Child Maintenance - is this cheeky?

[OverOverThinker]

Name changed for this one.

My ex and I split about 7yo and we have a DS10 together. We get on brilliantly, there are no hard feelings and we have a very good working co-parent relationship and split our DS about 60/40 to me.

When we initially split my ex would pay maintenance but was made redundant so we agreed for him to stop paying for the time being. I worked FT and managed to support our DS fine financially (just about as I rented privately and didn’t receive any benefits) and then ex had some awful and tragic family news and really affected him for sometime so naturally the maintenance payments never resumed. He has however always paid half of whatever our DS needs, whether that be swimming lessons, football, school uniform etc. And there has never been any hostility in him paying half for anything if I’ve asked.

However I do more of the organising so for example, DS friends birthday parties - I’ll always get the presents/put money in the card. If DS needs his hair cut, then I’ll pay. If DS needs new clothes/trainers then I’ll take him shopping. If DS has school plays and needs particular costumes then I’d pay, or had to make certain school projects that required a big hobbycraft visit, the small purchase list is endless but I don’t ask for half of the money. I think because at the time I I feel like they’re small everyday payments so can brush it off but it does all add up and as DS gets older things are becoming more expensive and I’m on ML now (new partner) so on Stat Pay.

When speaking to friends/family they can’t believe that I don’t receive maintenance for our DS and it’s got me thinking about whether I should bring anything up to my ex? I feel like perhaps it’s a bit late to be asking and is it also cheeky? It feels cheeky...

FYI I’m the one who receives the weekly £20 CB. Is this to cover costs like what I’ve mentioned above?

I think it's time to bring it up again. He's being cheeky (xp) not you.

You feel it's cheeky to ask for CM for his own child?

You have been played - 'good co-parenting relationship', my ass. He is happy to see his DS and contribute on an ad hoc relationship, but not properly with maintenance.

Yes, he should contribute. Regardless of his difficult family news, he can manage to pay the required financial contribution.

Not cheeky at all and you should bring it up. You’ve (rightly) allowed for redundancy and (nicely) allowed for other circumstances but you’d be right now to ask that payments start and be more formalised. I’d hope his response would be “of course”

When you say he had some awful news, has this stopped him going back to work? If he's managing to work, he can manage to pay for his child

@EarringsandLipstick

Only because we split our DS 60/40 so he’ll stay with me 4/7 days per week and at his dads the other 3. If I had DS most of the time I don’t think I’d feel as cheeky asking.

I don’t know anyone else in the same situation. Either both parents still together, or where Dad is hardly in kids life/weekends only. So just don’t know if our set up makes a difference.

@PositiveLife he has gone back to work yes but his mental health has been affected quite severely. I’m happy with my life, our DS is happy, I have a new partner and a new baby so I feel bad asking for money when we split DS 60/40. That’s perhaps where my sensitive/empathetic/muggy nature lets me down!

If he has gone back to work then yes he should contribute CM. His mental health is almost irrelevant since he's clearly well enough to Be back in work

Honestly you have him 1 day a week more so realistic would of thought it would be minimal to cover the one extra do 1 day .

Just as his circumstances changed so have yours with MAT pay. I wouldn't ask just tell him you need payments to start again .
Have a figure in mind before you start the conversasion .

It's not cheeky at all to ask. However, as you only have him one extra day, I wouldn't expect CM to be a lot, it does need to be worked out fairly.

I also wouldn't mention asking for it because of Mat leave as that was a decision you and your partner chose to make with having a baby.

I would sit down and work out with him how much he should be paying for that extra day and also an agreement that if DS has friends parties etc that whoever he is with that day buys the gifts and other costs.

Child benefit will help for some of the costs or crafts and things but any hobbies he attends should still be split 50/50 between you both

You should ask for the Cm or at least alternate who takes him for a haircut etc so it costs 50/50. If you don't want to ask (I think you should though) you could ask him how he'd feel about giving your son pocket money so he can pay for gifts for his friends etc

I think that it is unacceptable for him not to pay. Trainers get really expensive as they go into adult sizes- I have to replace my ds' soon and am hoping to get away with spending £80.

I had a similar split to you. 4 nights with me, 3 with ex. He paid cm, his share of the childcare and towards stuff like school trips/uniform. Tbh his cm mostly went to paying for clubs and stuff for the kids. I now have them more often so it has gone up but I did get it even on a 4/3 split.