Suffocated by the responsibility of being a parent

[JennyHasBeen]

Just writing this to see if anyone feels the same.

I have a three year old daughter who is my absolute world. She was much longed for and is my true joy and happiness. I adore her.

I have found parenting challenging in ways I just never imagined, obviously there are the physical and practical challenges (sleep deprivation etc) but it's the mental responsibility that I really struggle with. When she was about three days old I remember lying in the bath and realising "this is forever, I have to keep this person alive/ can't sleep unless they're sleeping/ everything revolves around them" and the realisation and responsibility just hit me and I felt totally trapped. This caused me to feel quite panicky. The only way I can describe it is the feeling that if you're told you can't go for a wee you suddenly feel like you really need to?! Well knowing that I have to be present and responsible and do all these simple things, it makes me feel like "what if I can't?" And then I feel like I actually can't. Sorry - this probably isn't making sense but maybe one person will read this who feels the same.

I know it's ridiculous because all I care about in my life is my daughter and family and every day I strive to give her the best possible life and we have such a wonderful relationship. No one knows the internal daily struggle.

I don't want to go to the GP as I feel like I am coping and pushing through, I really just want to vent and someone to talk to. I have always felt that once my daughter is older these feelings will diminish because my main concern is her reliance on me, and me falling apart basically. If I were caring for a 13 year old I wouldn't feel like this as I would know she would be capable of feeding herself etc. I probably sound totally nuts! Just wondering if anyone else understands.

You don’t sound nuts but I do think you’re worrying more than might be typical.

Similarly though, the single hardest thing I’ve found about being a parent is the responsibility for DD’s happiness and well-being.

Yes, it has got a bit easier now that she’s old enough to not starve if I were too unwell to get out of bed, but unfortunately as one heavy responsibility eases, another comes along.

DD has struggled with school since starting and this occupies a lot of my thoughts/energy.

I’m not expecting teenage years to be any easier.

All I can say is that I think it is helpful to tell about these things - to other parents, family, health visitor, GP just to make sure they don’t become overwhelming.

Yep, I feel exactly this. Started with the realisation that I couldn't just relax in the evening and get a decent night's sleep, then spiraled from there. I feel the pressure of every parenting decision, anything less than perfect (which I am a very long way off) feels like i'm letting my kids down. Like, will they struggle with food like I do? Underachieve? Have low self esteem? Then there's all the what if they die thoughts.
I've decided I have to be more forgiving of myself, and overthink things less. Its a conscious effort though.

@GlumyGloomer

Thanks for replying - how old are your DC? Do you feel there's light at the end of the tunnel in terms of your feeling like this?

I felt/feel very similar, although my baby was unplanned and it was a very difficult adjustment to parenthood for me. I try to focus on the day-to-day: DH and I are meeting our child’s needs pretty well so far, and worrying too much about the future won’t help anything. It’s
Not easy because anxiety does run away with me sometimes, but it doesn’t help me to be positive and not fret about hypothetical future scenarios that I can’t control.

Agree though that the mental load of someone needing you so much is terrifying, and pregnancy/birth is the easy bit.

@JennyTwoPenny they're 2 and 5. I still get woken up at least once a night. I'm not sure if it will get easier due to time, or practice CBT style but I hope so. I'm trying to focus on what I can do well, and forgive myself more on the stuff where I just muddle through.
Maybe when they are able to take a bit more responsibility for themselves it'll be easier?

I feel exactly this.

I am so tired of making every decision for everyone. They need me so much and I feel so suffocated.

I love them so much but I also cannot wait for them to be in bed so I can have some alone time!