Hi all, as the title says I'd like to get some objective (not hormonal postpartum) thoughts on our situation.
My partner and I bought home our baby girl from the hospital 3 weeks ago, during my pregnancy my partner mentioned several times he'd like to quit smoking cannabis after the baby arrived. I myself used it regularly before pregnancy but have found it disgusting since baby and have no plans on using it at all. Perhaps in the future socially but no desire at all now.
Since we bought her home, he has asked me several times if I minded if he went out for a smoke. The first night I said what ever really, just don't want you around her whilst stoned so sleep in the living room and don't pick her up please. He said ok as he felt uncomfortable being around her whilst high anyway. Now it has got to the point where his emotions are so high only a joint has been the answer. He regularly asks me if I mind and his mood turns if I express concern or mention his thoughts during the pregnancy. I have slept at my mums house with baby to give him a break so he could smoke and play play station etc. He said he was sad and missed baby and me by extension I think. I feel unreasonable for saying I don't want to be in the car with baby whilst he's under the influence. His mood turns sour and I find myself feeling at a loss of how to handle this. On top of this, he has mentioned yet again an old friend who is in prison currently for armed burglary charges how he feels guilty for not keeping in touch etc. The first time this topic has upset me is when we were about to leave for our first scan (12 week scan) he bought her up and I was floored as my head was swamped with thoughts of our little family and seeing our baby for the first time. I got very upset, obviously I was and still am feeling insecure that the defensiveness is a mask for some unresolved feelings for someone, especially giving the timing and her criminal background. He recently had a dream where him and this lady were at our home without me "babysitting" our newborn girl together. All of this I'm finding sad. I said When I was feeling calm and rational that I think it's a good idea if he sends a letter to resolve this feeling from his mums address if she's agreeable as I didn't want this lady knowing where we live. He agreed initially and said its likely his mum will ask if I'm jealous. Now he has changed his mind and when asked he said he won't send a letter. He says I am being ridiculous and need to get a grip when I find myself crying in front of him. Comments like "here come the waterworks again" really keep repeating in my head. He is wonderful with our baby when I need a moment he will interact with her, change her nappy and otherwise cuddle and kiss her and play her music she clearly enjoys being with her dad and I'm feeling like a failure at the prospect of breaking up with her dad. He says I am withholding my love when I feel uncomfortable kissing him. I tell him I can't stop thinking about these things especially the dream about this woman.
Since giving up work to be a SAHM I am finding myself feeling completely spent. All my energy is going into our little one and I wouldn't change that for the world. She is perfect and deserves the world. I'm reliant on him and my mum for going out in the car anywhere, so getting ready to leave the house with my baby and the dog for 10 minutes walk around the park feels like a big achievement. Right now I'm feeling like I'm failing, as a partner as a pet owner. I think I am asking for the things I need (dog walking, 5 minutes to myself, etc) I will end up losing my tempter and shouting when he tells the dog he's taking her for a walk but ends up spending an hour on the toilet/faffing around on his phone, he says this is his process and I need to speak to him with more respect, but he says I am only telling him how I feel and not giving him any practical solutions. I feel so distant from him, he asked when we can have sex again and I find myself feeling vulnerable at the prospect. During later pregnancy he did not see me in a sexual way at all, which I understand is normal. Now I don't feel ready at all and feel sad that when I do it will be too late and we will have drifted apart to the point of no return. I love our baby so much and he is the man I fell in love with. But I'm terrified I've said too much. Last night again I mentioned that I feel overwhelmed and need some help. I couldn't stop myself crying and said I think I want to live on my own and need mental health support as I cannot seem to have a clear head on a lot of things. He said I planned all along to have a baby and leave him and he expects it. Usually rows end in him threatening to go back to his mums house (he moved into my flat which I'm trying to get us moved from as we are now overcrowded) Baby is healthy and content otherwise and I feel overwhelmed with love for her everyday. Would really appreciate some advice as I'm growing concerned that I'm unstable and would be better off alone and getting some support professionally. If it's better for baby to grow up in a divided home sooner rather than later, or if there's anything I can do to try and sort all this out. I suggested couples counselling but he doesn't seem keen, especially since he'd be footing the bill. Understandable. But have no other answer right now and feeling alone and too embarrassed to tell family who all adore him.
Thank you in advance