Feel like I’ve ruined my DS’s life

[Bringmecoffee5]

Long story, I’m sorry. Also posted in SN, not sure if that’s allowed, please remove if not.

Ds is 6, ADHD and probable ASD but we need to calm the ADHD before we look at ASD according to the dr we saw last week.
He was bullied in his first school, wound up by the other kids so they could watch him react. Always in trouble, SENCO told me she didn’t know what to do with him, and they were aware of the other children being mean. I saw it for myself in the park one day, they were calling him names, offering him things then complaining he’d taken them.. really horrible stuff, and DS just didn’t know how to react and it was heartbreaking to watch.
Moved him sharpish to a school which focused on pastoral care, this was just after the first lockdown. He settled pretty well, made friends who accepted him and all was ok until recently. The head started getting loads of bad press on local fb pages and a lot of children left, I knew she could be aggressive and defensive with parents when they didn’t see eye to eye but assumed this was the other parents being argumentative. Until one day I picked my son up and he was distraught, pale faced and red eyed. His TA told me that he’d been rude - he didn’t want to share counters with another child and had said he wouldn’t do what the TA wanted if she wasn’t doing what he wanted. I said I’d have a word with him and let him know it’s not ok to be rude to adults. However, he had completely lost his voice and told me he couldn’t talk because he was too upset. Turned out that he’d been sent to year 4 for the afternoon and had sat and cried. I called the head to say that I was a bit uncomfortable with the fact he’d lost his voice - she said he needed a ‘short, sharp shock’. The head of the school where I work called me and told me she didn’t want to cause trouble, but her son works in DS’s school and was worried because he had seen DS sat in the corridor by himself crying. Transpired the head had shouted at him, along with the head of KS1, before he’d been sent to year 4 and they realised procedure hadn’t been followed and it had all got a bit out of hand (the TA’s words, to my heads son, not me - they told me he had at no point been distressed and they didn’t know how he had lost his voice - the TA was also really upset by what had happened)

I emailed the head and she was immediately on the defensive saying ADHD isn’t an excuse for rudeness and she won’t have DS trying to blackmail her staff. She said if her methods weren’t to my liking, maybe the school isn’t right for us.
I brought DS to look round my school, where we have a high level of SEND, and where DS 3 (complex SEND) is currently thriving - knows everyone, they all accept him, he is friends with everyone and he is supported in a way he never would be in another mainstream. He liked it and said he didn’t ever want to go back to his other school, so I moved him. It’s been a month or so now and he says he likes the school but misses his friends. He hasn’t slotted in as easily as DS3, he doesn’t always understand social rules and cues and thinks people are being mean if they don’t want to follow his game, for example. He’s doing better academically, almost instantly which is amazing but I’m really struggling with it all (I have anxiety so I can’t work out how much of a part this is playing) but for him to have left his mates, and now be in a much smaller school where I also work and so see everything, is hard on both of us. I know it’s not just me, we’ve had 4 applications from children in his old school to move, and I know it’s for reasons similar to mine - but -
I feel like I’ve ruined his life and have no clue what, if anything, I can or should do.
Please help.

Different places will have their plus and minus points. No school will be perfect for each child. I think you made the right decision. It is really likely he will settle down in time - I used to go to international school with a fairly high turnover of students each year.

I have no experience specifically OP, but from what I read - I would have done the same as you, moving him to your own school. Give him time to settle in. You sound like a wonderful mum OP.

I think you’ve been an amazing mother, OP, and your DS is much more likely to thrive now. How on earth have you ruined his life?

What I don’t understand is how that head is allowed to be near children, let alone be in charge of a school. A short, sharp shock?? How cruel. You have to cry pretty hard to lose your voice. He’s six for goodness sake.

I’m so sorry OP, you’ve definitely done the right thing. X

And what six year old tries to blackmail school staff. Ridiculous.

Thanks so much for the replies. I just hate the thought of him missing his friends, the kids in his last school were so lovely and it must be so hard for him to try to slot into a smaller, established school and class. He has just started meds for his ADHD which I suspect are making him a but emotional, but on Friday he said everyone was being mean and that he wanted to go to his old school. My lovely head teacher has said we will throw ‘the kitchen sink’ at this, and that she will start a talking group and put one of the loveliest TA’s on the case with him. I know my reasons were very real at the time, I have a massive tendency to look back and wonder if I did the wrong thing and now he is sad as a result.

Some of those friends may have already left that school given the head's behaviour. You have done the best you can in the circumstances. Try to find out exactly what he means by saying everyone was being mean - he may simply have misunderstood.

