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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more from my partner??

24 replies

AlexiaRivers · 05/03/2022 19:07

Have a 4 month old DS who is a pretty chill baba, partner works part time and has mental health issues which he's medicated for.

I do all the housework including washing up, bottles, washing, cooking, cleaning, hoovering etc.. aswell as being the main caregiver of our DS.

If I ask my partner to help out I seem to get "I've been at work all day while you sit around and do nothing" despite the fact he only works part time and I point out what i have done, it just always ends in a disagreement. The constant negativity is wearing me down and I'm starting to get fed up with the moaning when I ask him to watch DS while I shower, do chores or just have some time to myself.

When he has a day off he just wants to "chill" because he's been working, don't think he understands how much it takes to keep the house going and look after DS 😔 any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

TDCtomorrow · 05/03/2022 19:12

Actually sit around and do nothing. He'll soon notice how much you do.
How many hours does he work?

Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 19:14

Well I’d stop cooking for him and doing his washing. But it also begs the question of why you have taken it on to do all this already?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2022 19:16

Kick him out now and save yourself years of bullshit and torment. This will not be getting better. Sadly, you chose very poorly.

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Original poster

AlexiaRivers · 05/03/2022 19:22

His hours vary but usually no more than 20 hours a week, it's literally been like this since day 1 of being home from the hospital, and it was a C-section. TBH I've been doing all this to keep the peace and if I don't it nothing will get done, I've tried just leaving it and seeing what he does but he just moans that he has no clean work clothes or that I've just been lazy.

Very occasionally if I've had a particularly busy day and he's got a day off he will offer to do the washing up, then he will moan that he had to do it because I was too tired... even when he offered, just doesn't make any sense to me at all!

He will always say thanks for doing XYZ but a little help would be appreciated, even if he just fed DS for a change or help with him, he doesnt even know how to make up a bottle (despite me having given him instructions on multiple occasions), it just goes in one ear and out the other and all he seems to want to do is play games on the Xbox so thats all hes thinking about 🙄

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 19:24

Of course YANBU. He has a child. It's time for him to grow up.

If his mental health is being managed with meds he can step up. If they're not he can arrange a GP appointment.

Original poster

AlexiaRivers · 05/03/2022 19:25

Aquamarine, I have considered it, but for DS sake, I'd rather he had us both around, his mental health issues don't make it easy and I use that to remind myself that sometimes maybe he can't help it.

When we first got together I never saw this side of him and it was when we moved in together that this came to light, it just so happened I found out I was pregnant right around that same time

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 05/03/2022 19:29

It's so important not to do whatever to keep the peace, especially sacrifice yourself. It'll do your relationship no favours in the long run. Far better to learn how to handle conflict or split.

Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 19:32

So let him have no clean work clothes - his problem

Honestly it’s really not better for your ds to grow
Up in this environment. Cut your losses - create a better life for you and your son and you might even meet someone new and lovely who can a great role model for your son 😁

Quitelikeit · 05/03/2022 19:32

If he wants to be a father he needs to start acting like one.

Can you ask him what role he is playing in his kids life? Because at the moment he is a bystander to all parenting!!

Insist on a lie in on the weekend. A child is a joint venture.

You do not have to accept his refusal to help. Be firm. Tell him you’re also going to look for a 20 hour week job and you expect him to do half of everything once that happens!!!

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/03/2022 19:33

What do you get out of this relationship?

He's not your 'partner' because there is no partnership.

If you carry on being the maid, chef, shopper, parent, housekeeper then nothing with ever change.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 19:34

@AlexiaRivers does he actually benefit your sons life? It won't be better for your son seeing a man with no respect for his mom.

If you only saw this side of him once you'd moved it/got pregnant it's not his mental health causing it. That's his excuse. He kept it hidden for god knows how long so he knows how to, at the very least, control it

Original poster

AlexiaRivers · 05/03/2022 19:41

I must admit I do worry that DS won't get the upbringing he needs from him, which is hard to admit.

It's not all bad, on good days he can be really funny and we can have a good time together but I admit that the initial spark we had has gone, at least from my point of view.

