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Original poster

Practicalities of newborn and 2yo with no family support - experiences please!

27 replies

BlackcurrantTea · 05/03/2022 21:02

I have a 15 month old and am currently in the middle of a pregnancy scare. If I'm pregnant, my DD would be 24 months when baby is born. I'm really overwhelmed at the idea of what day-to-day life would be like with a newborn and a two-year-old. My DH works very long hours and we have no local family, very few friends, no car and very little money. My DD was a terrible sleeper as a newborn (still not great) and is currently very strong willed, and I'm only just starting to feel vaguely competent as a parent after over a year of feeling bewildered and overwhelmed.

Can anyone offer me any experiences of daily life with kids these ages? I have so many questions! How do you deal with your toddler waking in the night if your baby needs you too? How do you get them both dressed? When they're both upstairs and you want to bring them downstairs, how do you do it?! Any anything else you can think of.

Advice gratefully received! TIA!

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Ilikecheeseontoast · 05/03/2022 21:05

I had baby 3 during lockdown with just turned 3 year old twins (who didn’t sleep well) and so zero support. No family, friends, baby groups, health visitors etc. It was really really hard but we got through it and so will you. You just find a way and get into your own little rhythm and routine.

SuperSleepyBaby · 05/03/2022 21:16

You will survive and work out how to do it. I have 4 children. When i only had one child i had the same thoughts as you! I wondered how on earth people with 2 babies managed to leave the house!

Sometimes it is stressful but you just get on with it when the kids are there and you have no choice!

I also did not have help close by.

When they are older it is easier in some ways as you get time away while they are in school

AHungryCaterpillar · 05/03/2022 21:30

I done it all as a single
Parent, and no family, it wasn’t easy but you will manage, at one point I had a 6 year old 5 year old 3 year old and newborn, on my own, you just find your own routine

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NrlySp · 05/03/2022 21:43

I was in your situation a while ago. My suggestions are that if you are pregnant

  1. It will be ok. Sometimes it will be hard but there will also be moments of joy and loveliness
  2. We got older dc a small gift from the new baby.
  3. When they are older (toddler/school age) it’s great because they play together and entertain one another.
cumbriancow · 05/03/2022 21:52

It's fine, much less difficult than you are probably imagining. I had a 23 month age gap and a DH who worked away 5 days a week.

It's much easier second time round because you know what you are doing and are less stressed about the baby having to wait for attention.

Yes, there are hard times, but also many wonderful times. I miss all snuggling up together on the sofa and reading stories.

Original poster
BlackcurrantTea · 05/03/2022 22:23

Thanks everyone - I know we'd cope because we'd have to, but I just cannot imagine how my day would look! When DD was tiny it felt like she took all my attention at every moment of every day and there was no time for housework/literally anything other than the baby, so I just don't know how I will look after my toddler too! I'm extra impressed with everyone who has more than two kids/manages as a single parent! Maybe I'm just particularly bad at coping with stuff...

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 05/03/2022 22:56

It’s more than doable .....I had a 25 month gap....family were all 400 miles away at the time....you just get on with it....you are permanently knackered....but you get used to it

sydenhamhiller · 05/03/2022 23:28

I had DC2 when dc1 was 25 months.

In laws lived abroad, my parents had just returned to U.K. but 300 miles away.

I had just the same worries you did - and it was fine. Just as others said, you develop a routine. A midwife gave some lovely advice: she said, if they are both crying, go to the toddler first.

I worried about getting them into/ out of car: toddler in/ strapped in first; baby in car seat out first, then toddler. You get there.

The gap from 0 babies to 1 baby was by far the hardest. I ended up having a third … 😁

Mossstitch · 06/03/2022 00:12

You'll find a big difference between 15 months and two year old. As an example you sight getting them both downstairs, the two year old will be doing that themselves by then (probably backwards with you in front of them/supervising but you won't have to carry them). I found the baby was easier because they were happily entertained in the bouncy chair watching older sibling.

Weenurse · 06/03/2022 00:20

I had 20 months between my 2.
I had a special box of toys for toddler that only came out when I was breast feeding baby. Books, puzzles and blocks and if I really needed distraction, the Wiggles went on. ( showing my age here)

Kite22 · 06/03/2022 00:32

It is one of those things that seems a lot more overwhelming than it actually is when you come to it.
2 years is a pretty usual gap between dc.

If they both need you in the middle of the night, then one parent can go to each. Remember your older one will have developed quite a bit more by then as well.
Also, remember people manage twins, triplets......

Robloxia · 06/03/2022 00:33

You get used to it. Your kids get used to it. My eldest cannot remember a time in his life without his brother there.

It's all about trial and error to find what works for you. For me it was a case of doing what I needed to keep everyone happy, alive and maybe get out the house that day if we needed to.

My one saving grace was that my eldest slept through the night and I rarely had to deal with two of them at night.

