Baby Sitting Advice - Partner pressure....

[oystercatcher]

Help - need some reassurance that my instincts are right. We have a wonderful 19 month dd who is tricky at night. She wakes up several times and can take ages to get to sleep. I still breastfeed her as she is allergic to milk, so my social life is limited. I really do not mind not going out as I a incredibly tired and I would rather save myself for daytime activities - my problem is my dh doesn't understand. We are going to see friends this weekend and they have hired their babysitter so we can all go out - thier child is 8. I am concerned our dd will be in a strange house and with someone I havent met before looking after her. If she wakes dd will possibly be very distressed - Of course I have to get her to bed first (it was 10pm tonight and she wouldnt let dh near her to help) When I voiced my concerns my dh was very irritated by me saying I was being oversensitive and that there was no point in going away if I didnt go out - I feel totally under pressure and to be honest Im not comfortable with it. Id be happier going up having a good rest looking after the two kids and then having a nice day with our friends. I suggested babysitting an 8 year old is different to looking after an 18 month old baby. He has taken offence as it is his friends. We arrive at house approx6pm, babysitter arrives at 8, we are meant to be out at 8.30! dd goes to sleep anywhere between 7 and 8 on a good day - your guess is as good as mine on a bad one!

nannynick, we did go to friends altough we all ate in and then dh went out with his friends and I stayed getting dd to bed, was zonked by time that happended. we all went out for a long walk and afternoon meal which was great and we had a good time. dh was fine with it in the end. we will get out this week together and we do have friends with a baby a similar age who we spend time with when the dd's are in bed. my trusted baby sitter is my mum who is brilliant with dd but need to find someone else locally too - we have other family members for day time stuff but will get on it this week when I take her to mother and toddler group. What is EBM? soya no go, she has rice milk but will only drink half a sippy cup at a time.....i wnted to have got to only one or two breastfeeds a day day by now but she freaks out if I offer her an alternative when she comes near for a bf.

Dh used to feed dd with expressed milk but at about 3 months she refuse to take from the bottle - tried to suggest he did another part of routine to bond with her (she adores playing with him and want attention from him lots but he can seem dismissive of her, or just ignor her when he is doing something he wants to do, I pick up the pieces) I dont produce enough to express anymore, it became too painful to pump....

Your husband is able to dismiss her because you do pick up the pieces. Let him get on with it - most 19 month olds are not backward in coming forwards if their needs are not being met!

Hi Oystercatcher
I really sympathise, my dh used to be just like this when my dd were younger - and still is now. I think he just can't emphathise enough to care about what it would be like for them to be left with strangers. He thinks that as long as they are safe, that's enough, he doesn't seem to take into account their emotional wellbeing at all.

Both my dds wouldn't sleep through the night until they were 2.5, even after I had stopped BF at 1.

Even now my 8yo dd wakes in the night - like someone said above -it's what I signed up for and I try and try to get them to sleep better but in the end - I am there for them when they need me.

True, she does come forward though and it isn't pretty when she does! He then gets cross with her and this makes her more frustrated. He just doesnt want to deal with it, it is fine when she is fine but he gives up. I do leave him to it but when she is inconsolable I can't leave her so upset......Ive deviated off my main points but if he was more involved perhaps he would understand her a little more......

absloutely Hellish, although i hadn't a clue what I was getting into, whatever i got into I would try and learn and do what seemed the right thing to do.
my dh seems everything will be ok, and I am considered neuroitc yet when I speak to people I seem I'm not alone - I find myself having to justify myself with facts from books or back myself up emotionally on here.

my mum keeps reminding me I didnt sleep through until I was 3 - this must be kalma biting me back!!

re: comments suggeting a 19 month old "should" sleep better. ds1 didn't sleep through until his teeth were through. He had long since self weaned from bf at around a year old, so not a feeding related issue. He woke every night, for 2-3 hours +, for months.
Stopped as soon as last tooth through. He can now fall out of bed without waking up .
I wouldn't ever have left him with a stranger at that stage as things were clearly bad enough for him already.
so lots of sympathy re your anxiety.

Did your friends understand that even if you did come to stay that the evening out might be cancelled?

I think if i was the friend I would be annoyed at the weekend not going to plan.

I do understand that you were putting dd's needs first, but imo she will need to get used to staying with a babysitter if you & your dh are to have any quality time together in the evenings. it has to start somewhere I guess...

Hope I haven't annoyed you, but she is almost 2 years old and not a tiny newborn, maybe now is the time to help her learn that she can go sleep & that mummy will come back, she will be there when she wakes in the morning

My DS is 6 and I still haven't really left him with someone he doesn't know. We do go out. We have a couple of regular babysitters (not family) that he has gotten to know very well.

I sympathise as I would have felt exactly as you do. The difference is that my DH supports me. We have gone to conferences with his job where families are included and for most evening events children are welcome but for the final night's formal dinner are not - I just don't go to that one. Lots of others use hotel babysitters but I have never felt right about leaving DS with a stranger so we haven't. People have said "oh he'll be fine" but I don't like the idea and DH just leaves it to me.

