Over emotional dd

[SweetestLemon]

Hi all, posting for some wonderful and more experienced mums advice please!
I have a 4 yr old dd who I love to bits. She has a lovely character but we are really struggling with constant tears. She’s been like this since a toddler.
She constantly, throughout the day or evening, complains about scratches we can’t see, tiny tiny bruises, various aches and pains and cries (sometimes hysterically about them)
She gets upset by a lot of things (even things like laughing at her because she did something funny)
We’ve talked to her so much about this, about being strong and brave, we’ve been sympathetic, given lots of hugs, fusse over her, ignored it, changed the subject etc
We now have a second dd and are getting exhausted by the crying and demands. As mentioned, this hasn’t started since the baby came and she’s not jealous of the baby and adores her.
We are now starting to snap at her which is not a route we want to go down but we are exhausted, sleep deprived, trying to work, juggle all the usual stuff and half the time she wakes the baby or keeps us up delaying bedtime with some issue and loud crying
Help ! I really want her to be happy and strong because life is tough out there and she can’t cry in the face of everything. I do appreciate she’s only 4 too

See a doctor just to rule anything out.
Does she get enough sleep? Does she have any food allergies or intolerances?

Do you think she could sensory issues? This would explain the little pains and scratches that bother her so much.

Emotional deregulation is also linked to neurodivergent conditions. Might be worth doing some reading, if anything it might help you manage things better.

My 5 year old DD can be a bit like that - I always say she feels all her emotions really strongly. When she's happy/excited she is very, very happy/excited, when she's sad there's wailing and tears and often over things you mention like very minor ailments. As a toddler she would often start out tantruming but it would spiral into a full on emotional meltdown where she totally lost all control and even giving into the tantrum wouldn't have calmed her.

I don't think I really have much advice other than to say I eventually realised I had to accept that's just how she is (which I totally get is difficult, especially when you are tired with a new baby). We can't really change her but I assume as they get older she'll learn different ways to cope with upset. And for now, she is such a delight in so many other ways.

Little things that do help us are to acknowledge her feelings but not make a huge deal out of it ("Oh, your little finger hurts, that can't be very nice for you. When you're feeling better shall we do XYZ".). When she's not upset we talk about things we can do when we're feeling really sad like deep breathing, or finding a teddy for a cuddle. I think it also helps to make sure she doesn't get too tired and she gets plenty of positive attention throughout the day.

She started school in September which made it much, much worse for a bit but I do think since Christmas she has settled in and she is starting to have less extreme moods, although we certainly still have plenty of tears.

And don't beat yourself up over snapping sometimes - you are also human with your own feelings.

What have school/nursery said , is she like that there ?

Have a look at The Sensitivity Project: m.facebook.com/sensitivityprojectau/

Agree check: Tired? Thirsty? Hungry?

Then, I'd say worth looking into Dr Markham's book/website:

www.ahaparenting.com/read/How-To-Special-Time

Special Time always helps.

Sometimes kids are desperate to process emotions but need help doing so. They will whine and pester and cling and are like a bottomless pit.

Markham talks about a child with a 'full backpack' who really needs to be given space and time to unload all the feelings. You have to make it safe for her to do so. And then let her feel everything, act out (she can't hurt herself or you, but otherwise, she can do what she wants) - but in a time-limited, loving space, where you are there as a guiding presence. I may not be explaining very well, sorry, it's late and I'm tired!

So ... it's not about giving her sympathy, just about listening. Active listening.

This made an enormous difference to my eldest child. I highly recommend it. It's a process he went through only once, a bit like sort of somatic therapy for kids, unloaded everything, did a lot of weird gurning and rolling about. After that - I'm not kidding - he was transformed. And now every now and again I can tell when kids just need to 'decompress' and have some time to let rip, vent, wail, cry, sob, etc. It can be difficult - many parents find it understandably hard to sit with our child's 'big feelings'. We want to fix it, make them stop crying, etc. But what the child needs is quiet, non intrusive and safe listening.

I find giving lots of empathy and really validating the feelings helps.

My ds3 needs to feel that he has been heard. If I try and be positive and brush things off then it seems to get worse. However when I listen and try and understand he seems to feel better quicker.

At first it seemed counter intuitive and I had to remind myself that it was the best way to support him.

Thank you all so much for your great advice . I sent the link to this thread to dh too.

