Argument with DH about his parenting

[Whatsmename]

We're usually fine about each other's parenting, but yesterday, DH and I had a big falling out. We were on a day out and I usually lead from the front as dc2 dawdles/walks slowly including DH. We were at a busy visitor centre type of place, all outdoors etc.

I was walking at the front (2-3 metres or so) with our eldest child (6) chatting away whilst DH dawdled behind us with youngest (3). I then looked back to see that DH was infront of our 3 year old and she was walking a couple of metres behind him. I've spoken to him about this before- don't let a child walk behind us- mainly just the mischevious 3 year old. It would take seconds for her to shoot off in another direction or for someone to snatch her and turn the opposite way.

I spoke to him about this after it happened and was met with an argument, him trying to justify that it was fine for her to walk behind us all, then told that he could still see her 🤔.

Later on, we went somewhere else.
The eldest child and I were chatting away at the front again. We like to get on a bit, DH is happy being slower with DC2.

I looked back to see DC2 had fallen over trying to scooter on some cobbles, infront of a crowd of people under an archway. I couldn't see DH anywhere. She had held up a group of people who were just about to bend down and pick her up. Dc1 and I ran back, I picked her up and couldn't see DH. He appeared seconds later from the other side of the arch way. I asked him where he had been. Why was DC2 on her own? And he said he hadn't left her, that he could still see her but had gone to put something in the bin on the other side of the arch, allowing DC2 to continue without him. He had allowed her to carry on trying to scooter over cobbles and left her to it.

I've said that it's not acceptable that there is a crowd of people between him and DC2 when I'm clearly walking ahead with DC1 and don't know what's happening. He's arguing the toss claiming he could still see DC2. But we couldn't see him anywhere. Both of us saying "where's Daddy gone." Fair enough, it was only probably seconds, but long enough for her to fall over and be on her own, long enough for a small crowd of people to form between himself and DC2.

He's very laidback/not aware/slow reaction time and I really worry that he's not switched on enough as a parent at times. But he's arguing/justifying everything which means this behaviour won't change.

Have you any idea what I can do in this situation? Obviously, in future, I'll have to be the one at the back with dc2 to avoid this. But I just wish he could realise that I'm pulling him up for her safety and not to merely get at him.

I fully empathise with you. My husband does not react at all, even when on the two occasions in our 8 years of being parents where a bad accident have befallen our DC. He literally stands rooted to the spot and then casually saunters over (meanwhile, I’ve obviously made the mad dash to help). I have no idea why he does it. I do suspect he has ADHD (he agrees), but not sure this is a cause for his utter lack of inaction / inability to realise a potentially dangerous situation. I’m also pretty laid back, so this is saying something!

I'm constantly shocked at how some adults don't seem to understand how to look after their own children.
Yesterday, I watched a man cross a busy road(2 lanes each side) near a junction, with a 2 year old on a scooter. Not on a controlled crossing, no hand holding, she was behind him and he was chatting to her but not even looking . Children can't judge traffic speed at that age, they don't understand danger, and rely on the adults to keep them safe. It doesn't happen often, but small chat are easily kidnapped, who'd want to be the parent that enabled that? More likely, they can easily get lost or distracted into a dangerous situation.
Your DH needs a parenting course. Until he can look after his own children safely, you are going to have to keep smaller ones with you.
I would have a problem respecting a man who is so wrapped in himself that he can't look after his own children. It's not a parenting styles issue, it's a selfish twat issue.

Thanks for understanding 🙏.

The worrying thing is that I'm also planning on leaving him and have prepared myslef for a 60/40 split.

Now, I feel like I can never leave because he can't be trusted to be responsible.

My BF H is like this - I won't go out for the day with them as BF leaves them to it and my nerves are on edge all day. The last time we spent a day out in london the youngest: Licked the pole on the tube, jumped on the wrong escalator, scooted into the road at Marble Arch. It makes me ill with anxiety! The older 3 seem quite sensible but the youngest is reckless and has had so many broken limbs etc already. If I were you I would be staying with both DC all the time.

Buggy or reins for your toddler. And you in charge.
Leave dh at home them you will just have 2 dc to manage not 3...

Oh God.
He's just informed me that he's taking DCs to a national trust park on his own for the day tomorrow.
(I have to work).
I've said it's not a good idea. He's got his back up... I wouldn't mind if he had acknowledged his crap parenting from yesterday, but he hasn't. He genuinely believes he had all eyes on at all times.
I can't stop him, but it just sends my mind into over drive.

As an 18 year old I used to walk my 4 year old twin sisters home from school.
No one needed to explain to me (I figured it out all on my own) that they either had to hold a hand or walk in front of me if they didn't want to hold a hand.
They absolutely were not allowed to be behind me unless they were holding on to me.
It is glaringly obvious that you need to be able to see unrestrained little people at all times so that if they bolt/fall you can intercept, and so they can't get too far behind you.

Could you try to address the actual problem that happened - DC 2 fell over and was distressed and a stranger was about to console her before he could? Does he think that is a problem or no?

I think his supervision is a bit more lax than yours although you haven't actually written anything I would necessarily think of as negligent. I also think the risk of children being snatched out of the blue is so remote it's not really worth bothering about but small children do hurt themselves, can get disoriented or lost in crowds, and obviously need to be closely supervised near dangers like traffic, heights or water. Trying to ride a scooter over cobbles is obviously an accident waiting to happen so a bit daft to leave when she's doing that, but perhaps he didn't think she would try to scoot over them or thought it would be okay for her to find out it was difficult by herself? (The last one is kind of borderline for me - I'm all for hands on learning but you'd want to stay nearby if that was a deliberate tactic and help nudge them towards the correct answer "oh those cobbles are a bit tricky aren't they, why don't you push the scooter instead?"

If you are planning to leave then I'm guessing he might not be the easiest person to communicate with at any time. But yes, differences in parenting like this are something that you have to let go of control over when you are co-parenting separately. With the youngest being 3/4 though it's not quite so critical as they do have some limited sense at that age. Not so much that you can just leave them to it, but enough that the supervision can be a bit more lax than it would be for example for a toddler.

I'm going to insist on calling him throughout the day (ridiculous I know) to remind him to keep eyes on at all times.
I hate doing this. Just want to leave him to parent so that I can get on with my day.

Yes OP I have very similar. My DH doesn’t seem to realise that my 3 year old can and will run into the road and needs a hand held when crossing/near the edge. He seems to think 3 year old is as road savvy as the 6 year old - which is ridiculous because to be honest my 6 year old is probably unusually road savvy for his age!

Drives me nuts, we row about it a lot and he accuses me of barking orders at him (eg when he is nearer to the year old who is about to run into the road so I shout “grab him”, he says well why didn’t you? Um BECAUSE YOURE RIGHT BY HIM!

I can only assume he’s better when I’m not around as there’s never been any accidents and he looks after them solo a lot.

No you can't call him and remind him throughout the day.

I'm sure both your dc will be absolutely fine tomorrow. I do think you're slightly over reacting sorry OP. It's a NT place, not a motorway.

I think you're going to have to accept he parents more lax than you and that's his way. He's her dad and gets to parent her how he wishes too just like you do.

Just because it's "not a motorway" it doesn't take away other risks and of course kidnapping is rare, but do I want to pay a game of roulette? Not really.

And yes, I can call him. If he needs reminding to be aware and attentive of "our" children.

God, that would stress me out so badly. I feel wound up just reading about it! I don’t know what the solution is though if he refuses to accept it. I suppose at least at a national trust place they’re not having to cross roads.