Defiant toddler

[Laurenkc87]

Please help. My daughter is nearly 2 and is incredibly defiant. She is extremely strong willed and everything at the moment is a battle- from the minute she gets up to the minute she goes to bed. She wont have her nappy changed, wont get dressed, won't sit at the table, won't get in the car seat and so on. She's a very clever, otherwise happy, little girl who is every quick to small and laugh. I love her with all my heart but she's my first child and I don't know if this is normal. She also cries or lashes out at me when I collect her from nursery or my mother in law which really hurts me and I don't understand why she does this. I have no siblings and don't know others with small children so am quite isolated. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

Normal I’m afraid. Try reading how to talk so little children listen. I think it’s suitable from 2.5 years old.

Yes normal but you don't have to put up with it. Rather than just reading one book, I'd recommend you research Janet Lansbury online. She has many podcasts about how to handle the situations you have described and more. Content is regularly updated and covers every situation. Things won't improve over night but her advice definitely works but it takes a little time, patience and consistency. Sometimes the way she speaks can be a little annoying and initially some of her advice sounds daft but worth looking into it if you are at your wits end. A lot of leaning into child's feelings and acknowledging. I definitely don't always listen to every. Single. Piece. Of. Advice. on her website as sometimes you did need to be more firm than she is. It's not "gentle parenting" though which isn't my style. Don't give up

Sounds quite normal. I used to bring snacks to hand over at nursery pick up - they are usually tired and hungry. It helped.
Nappies, swap for pull ups- maybe get a potty and try nappy free time and see if she uses it.
Hitting/biting etc - learn to read the signs and grab her hand, move her away before she can do this to you. W firm no.
Lastly it’s ok to be in charge. Eg some children can cope with choices, others can’t - dc1 liked them, Dc2 didn’t. And simple choices eg apple or carrot - not, what do you want to eat.
My best tip is if they won’t get into the Pram/car seat to be strapped in - put them in all stiff and resistant. Wait for them to take in a breath to scream and gently but quickly push on chest area and then quickly strap in. Doesn’t hurt them but gets them strapped in quick. Oh and harness reins with a little backpack when our walking as they can’t run away and they are easier to pick up by the reins if they lay on the floor for a tantrum

Thank you so much all, really appreciate your advice and support. Just good to know it's normal and I'm not alone

My DS is 3 in July and he is like this too!!!! He doesn't last out but he's the most stubborn person I've ever known! No advice sadly but your not alone!

I've found the 'biglittlefeelings' insta accounts really helpful. and I bought their online course. gave great insight and really practical stratagies on toddler life!

This sounds normal to me OP. When she cries when she picks you up from childcare, it just means she is tired and perhaps finds the transition a little overwhelming. Don't take it to mean more than that!

posted too soon! it helps to understand how little toddler brains are working - and why they do what they do and how we can bridge it - it's about trying to avoid the conflict and find connection and play - and than leads to things getting done!
(simple example would be not saying 'dinners ready. time to go into the kitchen'. - which would get a strong no. changing it to 'oh I'm going into the kitchen. shall we walk like penguins or load tigers'

all that sort of stuff. still very very hard though!

Sounds normal to me.
Do you pick your battles or give her any choices?
Eg... yes you might have to force her into the car seat but if she doesn't want to sit at the table just tell her she doesn't have to but then there's no dinner? (Then offer supper later)
Toddlers have very little choice in their lives so you could give her a choice over things that really don't matter? Raspberry or banana yogurt, red hat or green hat, which pjs for tonight ect.
I've also found that doing things with one of DS soft toys helps 'you put a nappy on Micky mouse then I'll put a nappy on you'.

Also I agree with pp about saying 'I'm going to do this then' then suddenly it becomes a whole lot more interesting.
I asked him about breakfast yesterday, I got a firm no, so I said 'well I'm going to make some porridge for myself' and suddenly he really wanted it.

Ohh DD went through this at 2, and now at home 3 still has her moments. What I found helped was having a strategy, literally any strategy, to handle it so I felt like I stayed in control of myself and the situation. Understand you can't really control her though and she'll only get in the car seat etc when she wants to.

What worked for us was a 3 step thing:

1. Empathise: You're really enjoying playing with those stickers!
2. State the expectation: It's time to sit at the table for dinner (maybe add... so let's find somewhere to keep your stickers safe).
3. Offer a choice: Do you want to climb into your chair or mummy lift you up?

If they don't choose within a reasonable timeframe you say: "If you don't choose, mummy will choose for you". Then, if you need to, pick her up and get on with whatever it is that needs to happen. You're giving them the chance to be in charge of something not waiting around forever permissively.

Mostly DD will go along with it, sometimes she still turns into a purple screaming machine. It's ok for them to be angry/frustrated about stuff, I let her get on with having her emotions and pretty much always at the end she comes for a cuddle, we talk briefly about what she felt, then she's ready to get on.

Good luck!

@Mamaisacornflakegirl

I've found the 'biglittlefeelings' insta accounts really helpful. and I bought their online course. gave great insight and really practical stratagies on toddler life!

100% this recommendation. Helpful even if you don't buy the course.

She wont have her nappy changed - ask her if she wants to do it. Let her wipe herself with a wipe. Explain her nappy is wet/dirty. Acknowledge her feelings "you don't want to change your nappy. Bit we need to, because you might get sore. Would you like to pick your nappy" etc

wont get dressed - let her choose between "dress or dungarees today" then try and make a game if it. Like, put her trousers in her head, and say "is that right?"
Won't sit at the table - just place her food there and say "we eat at the table" and sit.there yourself.

"won't get in the car seat" - get her to try to do up her straps, say things like "I know you don't want to get in the car seat, bit if you do the can't go to x/y/z. Oh look favourite teddy isnin the car seat! That seats not fit teddy! It's for daughter!!"

As hard as it is, don't "fight" her with it all
Give her appropriate choices/control.

Eg she must wear something on feet when going outside
She can choose shoes or wellies or whatever