1. After reading your responses I couldn’t sleep and was thinking a lot about how we are with eldest dd. I got up at about 4am and sat with dh home , only reading at night. @DomesticatedZombie your advice had been really valuable and I read the link you sent. Reading doesn’t even count as proper 121 time, which was interesting.

I also thought back through dds words and behaviour and realised she’s desperate for my attention, especially. She says all the time she misses me, that I’m so beautiful( despite my grey hair and eye bags) and is in that adoring mum stage. Also she’s been through a lot. No doubt she’s picked up our grief during losses and ivf treatment over several years, we moved house, had a baby, are moving again. She’s changed nursery several times. We reflected on how hard all this must’ve been for her. We treat her as a mini adult because she’s vocal and tells us how she feels often but I don’t think she can really express anxiety around all this. We forget she’s only 4! Yesterday, dh and I spent 15 minutes doing play of her choice together. She was so happy. Unfortunately, when it finished she was pretty upset and went looking for me ( I was in the bathroom) I read that’s to be expected though. So each day/ evening we will do 15 mins of play without fail. We have agreed that. Often I’m cluster feeding in the evening but dh will do it if I really can’t

1. @ANameChangeAgain I also think her routine has been a bit out of whack as we juggle dinner, chores and prioritise baby getting settled so we will be stricter about that
2. @Susu49 I did wonder if she has adhd as she finds it hard to sit still. She often falls and breaks things. She’s just come to me having further broken an ornament I got for my birthday ( already broke it once) however, I don’t know what’s being 4 and regular behaviour- is the Gp the route for assessment?
3. @BaffledBerluga I do think a lot of her personality is dramatic , so thanks for this - she does show extreme reactions to happy ( trying to jump on sofa and tearing round the house) and sad ( wailing for up to half an hour )
4. @GeneLovesJezebel school have said she’s lovely but benefits from boundaries and that’s probably been lost a bit since baby came , sometimes we are flaky with following through on consequences for bad behaviour and also she doesn’t seem bothered to lose things she likes. Only the naughty corner is dreaded and can invoke an hour of crying and issues afterwards so it’s effective but we don’t always use it

Thank you so much for all your wisdom. It’s helped us stand back and reflect . A lot of the behaviour is likely our fault and that’s an important realisation. I hope putting in place some of your ideas and being more aware of how we act will make a big difference. Thank you mums ❤️

Sorry that first bit messed up, what it was meant to say was that dh and I had a good chat and reflection and realised we don’t have any proper 121 time with dd after nursery. We also realised many other things in our conversation

Aw, OP. Well done.

Unfortunately, when it finished she was pretty upset and went looking for me ( I was in the bathroom) I read that’s to be expected though

Yes absolutely. It's not a bad thing. Another opportunity for her to express her feelings!

• so glad my garbled late night thoughts were helpful. As I said, I found the advice of Dr Markham and her book really life changing. (Calm Parents Happy Kids is the book).

Don't forget the #1 advice, though: start with compassion for yourself, acknowledge your own emotions and how hard it is for you, and extend compassion and care for yourself. Parenting is fucking hard work!

Also noting that while your DD may have quite extreme upset to begin with when you start special time, (or when you finish it) as you progress her 'big feelings' should soften and reduce.

Op that's such a heart warming update, it sounds really positive.

I'm afraid I have no expertise in childhood adhd at all, I've become familiar with it in adults only because several friends have recently been diagnosed. I'm imagine the gp is the best place to start but I'm sure someone else here can advise you better.

From what you've written though, from my own inexpert perspective, I'd suggest seeing how things go with the new approach and give her a chance to settle before you look into other causes. I think teachers also play a part in spotting nd traits from reading other posts.

You sound like a really lovely family :)

You could look at wobble cushions for sitting still? My ex colleague had one for her core but apparently they're good for fidgety children too.

Thank you 🥰 both kids have colds so a world of fun right now ! I bought a wobble cushion @Susu49 so thanks for that, never heard of one before. @DomesticatedZombie it’s so hard isn’t it ! How do people have 3 plus kids, they must be amazing parents, I’m in awe. I have lots of siblings and every time I call my mum I have so much appreciation for her and thank her and ask her how she did it ( she can’t remember, obviously a blur of craziness) thanks again ladies, your advice has really helped and I can see things improving already xxx

So glad to hear that, Lemon. No point comparing people - everyone's lives, situations, babies and experiences are so varied and full of variables. It sounds like you're doing brilliantly. x