Have I been abusive to my child? Will this be childhood trauma like I have?

[repeatthecycle]

I grew up with abusive parents, my mum in a neglectful sense and my dad in a more emotional and occasionally physical sense. I thought I'd worked through it pretty well but I have realised I'm repeating some patterns with my toddler. They are spirited to say the least, and have a tendency to scream repeatedly at the top of their lungs during tantrums and I find it really overstimulating and become desperate for them to calm down. I've caught myself a few times holding them too tightly, standing in front holding their shoulders trying to speak to them and they'll scream and I shook them once, not in a vicious way but it was with frustration and I instantly felt absolutely awful. I have really shouted a few times. I've cried in front of them and that's scared them. I am a very loving mum too, we do lots of arts and crafts, we bake together, we go on lots of walks, in a lot of senses I am the mum to him that I wanted myself. I'm definitely failing with my responses to tantrums though, and I'm worried that I'm abusive and I don't ever want to repeat that cycle. I have reached out for help, I've been really scared to do so in case I lost them, but I've done it and have spoken to both my GP about my mental health and the health visitor about my toddler and where I think I'm failing. I'm holding myself accountable and I have vowed that it ends here and they won't have the trauma that I did.

I guess I'm selfishly worried if he will remember all the bad bits. If he will remember me as the shouty mum. That he will remember me losing my temper and being rough instead of loving. If he will remember the fun we had or the crying. Have I already caused trauma. I really wanted to get this motherhood thing right and I'm disappointed in myself for how I've been.

Firstly, you're taking action to get support for yourself and to learn new strategies - that's important and you deserve credit for taking those steps. It's great too that you have the self-awareness to have noticed you were repeating patterns because being able to notice that is the most important step in changing them.

Secondly, getting motherhood "right" doesn't mean achieving perfection. And falling short of perfection absolutely does not mean you're failing!

You're very, very hard on yourself and I really don't think that's going to help you cope and use strategies - although I understand that harsh way you talk to and about yourself is part of your trauma.

Being more compassionate towards yourself will help you feel more able to cope with challenging situations. It's a skill to be compassionate with yourself, but it absolutely is one you can learn with patience and practise.

You've had a few imperfect moment with your toddler amidst many calmer and healthier moments. Isn't that the case for most decent but imperfect humans trying their best?

Don't beat yourself up. I doubt you've done any lasting harm and you're making changes. That's what matters - focus on the positives and the future.

You deserve to be built up not knocked down.

Look, motherhood is very challenging at the very best of times under the very best conditions. Add to it a tricky toddler, your own background, and you will have some questions.

If the screaming sets you off (you are human, things will set you off) try to have a few safety points in place in advance.

Very often a child just needs recognition rather than a solution. So "gosh you are very upset aren't you? I can see you are annoyed" and so on.

It is helpful to remember that life is very frustraing for toddlers and their tantrums are linked to that frustration rather than against you.

Talk, all the time, out loud. You love this child, you can and will break whatever cycle you are trying to break. Take that burden away, and use the freed up energy to concentrate instead on how to manage the child and you in those moments.

Toddlers can send even the most balanced person over the edge. You're wanting to make a change and that's the first step.

I think a big thing to remember is that during a tantrum, their brains are in fight mode. Any attempts to calm them down will likely be futile. Have you tried just letting them ride out the tantrum (while making sure he stays safe) and then talking to him after? It may mean saying something like "I can hear how frustrated you are, but when you scream it hurts my ears and I can't let that happen. I'm going to stand over here and I'll be waiting for when you're ready for a hug" and leave the area. A lot of tantrum activity is because it gets them attention - I would try not reacting and see what happens. Then talk out what just happened and try to offer some new coping strategies but only when he calms down.

you are doing brilliantly and your awareness is excellent. The one pointer I would offer is for you to go a bit easier on yourself. We all mess up, regardless of our upbringing, and especially in the toddler years when they are relentless. Don't forget to remind yourself from time to time that you're doing a great job.

I feel you OP. It’s awful when you see yourself repeating negative patterns. My worst one is being shaming towards them, giving a message of ‘it’s all your fault’. This was my childhood and it can be hard not to go there at times. I find this concept of ‘being with’ kids emotions really helpful, remembering to separate out what I am feeling from what’s going on for them. Hard in the moment. Also that Phillipa Perry book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ is great on this stuff.

I think it will be more than just overstimulation- when your child tantrums like that, it triggers feelings around how it was for you as a child expressing anger. Maybe you got humiliated, hurt or shamed. I have had some therapy that I have found very helpful in understanding and limiting the responses - they will still happen sometimes but I feel more aware.

You’ve done the right thing be realising you are probably repeating patterns of what you experienced as a toddler. I will say on tantrums, I just gave them a sofa pillow and told them to have it out with the pillow and sofa. Or if they’re on the floor kicking and screaming....meh, shout it out. Kick all you want. Get it out your system. I’d just settle in nearby and talk soothingly and to ensure they didn’t try and kick a wall or do something that would hurt themselves. I did this until they came to me for a hug and cuddle.

Toddlers have trouble processing emotions and so holding them in the midst of a tantrum and trying to get them to hold it in, by holding them tight or by the shoulders never worked on mine. I let them get it out of their system in a safe way that makes them feel understood.

Don’t worry, you’ve not been abusive, you only made a couple of mistakes- shook once and held too tight once. Abuse is deliberate and repeated. It’s not a one off of the mistakes done unintentionally that you describe.

5:1

If you’re having five positive interactions with your toddler for every one that goes badly fin some way, you’re doing ok. No parent is perfect. No one.