I suspect you will have to teach him how to respond to social cues such as taking turns, and responding to other speaking rather than just jamming a non sequitur in the conversation about their special interests in dinosaurs/manga comics/macarenas etc. I had to go through scenarios with one of my children along the lines of "don't look repeatedly at your watch when somebody is trying to tell you something important." It drove me mad but they didn't get that it was a rude thing to do. As they got older they would ask me things like how did you pick up a prescription at the chemist - what did you say and when did you pay and so on. The sort of behaviour you are describing sounds more ASD than ADHD. One thing about ASD children is that they tend to respond to rewards more than punishments eg you get five stars on the chart and you get the special ice cream/comic/visit to the zoo etc rather than being told that their bad behaviour means that they are not going to get the special ice cream/comic/visit to the zoo.

I am surprised ADHD meds have made him emotional. Usually they can make a child rather flat if the dose is a bit too high rather than making the child emotional. Ideally with the right dose it should be exactly like your child but just more focussed and calm. It can be a struggle to get continuous coverage (or for the period that you need coverage). My son used to dose up before his math classes. It's important to be positive about the meds - I just reminded my son it was making the playing field a bit more level for him and making school life easier. In fact, I saw him yesterday taking one because he had a pile of reading to do for university for his psychology degree. The ASD one is a third year medical student.

The meds can affect appetite so you want to give them after breakfast and finish the last one some time before dinner so he will eat his dinner. Lunch may be a write off so focus on easy to eat foods for that and don't stress about the quantity.

If academically he’s doing much better it’s the better school for him. Is there a reason he can’t keep in touch social with the friends from his last school? See them at weekends/after school/ holidays? Then he would have best of both worlds? I know it’s not the same as seeing them every day but he doesn’t have to leave good friendships behind?

Oh lovely, that must be a really hard position to be in. You haven't ruined his life at all. You are doing the very best you can to ensure he is in the best environment for his needs.
I absolutely think you were right to move him from the second school- you can have a productive partnership with a head behaving and communicating as they did.
He will make new friends, just like he did in his old school. It will just take a little time.
Im currently at a stage of wondering if I need to change schools- it's a very brave decision to go ahead with it. It definitely sounds like one you needed to make.

OP I moved my son midway through Year One due to moving house. He could have stayed at the old one but he has a younger sibling so I figured best to move him to catchment and I was also very impressed by the new school.

Anyway, DS is autistic (and I think possibly has ADHD but inattentive type) and I was so so worried about him settling in. Constantly second guessing myself as I always do with him (don't get me started on secondary schools). He actually did fine, I LOVE the new school and he found a new group of friends.

However, whenever something goes wrong or he gets upset or is tired etc etc he will say he misses his old friends. He is now is KS2, his old friends he will barely remember. From talking groups and work with SALT etc we've managed to deduce that when he says that he misses his old friends this is a 'catch all' phrase for 'I am feeling uncomfortable and want the situation to change'. He did the same thing when he was being naughty, when asked why he did it or why he was feeling so angry he would say 'I miss my dad' (long custody difficulties for a while, exh not engaging). He didn't actually miss his dad, it was something a professional had once suggested to him and became his stock phrase for 'I am upset and cross by something and I cannot remember or explain why'

He struggles with emotional expression and naming more complex abstract emotions and their reasons. So he comes up with these stock phrases as a way of trying to supply a reason that he thinks people are looking for to express a feeling in his body he doesn't know how to describe.

Sorry, that was a MASSIVELY long waffle but could something like that be happening with your DS? ADHD can hamper emotional naming and expression as well, especially if you suspect he's autistic too. So when he's feeling upset or things are unfair and wants them to change, that's the change that he can easily reach for in his expressive vocabulary and collection of phrases. Just a possibility

Btw you sound like a lovely mum, you haven't ruined his life and he almost certainly sounds like he just needs to settle in what sounds like a very very supportive school. Sadly bad heads can take a while to be noticed and got rid of, I have an absolutely hair raising story from my time teaching which is too outing but that took a good long while to get that particular head out. I'm glad you've moved your DS

You have been fantastic trying to find best fit for him. Can you arrange play dates with old school friends or join a hobby?

You’re doing your absolute best for your son. There are no right or wrong decisions, you are just taking one step at a time as you go. I can sympathise, I’m anxious myself and it’s so so hard to navigate through everything. All the best for you and your son! Xx

You're doing your best. You're making the best decisions you can, based on the information you have.

Let that be enough.

You can't move him back to a school that wasn't right for him (and to a head that probably wouldn't take him back).

Enough now. Stop replaying it. It is done and you were right to do it.