However in your situation I would have phoned the wife of the couple and explained your discomfort and the issues. She would probably have been very understanding. It sounds like your DP still wants things to be as they were pre-DD so he will tend to brush things under the carpet whilst planning things with his friend.

EBM = Expressed Breastmilk ... you've tried that.

With regard to children sleeping, having cared for in excess of 100 children at night, I can say that I have found the following:
Ill children will have restless sleep - includes teething.
Children who are well, will sleep through if:

= they get outdoor activity during the day
= they have a bedtime routine
= they are not hungry
= they are not disturbed when they get to the end of a sleep cycle (they may make a small sound, avoid reacting too fast to sounds which are not high-pitched)
= parents are not anxious (children pick up on your mood)

When doing sleep training, one thing I found in common was that the parents were reacting too fast to noises. You know your child best, you know what noise is an alarm call (usually high-pitched), compared to what noise is just a protest/moan.

I read this thread with intrest this could have been me 10 years ago can i first say when you are bf you are still in a very over sensitive hormonal state because your body is wraped up in caring for your baby so as far as dh is concerned he is just a big smelly oaf who irritates you and wants to make smutty comments about shagging which of course you can not do cos you are a mother and mothers dont behave like that lol. when you stop bf you will be shocked at how differnt you will feel your body is still in an almost preg state i think you need to stop and give an alternative she does not need feeding in night and if you tryed a sleep training method would be sleeping withen a week it sounds like you are very resentful of dh and he prob thinks that what ever he does is wrong and you will redo it you have to let him find his own way with dd go out i dont think he will kill her i think your dh misses you you are using your dd to not address prob and you are very very tired hon. you have to want to sort this or it will stay same your dd needs a daddy and you need dh to support you talk to him it sounds like he loves you very much it is hard to let them be in charge my dh said as i was going out if he crys i will put car seat in kitchen and shut door i came back early and he was gently rocking him another time put washable nappy on then pop under vest then wrap so poor dd was soaked .

Cheers saff for making me laugh out loud! to a tee!
I know I was appaulig when I was pregnant - DH coing home drunk and waking me was the end of the world when I was pregnant. Now we make a plan and he sleeps on sofa if out late (as he snors when had a few.....etc) I know I am better than I was but I still feel so protective over DD. been advised by dietician to keep breastfeeding until she is 2. I do need to sort out her waking - We talk about a method then dh gives up on it so we give her mixed mesages all the time - then if she does get to bed sooner or later something wakes her - nannynick yes, there is always something causing it and more often or not it is when we go up to bed and make a noise upstairs (even the stairgate opening will wake her) When she sleeps with us she tends only to stir and more often than not she doesnt need feeding and wakes in the morning at about 6/7am. I never go in when she is stirring only when she has woken up and is distressed.Thank you buda too - I did call before so they knew how it could go - they were reasonable about it. DD comes out with us when we can take her and it is an early meal - she is very good socially unless theres a problem.

I feel compelled to put the lentil-weaver's view again!

19 months is TINY. She is still a baby - a toddler at best - and she needs familiarity, comfort and stability. To say that a 19-month-old must be able to settle herself and sleep through, or must be fine with being left with strangers, is nonsense IMO.

She is NOT in control, but she DOES need to have her needs met. A 19 moonth old is ENTITLED to have her needs met. It is silly to call this 'controlling behaviour'.

oystercatcher's DH sounds as though he is behaving like a selfish, childish arse. He's the one trying to be controlling. If he wasn't prepared to have his life disrupted he should have used contraception. Why do so many posters think that the answer is to give in to his childishness?

Oyster, please don't stop BFing because of some of the comments on here. BFing is hugely beneficial for your dd AND for you, and you should only stop when you want to. Neither of my sons has ever had a bottle, a cup of EBM, a drop of substitute milk or anything other than breastmilk (apart from cow's milk), and they are both very secure, independent little boys.

I am with you Policywonk - I do take on board other posts but my instinct is with you on this - from everything I have read and knowing her character. I try as much as I can with dd's sleep but it doesn't frustrate me.DH does get his needs met as much as possible but it is hard when he is only just realising plans need to be made with the fact we are parents in mind!

heres a little tip if you want to keep dh from hassling you i have found sitting on bed with x large tan tights an off grey maternity bra with bbf baby on one breast and expressing on other whilst wearing huge garfield slippers and a green face mask works for me is even better if you can encourage b to stop bf to look at doting dh so that milk shoots joyfully onto carpet. i asure you he wont be able to face special time for a while x

saff - ewwww. And very big LOL at Garfield slippers.

lol - does a thermal vest count too saff??!

oh yes you can also say stuff like do you still fancy me in a really whinny voice

LOL!!!!

and name his bits cute names too......thanks for making me laugh saff. Alas he is so up for it even that wouldn't stop him - should be thanking my lucky stars really.....Weekend seems forgotten about and dd has been back to bed at normal time and in her cot too! Yipee.