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7 year old wants to be good at things but will not learn/practice

17 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 10:01

DS(7) is at an age where various friends are keen on skateboarding/scooter stunts or tennis or karate. He wants to be good at these things, but he does not want to put any actual time or effort in, and he does not recognise that his friends are better because they have put considerable time into it (either because they enjoy it or because they wanted to get better enough to suck it up).

If DS can't do something easily, he gives up and sulks. Swimming is the only thing I have not let him give up, and tbh I thought as he got older he would come to recognise that a little bit of perseverance pays off. Or peer pressure would motivate him.

Has anyone found a way to get a child like this to try a bit harder?

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alfagirl73 · 26/02/2022 12:45

Has he got any sporting heroes who might have spoken in an interview about the amount of work/training they have put in to get where they are? A few have done documentaries that really show what is involved and if it is someone he admires it might have an impact - especially if it shows the sports person struggling with a particular skill and how they go about tackling it.

Alternatively, is he the kind of kid who will sit and listen to reason when he is calm/happy etc? Maybe present it as an experiment to him - pick a skill in whatever activity - nothing too difficult, but something that he has struggled a bit with - maybe something that previously got him frustrated and triggered the subsequent sulk. See if he will agree to work solidly on that one skill for an afternoon (for example) without sulking or quitting - just to see what happens.

Just focus on that one skill - chances are he will improve in that afternoon - so that will demonstrate how the improvement comes - and probably give him a confidence boost. Maybe a bit of bribery if he sticks with the practice session and sees it through. The point is to get him to stay long enough and do it long enough that he sees improvement in that one session. In his mind he's thinking "I can't do it! What's the point?!" - he has to experience pushing through the challenge and realising he can do it - just because it's hard, doesn't mean he can't do it.

If he's doing lots of different things and trying lots of different skills he may see the practice involved in getting good at all of it as too much - the goal is too big - too far away. If he has an impatient personality he needs to see quicker results to trigger his motivation. So you need a small goal to start with so he experiences the process of achieving it.

If he improves one skill in a day - doesn't have to be perfected - but if he goes from say - unable to serve in Tennis so the ball goes over the net - to actually getting a few over the net - and maybe into the correct area - then he sees the progress immediately.

Narrow it down - pick a skill that you think he can improve on in a few hours - even a bit - so he can see the results. Then suggest another skill another day - so it starts to build up.

I'm no expert in this at all btw - but I have an impatient personality myself. I struggle with a few skills in a sport I do - had a mental block. I recently started just taking one skill and working on it for an afternoon - breaking it into chunks within that session, and got great results. It's really motivating. Sometimes I'd say "okay - let's do this for an hour and see where we are" - usually I'd already see improvement in that hour and I'd end up there for another couple of hours.

Thinking back, when I was a child, no one actually taught me HOW to practice things - how to break stuff down and do little bits - perfect them one at a time - then build it up. Often kids are told to "practice" but they may not understand how to really do it. I find it fascinating watching things like gymnastics training/practice and seeing how they break down skills/moves in order to perfect them. Maybe a few YouTube videos that show skills being broken down like that might help so he can actually see that they don't all just turn up one day doing all these tricks - there is a process to learning them and perfecting them.

Don't know if any of this will help but maybe worth a shot!

daisypond · 26/02/2022 12:54

There’s quite a lot of stuff these days on how to develop a growth mindset - the BBC has stuff on both CBBC and CBeebies as well as online, I think.

KingscoteStaff · 26/02/2022 12:57

Lots of really good advice from alfagirl.

There’s one thing I would really recommend - and that’s boredom! DS was moderately talented at cello and did reasonably well up to the age of 9ish. However, 4 weeks staying with family in the country with no WiFi (and really bad weather!) meant that he practised every day - sometimes twice! - and the improvement he saw in his playing became a motivation in itself. When we came back in September, the fantastic reaction he got from teachers/orchestra leaders meant that the progress continued.

The same thing happened with my nephew a few years later, but the weather was better, and it was a cricket net rather than a cello!

It’s amazing what kids will work on if the easy dopamine hit of a screen isn’t an option.

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Phalarope · 26/02/2022 13:00

DD is similar. Workshops are good - someone who is not a parent who can help get you started on a particular skill. This got her going on the skateboard.
Her piano teacher spent a lot of time explaining how to practise - eg when you’ve got those three bars right, play them again ten times. Not that I have much luck getting her to do it.

I think though that they’re only little, and still have small child attention spans - until they’ve achieved something through repetitive practice, they won’t get it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 18:31

Wow, some good advice thanks!

Yes, I think picking one thing that he can improve at would be helpful - his friend has just got a skateboard and is getting frustrated that he can't immediately manage it, so we are bringing them both to a park with a great skating surface tomorrow for the afternoon.

It's true, he is much better with a teacher/stranger to impress. And thank God for that because otherwise he wouldn't be able to read or count.

