kid) and remember a baby/toddler can be so much fun for a nine year old who's old enough to a lot of things with them a younger one can't.

You're not a bad parent, you're six weeks post partum, things must be very intense right now! Personally, I would also support him in not engaging with that mentor again, if possible.

Thank you for this post. My son really is a good lad but I hate hate hate seeing him upset. I am absolutely gutted that yes, he has lost his lifeline at the school. I was really happy with this mentor because I thought if bad things are happening with his dad, and he can't tell me...at least he has his mentor. And now that's gone.

First time Mum here! My little man is 12 weeks old today and he cries all the time apart from when he is on my lap! I can't put him down for more than 5 mins without the wailing starting! I'll also get him to sleep and put him down for a nap and he wakes up after a couple of minutes. I can't get ANYTHING done at the moment! I'm self employed and am having to work in the evenings and weekends to get stuff done. He's absolutely fine when my fiance is home in the evening. My mum and mother in law said to let him cry but I feel awful doing this. Any other ideas or suggestions?
P.s. I've tried putting him in his swing, pram, on the sofa, in his nest, he will only nap on me 😩 P.s. he is breast fed so I'm sure this is part of the reason for his clingyness

@KellypZac

First time Mum here! My little man is 12 weeks old today and he cries all the time apart from when he is on my lap! I can't put him down for more than 5 mins without the wailing starting! I'll also get him to sleep and put him down for a nap and he wakes up after a couple of minutes. I can't get ANYTHING done at the moment! I'm self employed and am having to work in the evenings and weekends to get stuff done. He's absolutely fine when my fiance is home in the evening. My mum and mother in law said to let him cry but I feel awful doing this. Any other ideas or suggestions? P.s. I've tried putting him in his swing, pram, on the sofa, in his nest, he will only nap on me 😩 P.s. he is breast fed so I'm sure this is part of the reason for his clingyness

Think you posted on the wrong thread!