Relatives killing with kindness

[in1942]

Not sure the point of this post really. Just a place to air my thoughts. I've very kind in laws so I'm very lucky but I often find them too much since having a baby a year ago.

When DC was born, in laws have helped out, taking DC for a walk, cooking us a few meals. All great. We're very grateful.

They started offering to have DC for an afternoon or day to give me a break. I politely declined, said DC is too little, breastfeeding, cluster feeding, would love this when DC is older etc etc. Got to a point where they kept offering and I had to keep repeating the above, I actually counted 9 times in one week between the two of them! I felt it became less of an offer of help and more them wanting more time with DC. I get it, they love their grandchild but it was too much

DC then went through a clingy stage with lots of crying, in laws messaged asking to have them for a few hours. We politely declined but said they were welcome to visit and maybe take DC for a walk. They complained they weren't able to bond with DC properly if just pushing them in the pram but would come over. We didn't acknowledge that part of their message to avoid a spat over text but we found it overbearing and they must have realised they were being silly as they didn't bring it up in person. My whole maternity I had a gut feeling they felt they didn't see DC enough even though we saw them twice a week.

There's the excessive buying. DC has plenty clothes and toys but despite saying we don't need anything more they keep getting things we've already got. Sure it's a nice problem to have but I hate waste, I feel I'm not listened to and sometimes I wonder whether they think the stuff we have got isn't good enough somehow (pretty sure that's not the case, just think they can't resist buying things) At Christmas they got twice as much stuff as we did for DC. DC has 20 cuddly's as they keep buying them! We're getting in laws to keep some toys and clothes at theirs now.

Every day we get a message asking how DC is. If we don't reply the other will ask. At every stage we've gone through with DC they've wanted to know every detail but then don't listen. So many comments about teething, weaning, sleeping, breastfeeding. I tell the bare minimum now so I don't have to explain things over and over. I can't remember how many times I heard them say "DC is feeding again! Surely they can't still be hungry!

I just hoped it would calm down once the initial excitement wore off. We're super grateful for their help and they've not done anything wrong but I often find it too much. I can't exactly say stop being so excited to have a grandchild so I've come here to let my thoughts out. Even if no one responds, I feel a bit better getting it out my head!

It’s not kindness if they’re not actually being kind to you - eg listening, respecting your parenting decisions, being supportive, not interfering or undermining or pushing you to do things you don’t want. It’s not helpful if it’s not helping!

You’re dealing with it all really well by being clear when turning things down and limiting what you tell them to avoid “advice”. It’s not easy.

But you to know that buying stuff and wanting to take the baby don’t entitle them to anything? It’s your baby. There are only two people who get a say and you don’t need to feel at all awkward or guilty when declining things that don’t suit or not replying to a message immediately.

They sound like they have they have very thick skins so I’d start being a lot clearer. Give examples. “No John, we don’t want you to take DC for a day. I don’t want a break, I enjoy spending time with DC, you’ve asked 6 times already in x days and I’m not going to change my mind.”

It’s great you’re all close and they’re invested but they don’t get to undermine you in their grandparental glee. Your baby. Your decisions. And any more comments on feeding just shut down immediately. My SM was always commenting, drove me fucking mental. I don’t think she’d ever known someone well who breastfed and couldn’t seem to help mentioning how often DD was feeding. I’d just preempt it with “yes she’s feeding again, it’s what they do” or if she got there first I’d do a confused face and say “…yes?”

Stop treading on eggshells. You’re more worried about their feelings than they are about yours. And you’re the new parents! Madness.

I think it’s a mixture of genuine kindness, enthusiasm, boredom with their own lives and over-bearing ness.

To use a great MN expression, you don’t have a PIL problem, you have a DP problem. He needs to step up and manage them and you need to agree on a strategy for that.

If they have some spare cash and want to spend it, tell them what’s useful. Be clear that one surprise thing is ok, but you don’t want double buying and clutter. If they ignore it, he needs to ring, remind then of what he said, tell them that unfortunately a lot of it is now going to oxfam so please don’t do it again.

Start a grandparents WhatsApp, post a picture and/or a little note once a week, and ignore most texts. Tell them you’ve got a lot to manage going back to work, so this is how you’ll update them, before you start ignoring texts. If they don’t get the message quickly, you DP needs to explain that their texts are overwhelming.

Your DP also needs to explain the baby is too young for overnights, and for serious bonding with adults beyond the two of you and the childminder. Tell them to stop asking.

He should also gently tell them they need to up their own lives - this is not their baby. Stop feeding them by telling them everything.

It’s important to nip it, but the changes are that once you/his siblings have kids, and yours has turned into a demanding toddler, they will back-peddle.

The WhatsApp group is a great idea. As PP said, post once a week eg Sunday night, respond to any messages then mute it for the rest of the week.

YANBU they sound like a pain in the arse tbh.

It sounds like they just don't get that this is your DC, not their DC.

Agree with the WhatsApp group.

DP also needs to step up and tell them you'll ONLY be using the WhatsApp group as it's hard to keep up with their frequent communications. Otherwise they'll use that and then email, phone as well.

Over time, as they see the number of messages they're sending they will hopefully start to realise how full on they are!

start managing them and getting them todo stuff for you

ask them to pick up shopping and take baby for a walk for an hour - when you want

then you can do the washing up laundry ect

then ask if they can do a couple pf chores for you

by managing them you can get time to sleep and let your dc start a relationship with his grandparents

oh and family album app is good for photographs all in one place

Just a thought, could you set up a savings account for your DC and ask the in-laws that instead of buying gifts, they can simply top up the junior ISA, which will be much more useful for little one's future.

we've had similar. I grit my teeth and try to remember it all comes from a very good place, but it does get wearing even though it's obviously far better than uninterested grandparents. In our case it reflected that PILs (IMVHO) retired a little too early without thinking about how to fill their time, and looked to us!

Unfortunately I have no advice, as the one thing that has helped dilute it for us was DH's sister having children .