Can't handle my four year old

[anamelikenoother]

Looking for reassurance or advice about my four year old son. He's just such hard work and I'm exhausted by it. He can be a delight but more frequently he is overwhelmingly whiney and grumpy. I feel like we can't get anything right and the smallest, seemingly insignificant thing can start a total meltdown which is difficult to get him out of. I know much of this is normal but I can't seem to cope with it. The frequency of it, the fact that he still can't sleep alone or through the night along with violent outbursts are leading me to feel like I don't want to be around him.

I feel so much shame and grief - I feel like a terrible parent and that our handling of him isn't working or helping. I keep trying to remind myself that everything's a phase but it's been like this for a year or more.

We've recently had a baby so he struggled with that and got (understandably) worse for a while but definitely improved, but he's still constantly whinging and complaining.

We've tried various strategies - gentle approaches like holding him and listening, along with discipline like time out (always accompanied and gentle). Nothing seems to work except sanctioning tv time or foods he likes... But I'm sick of bribing/threatening. Are there other ways to manage this?

My husband doesn't really think there's an issue and has more patience than I do, but had struggled more recently. I'm at the end of my tether...is this just his personality? Will he grow out of it?

@poppet131 that's an interesting question...quite possibly still daily! But there much more manageable - he sometimes takes himself off to his room which works for me!
They're also much shorter lived and less intense. He might be upset for a few minutes but he's easier to rationalize with and to distract. Sometimes it's just because he's tired from school or I haven't presented him with food quickly enough!
I think the control element has really reduced because he's so much more independent, so maybe encouraging more autonomy now might help if your little one is struggling?

My 3/4 year old was similar to this and it did pass. He is the loveliest little boy now and I enjoy his company tremendously.

Sadly I did shout and get mad many times when he was going through this phase and it did t help but it was more to do with me feeling sk overwhelmed and exhausted.whatever helps you both in the moment I would do. In hindsight I should have left him more to scream and shout it out on his own and then go in to comfort him when he's got it out of his system- this definitely worked but I only implemented it after many months of trial and error.