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 18:32

And if all else fails I'll take him to the wilds of Connemara and see what Nothing Else To Do achieves Grin

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CandyLeBonBon · 26/02/2022 18:33

@TheYearOfSmallThings

DS(7) is at an age where various friends are keen on skateboarding/scooter stunts or tennis or karate. He wants to be good at these things, but he does not want to put any actual time or effort in, and he does not recognise that his friends are better because they have put considerable time into it (either because they enjoy it or because they wanted to get better enough to suck it up).

If DS can't do something easily, he gives up and sulks. Swimming is the only thing I have not let him give up, and tbh I thought as he got older he would come to recognise that a little bit of perseverance pays off. Or peer pressure would motivate him.

Has anyone found a way to get a child like this to try a bit harder?

My dd (13) is the same so watching with interest for any ideas!
sjxoxo · 26/02/2022 18:39

This sounds like my DH 🤣 He is now retired from pro sport and is notorious in our family for not putting effort in unless he is actually very good at something from the get go. He is/was obviously very good at sport but anything he didn’t LOVE he couldn’t be bothered with. School etc was difficult- he just did the minimum.

I think either you let him ‘fail’ at something to make him understand that it feels bad to ‘give up’ and therefore we need to try, or you really encourage him to ‘win’ at something so he can experience how good that feels and hope this will spur him on!
Are you sure he really likes these activities as otherwise I would’ve thought he wouldn’t want to give them up & would want to continue. Sounds like his confidence is being knocked and then he’s retreating in which case I think you are right to make him persevere with something that he will likely succeed at- when he does make a huge fuss so he knows he has done it! Xx

sjxoxo · 26/02/2022 18:42

Another thought I had was also something I think my DH had to learn when he stopped playing - how hard the rest of us work to be successful at something!! Maybe your son thinks it comes easily to the others around him? Perhaps try and show him how others practice and to what extent. Maybe if there’s a famous sportsperson or similar who he likes who has talked publicly about his efforts to succeed that might inspire him. Good luck! Xox

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 18:48

The thing is I made him persevere with swimming (despite not liking it) and although he can swim pretty well now, he still doesn't like it, and so it was not rewarding to persevere. I've never really pushed him at things he wants to do but I feel are optional - I have a fear of being one of those parents who turn fun things into a chore. But at this point I'm going to try nudging, and see if it is more rewarding when he can do something he actually thinks is cool.

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ringoutthebells · 26/02/2022 18:57

'I made him persevere with swimming (despite not liking it) and although he can swim pretty well now, he still doesn't like it, and so it was not rewarding to persevere.'

I mean this kindly. Could this have something to do with it? He's only 7! Surely what he's doing is ok? Just let him work through the frustration?

sadpapercourtesan · 26/02/2022 19:04

Perhaps he hasn't yet found the thing that will inspire him to strive? He's still very little. Lots of seven year olds aren't good at anything except picking their noses and asking awkward questions Grin

I wouldn't concentrate on "learning to persevere" for its own sake at this point. If he's not genuinely fired up about the activity - and he clearly isn't - then encouraging him to slog away at it will have the opposite effect from the one you're hoping for. I would focus on broadening his interests as much as possible. Let him have a go at as many things as possible, from watercolour painting to rock climbing, and just encourage him to see it all as an adventure with no consequences for getting bored or wanting a change. Sooner or later something will resonate with him, he will mature a little, and he will find himself absorbed in something that he loves and the rest will come naturally.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/02/2022 19:05

Swimming is different imo, that's a safety requirement and all children should learn it. Finding a passion in life is something else.

Kite22 · 26/02/2022 19:08

When mine said they didn't want to go to something any night / weekend, I would say that they'd made a commitment so had to finish the term and then they could tell the coach / leader they didn't want to go anymore.
Overwhelmingly, what they actually meant was either "there's something else I'd rather be doing this evening" or "It's dark and raining and I don't want to go out right now" rather than they really wanted to stop. Normal feelings we all have about things at times. Obviously if they still felt that way after giving something a proper go, then they could finish, but I didn't let them not do things on a whim when they were taking up a place at a class / in a team / at a group sort of thing. I think they have to learn that there is an element of commitment and to see the view and feel the achievement you have to climb the mountain.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 19:08

Lots of seven year olds aren't good at anything except picking their noses and asking awkward questions

I am proud to say that he has persevered with these activities and achieved a level of mastery which he seems to find rewarding!

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parched · 26/02/2022 19:11

Maybe he just hasn't found the thing he loves? My DS was similar with skateboarding at your DS's age and gave up, but has now gone back to it. He's had a go at most things and they all end up being fads - there's no point forcing him to practise something he doesn't enjoy. I found Matthew Syed's books for kids great for encouraging a growth mindset. A few years ago DS tried cricket via All Stars and loved it. He's been playing ever since, asks to go to park and practise. He's never been this committed to anything before. Your DS will find his "thing" too in the end.

Carbiesdreamhouse · 26/02/2022 19:13

My DD loves to show off. She hates music practice but make it a daily 'recital' to the family and she's suddenly there raring to go.

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