Caspianberg · 06/03/2022 06:34

I only have 1, but at 22 months he’s speedy on the stairs and just goes up and down himself.
So with a 24 month, they will generally go themselves, with you just walking behind ( and carrying 2nd baby)

Original poster
BlackcurrantTea · 06/03/2022 07:41

Ah thank you for all the reassurance everyone (especially @sydenhamhiller - hearing that 0-1 was hardest makes me feel loads better!)!

Think perhaps what I needed was a thread on what 24 months old are capable of, because everyone's right that I'm not realising how much more able my 15 month old would be at the end of the year!

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Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/03/2022 07:49

There is a lot of changes by two. Likely to running, talking, tantrumming, climbing, sleeping better, teeth, can be entertained by tv for half an hour, longer attention span...

Like most things... you just find what works for you. You'll have good days and bad days. Wonderful memories and times you want to forget but can't. Be judged in public and have people come up to tell you how angelic there are.. or to just remind you that you've got this (woman in Tesco who did that when my then 2yo pulled loads of shampoo of a shelf... Thank you. Shes 10 now and not a hooligan!)

These things can seem impossible when they are theoretical. But they aren't.
I would not change my two for the world. Even all the bad times. There's 20 months between them.

Original poster
BlackcurrantTea · 06/03/2022 14:59

Thanks @Aroundtheworldin80moves. Feeling a bit calmer about the possibility now... She can already run and say lots of words so I'm guessing her coordination and speech might be fairly good by two! Looking forward to the attention span and more teeth though!

OP posts:
yomommasmomma · 06/03/2022 15:05

My thoughts would be if you don't want a small gap, you don't have to have the baby. For me 2 under 2 looks hellish, I see my SIL doing it with a lot of family support and it's so hard. So my view would be dont do it unless you really want to get the baby years over quickly!

Also I don't understand how you can be "in the middle of a pregnant scare"? Surely you can quickly find out if you are pregnant or not?

Original poster
BlackcurrantTea · 06/03/2022 15:22

Period not yet due, had contraception failure at exactly the time I predict I'd ovulated.

I had considered not continuing with the pregnancy but I'm not sure I could go through with it...

OP posts:
Abridget7 · 06/03/2022 15:37

22month age gap with mine. Here's the thing... it's hard work at the beginning but you just muddle through. It can be ugly and relentless but there are a lot of good times too. Now that my youngest is 10mo they're playing together a bit now. At the start you have two babies with different needs. Having an ipad for oldest saved me for nap times. Get a decent sling for newborn and get out of the house. My DH also works away & no family support.

Babyboomtastic · 07/03/2022 10:03

When DD was tiny it felt like she took all my attention at every moment of every day and there was no time for housework/literally anything other than the baby, so I just don't know how I will look after my toddler too!

Think what it's often like in the first week of a new job, getting to grips with simple things often feels tricky, and there's a bit of a learning curve. If you went back to the tasks you were given on your first week with work now, you'd probably find it far easier. That happens with parenting as well.

Having a newborn may have seemed like the most time consuming thing ever, but you got better at it, and have grown as a parent, to meet the increasing demands of your child as a toddler.

Basically, there's nothing like having a toddler to make a newborn seem really easy. It really helps the transition from 1-2. Parenting an older baby and toddler or two toddlers, that I did find hard, but by then you'll have got better at juggling two, so it's not such a crazy leap in difficulty.

With number 2, I just put her in a sling, I even breastfed her in there, and kind of got on with my day. She was close so didn't cry much, she could eat with she wanted, and my toddler wasn't frustrated as we still did the same things as before.

MistyFrequencies · 07/03/2022 10:13

18 months between mine and no family support (live away from mine, his hate me), it was hard for first 8 weeks I'd say, until we found our own routine. Being prepared was key e g. Husband made sandwiches, cut up fruit, boiled eggs etc night before and put in fridge so I could feed toddler and myself with one hand while breastfeeding baby. I kept box of books next to couch so when breastfeeding there toddler could choose a book and snuggle in to read. Also had baby doll that she would feed, change etc while I did so we were both looking after our babies. And I'm not gonna lie, after baby was born was when toddler really started watching TV, way more than is ideal. But you do what you have to to get through.

Original poster
BlackcurrantTea · 07/03/2022 20:02

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your experiences!

And thanks especially to @Babyboomtastic for the new job analogy - I do think that I know what I'm doing a lot more than I did when DD was born!

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 07/03/2022 20:05

18 month gap
No family help
SAHM
Hubby worked long hours
No local family
We coped !!

ShadowPuppets · 07/03/2022 20:11

I can’t help as I’m not there yet - 7 months pregnant with a surprise baby conceived around DD’s first birthday. But I’m working on the basis that I had no idea how I’d cope when DD was tiny and I did, so presumably people feel the same way about 2 and survive it Grin

ZoChan · 07/03/2022 20:14

Echoing the above- you will just find your rhythm. Perhaps buy some new toys or books and squirrel them away for those first few weeks after your husband goes back to work.

If you're low income you may be eligible for a golden ticket (ie two year old funding), and if on universal credit to supplement DHs income then they contribute towards childcare when you are on maternity leave. Worth looking into www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

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