Anyone who did instant skin to skin/AP - how does this go down with family?

[bohemianbint]

I really wanted to have DS1 skin to skin immediately and this was in my birth plan - which unfortunately no one read! I ended up all in a gas and air haze and DP held DS whilst I was getting stitched up and he spent a fair bit of time bit of time being held by my parents. I got him skin to skin eventually and he breastfed fine but he was very unsettled for the first couple of months and cried an awful lot. It probably isn't related, but -

this time around I want to make sure I get immediate skin to skin, if possible, and am also planning to keep the new baby strapped to me for the first few months, in the hope that it will keep the it (I just typed him - I wonder if it's a sign?!) nice and calm and help it to fit in.

The only problem I see with this is family - apart from the fact they're all going to go on at me like I've gone mental, which I can live with, what do you do when 20 odd people descend on you all wanting a cuddle with the new baby? Has anyone refused? Did people get all offended?

If you think about the Continuum Concept, the big thing is that the baby is born into "arms" and doesn't touch the ground for the first six months. But it's not about being only the mother's arms - it's about being held, the "tribe" getting to know the newest addition.

I think AP sounds a bit lonely compared to that, so you might want to consider a more CC approach?

You can still do lots of slinging and skin to skin, etc - obv I would recommend skin to skin first of all and making your DH aware of your wishes wrt that in case you're out of it on G&A again.

Isn't it two seperate issues. If you put in your birth plan that you want skin to skin immediately and also make sure DP kknows this they should arrange this for you (the midwives encouraged me to do this with dd3).

But surely denying grandparents a quick cuddle is a little extreme. Just tell them all to come down a day or two after the birth

Thanks! I'm not going to follow anything in particular - I learnt that the hard way with DS1! I think to be honest I'm just a bit in fear of a repeat performance of last time: the house was full of people the day of the birth. The next day various family members were here for 6 hours non stop - I was sat on the sofa for 6 hours when I really should have been in bed with my baby! DP went a bit "absent" and we were both dazed - and no one gave us a second thought. We didn't even get anything to eat all day, we just forgot with the deluge of visitors. Then there were more the next day.

I don't want to stop people having a bit of a cuddle but I just felt the whole thing, including my baby, quite literally, was out of my hands last time.

I already know that my parents are going to take the piss if we decide to wear the new baby all the time. Last time my mum said to me:

"eeew, you're going to be one of those attachment parents"

in the same way that you might say - you're going to be a plane spotter/looking for a husband on death row.

Can you say "Eeeew, you're going to be one of those critical grandmothers!"?

I think I'll be saying a fair bit more than that in the next 7 months if things don't change!

I think it's easy to get pressured into things post-birth when you are not feeling great so the trick is to manage people's expectations beforehand. I was really upfront with people beforehand and said that after the birth I wanted to be alone with my new baby and DP for at least 2 or 3 days. After that people were welcome to ring up and make an appointment!! (Ok, I didn't word it exactly like that but that was the gist).

Then actually when it happened I found I wanted to see my sister and dad straight away (my mum is dead, I am sure I would have wanted her there) so DP rang them and asked them to come. And then he rang his parents and said "would you like to come up on Wednesday" or whatever - thus pre-empting them from choosing a day. I didn't see anyone else for a couple of weeks and found it really stressful when I did.

Though I have heard a lot of people say it was different second time around, and that they welcomed the visitors in order to distract DC1!

I'd second TYV on this: I told everyone to stay away for the first 2 weeks to give me time to recover and to give both dp and me time to bond with our ds1. In the end, grandparents visited in the first wk, and because I'd laid down the law beforehand, everyone was totally considerate, ie. brought food, made their own cups of tea, bogged off after 20 mins etc.

it was great - i did want to see people but needed them to understand just how knackered i would be. i'm shocked that your family would allow you to go without food and stay so long, TBH - there's plenty of time for longer visits later and you're just as important as the baby!

i'd also hand the baby over - ds1 is a CC baby, tho by accident: he just likes being held, and is calm and content because of it. but i'm more than happy for him to go to other people - think it's important he does.

good luck - and stick to your guns!

Thanks everyone. That's the beauty of doing it second time round - all this lovely hindsight to draw on!

skin to skin is lovely. MAKE SURE they read and take in your birth plan this time.
The visitor thing happened to me as well. I just wanted to tell them to get out but of course you don't, do you?
and to top it all DH took DD1 out for trips ALL day for a week (so I could have quality time with DD2)
I felt abandoned and useless. My mam was pissed off with him because when she came to visit one day there wasn't anything in the fridge not even a pint of milk or a slice of bread (hadn't eaten all day)
Men can be funny sometimes, he thought he was doing the right thing and I felt abandoned.

Jezze - sounds like the sort of thing my fella would do, they mean the best but don't always think it through eh?

It sounds silly but it really bothered me for months after DS was born. I don't think I had full on PND but I remember crying one afternoon, months later, for those lost days, and because no one cared about how I felt once the baby was out! It sounds really feeble but I had quite a hard time, DP went all weird, family criticising everything...

God, why am I doing it again?!

All the family on the day of the birth??! You poor thing! Childbirth is a huge exhausting marathon and you need time to recover. I think relatives imagine they're supporting you by being there, when in fact they really want to satisfy their curiosity. Perhaps they need pointing out that their best support would be to visit after at least a day, to allow you to rest? Or to dedicate time cooking/cleaning/babysitting for you instead of leaning over the baby for a few hours?
My DH only took half days off work and spent all that time in the kitchen, cleaning it like a maniac. Me and DS never actually saw him. I was relieved when he went to work in the afternoon and mum took over, so I would get fed (I'd had CS and could only shuffle around slowly) and when any visitors came she'd make them tea. What an angel!