I think the next time things get heated I will ask him to go, or at least make it clear I'm not happy with the way things are at the moment and that he needs to do more. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking it's unreasonable and feel better now I've had some input from you lovely lot! Just think I lacked the confidence to make the decision as it is a big one and being a single parent is daunting!

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 05/03/2022 20:14

Marry a man you want your son to become.

Well done for realising your worth - you should not put up with this, you don’t need to. Imagine if he wasn’t there you would actually have less things to do! Less laundry, less cooking, you’d be a lot less stressed!!

Good luck

mamabeeboo · 06/03/2022 06:52

Op, it's so hard at the beginning with a Newborn, add the housework and a fully grown man to also look after, and it becomes impossible. Something has got to give!

If DP doesn't have any food or clean clothes etc what will he do after moaning? Will he cook? Take away? Will he get you anything? Sometimes no help is offered because everything is being done (despite how hard it is) , so you need to not do it.

The thing is, he knows how hard it is, because he doesn't want to help! He's fully aware of how difficult it is. Pop out for an hour, and if he Complains, tell him that he said it was easy... And go.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2022 06:57

Well stop doing everything. Next time he has a day off; go out for the day. Invent a doctor’s appointment if you have to. Leave him with baby, washing up and laundry.

You need to change something or you will be a doormat forever. Don’t bring you son up his way or he will think this is an acceptable way to treat women.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/03/2022 20:20

Why did you have a baby with such a useless fucker?

LightSpeeds · 06/03/2022 20:41

"It's not all bad, on good days he can be really funny and we can have a good time together but I admit that the initial spark we had has gone, at least from my point of view."

A serious adult relationship has to move on from the above, into sharing responsibilities and looking after a child. He hasn't moved on from being a child himself and sounds like a lazy, inconsiderate arse. You should seriously consider if you want to carry on a relationship with him.

BeeDavis · 07/03/2022 11:26

He sounds like an utter prick. The fact he can’t make a bottle up is quite simply pathetic and I’ve no idea how you’ve accepted no help in raising your child, actually baffles me that women just allow this to happen. I didn’t know how to make up a bottle just as much as my other half so funnily enough we BOTH learnt!! My little boy is 5 months old and he is well looked after by both parents, not just me. Don’t get me wrong I myself do the cooking/cleaning etc but I actually enjoy it and really don’t mind it’s not a chore for me. My other half always offers to cook and he likes a good clean aswell so I’m not doing everything all the time. Your OH quite frankly sounds lazy and is using his MH issues to cover this up. 20 hours a week working is NOTHING. He needs to grow the fuck up.

StopHavingKids · 07/03/2022 13:18

You already are a single parent though. Unfortunately you picked this deadbeat child neglecter to impregnate you, so now you need to plan how to do better by your kid and not raise him to be a misogynist like your boyfriend/lover. (He is not a 'partner')

HeadToToesNo · 07/03/2022 13:25

I think the next time things get heated I will ask him to go, or at least make it clear I'm not happy with the way things are at the moment and that he needs to do more

Don't wait until the next time you have a fight to bring this up.

Speak to him about it calmly, not during an argument.

If you want him to hear what you say and take you seriously you need to approach the issue when you are both listening to each other, but during a heated argument.

headspin10 · 07/03/2022 13:26

My sister did this in a similar situation - suggested they each write down a list of all the things they are responsible for in their joint life together.

Might bring it home to your partner how much you do.

I would echo others though in saying you'd probably have an easier life without him (from the limited info I've read here). Sorry it's so difficult 😞.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2022 13:35

I would find that a very selfish and negative environment to be in.

Could you survive financially on your own?

MunchyMonsters · 07/03/2022 13:55

Can you imagine year and year of this OP?

What a child. Can you go out for the day and leave baby with him? How about working a day a week so he has to take full responsibility?

I'd leave him personally

Butteryflakycrust83 · 07/03/2022 14:33

"I've been at work all day while you sit around and do nothing.'

Well, that shows you just how much he thinks of you and the work in takes to run a house and raise a child.

Theres no spark, he doesnt lift a finger and he doesnt even work full time to give you a better financial outlook.

I would leave, because I would worry what impression that gives to DC. Also, a happier mum is better than one constantly pissed off and resentful and tired.

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