Moving area or staying near friends? What's most important with a baby?

[Givemepickles]

My first baby is due in August and I'm looking for advice on what should be my priority once the baby is born.

The issue is that DH and I dislike the area we live in in London, and don't want to be in London at all. We want to move to a town in Sussex or Surrey (like so many parents it seems!).

Our friends live all over London, none in our local area so we travel half an hour or more anytime we meet up. We are desperate to move but I'm worried that we will be even more isolated if we do. But will being in an area we like so much more counteract that?

Will I move to somewhere with community and greenery and then once the baby is here not care about that and want to see my old friends?
Is it easy to make new supportive mum friends in a smaller community?

I'd love some advice on this as I just can't work out what to do for the best. Are we mad to even consider moving while pregnant or with a newborn?

I’d move. If you’re close enough to the city to still get a train in and see your friends it’ll be fine. Do they have kids? If not you might not be seeing too much of them anyway at least at first!
You have to make effort in any new area to make friends but sure you will. Even if you’re proactive and post on local Facebook group to do a mums walk and talk.
It’s harder to move when your kid will be older as you’ll have made mum friends maybe have them settled in childcare or school and moving primary schools can be tricky!

I'd move. There are lots of opportunities to make friends with other parents when you have a little one. We didn't move but found that our friendships from before starting a family dwindled after the DC arrived (time constraints, different priorities and interests) so most of our friends now are other parents we met when the DC were little.

@lking679

I’d move. If you’re close enough to the city to still get a train in and see your friends it’ll be fine. Do they have kids? If not you might not be seeing too much of them anyway at least at first! You have to make effort in any new area to make friends but sure you will. Even if you’re proactive and post on local Facebook group to do a mums walk and talk. It’s harder to move when your kid will be older as you’ll have made mum friends maybe have them settled in childcare or school and moving primary schools can be tricky!

Only a couple of friends have kids already and some are TTC so may soon. I hadn't actually thought about the fact that would stop us meeting up so much actually. It may be that we all disperse more in the next few years anyway. Whilst DH and I will be only the second couple to move out of London I think others will too eventually. So it may be that hanging around for friends isn't something that will work long term.

In my mind I thought they might pop over more when I'm on mat leave and some of them have play dates with the kids. The train would be an hour if we moved so probably wouldn't do that very often with the baby. Maybe we'd drive in sometimes.

In terms of childcare, do we have to book a nursery place far in advance? Would it be unrealistic to think we can move when baby is 6 months and get a nursery place soon after?

Is there an option to move closer to parents and are they able/willing to help with childcare? It makes life so much easier if you have someone you can call on to help out a bit once you go back to work and once kids start in school, even if it's not a regular commitment.

@confusedlots

Is there an option to move closer to parents and are they able/willing to help with childcare? It makes life so much easier if you have someone you can call on to help out a bit once you go back to work and once kids start in school, even if it's not a regular commitment.

Unfortunately not :( That's something I'm worried about because I think I'll need support but it's not something we can change either. We're going it alone!

In terms of childcare, do we have to book a nursery place far in advance? Would it be unrealistic to think we can move when baby is 6 months and get a nursery place soon after?

I may be wrong but I don't think it's common to book in advance. I've used two nurseries in the last few years. They seem to have a space usually, and for babies they often do because mums are still at home.

May be a different story at preschool age. Wouldn't worry, just look around a few providers, one will have space definitely.

I'd either move asap (rent at first while you sell your place) so that you can make NCT-type friends in your new location, or wait until after mat leave. Don't do it halfway through ML as it could end up being quite a lonely year.

We moved just before my second mat leave and I have found it relatively easy to make friends, although I do miss London. Mat leave in London was excellent in lots of ways - loads to do and easy to maintain a little bit of a social life. That has died a death since we moved 60 miles away!

You can make new friends. Area is much more important long term imo.

Honestly I wouldn't base where you live on friends unless they are parents - I've barely seen or heard from non mum friends since I've had my 5 month old despite their excitement beforehand! Join an NCT group it's basically a ready made group of friends and has so far been enough support/people to hang out with for me.

If you had said you were minutes away from friends, I would have said consider staying…but as they aren’t even that close, I’d move to your desired location and book an NCT course (or similar) to meet some future mum friends.

It’s really easy to become lonely on maternity leave, so I’d try and move ASAP so you can feel settled and in touch with the area and build a network before your baby is here. I wouldn’t in a million years try and move with a newborn unless you are outsourcing literally everything. I think trying to pack and unpack a house with a tiny baby (or even an older baby/toddler) would be hell, but others might disagree.

I’d speak to any nurseries you are interested in sooner rather than later. It might be fine - we got our desired days no problem approx 5 months in advanced. Some have crazy waiting lists though, especially for popular days, and you don’t want to find yourself stuck, especially if you move to somewhere small with only a few options.

@Cocomelonearworm

I'd either move asap (rent at first while you sell your place) so that you can make NCT-type friends in your new location, or wait until after mat leave. Don't do it halfway through ML as it could end up being quite a lonely year.

We moved just before my second mat leave and I have found it relatively easy to make friends, although I do miss London. Mat leave in London was excellent in lots of ways - loads to do and easy to maintain a little bit of a social life. That has died a death since we moved 60 miles away!

I agree the timings you've suggested would be best. Seems everyone thinks that moving is the priority which I didn't expect! DH and I will have to have a proper think about this as my NCT classes should be in June or July so moving by then would be a big push. I don't think we could sell the house by then. Also, finding somewhere to rent that will take pets is tricky. Ahh lots of research to do!

Out of interest @cocomelonearworm what sort of things did you do in London on mat leave? If we don't manage to leave by then I want to at least make my attitude one of making the most of it. Love some ideas!

It sort of depends on where you are I suppose, but for me in south london I went to:

Local baby group once a week in SE5 (DM me if you'd like details) where you basically sat round and chatted/drank tea while feeding the baby. Made lots of friends here
Baby sensory at Brockwell Lido and Hartbeeps
The Horniman museum
Post natal yoga with the baby
Rhyme Time at the library
Exercise classes outdoors in Burgess Park where you could take your baby
Apple Tree cafe in Herne Hill with a little soft play area
Swimming at my local pool
Bach to Baby recitals in Dulwich - you take your child and listen to classical music for an hour. They do similar ones at St Martin in the Fields
Baby cinema (my fave) - there's always a baby-friendly screening on somewhere
Further afield: Squash Space at the Barbican, Docklands museum, Postal museum in Holborn, Little Marchers at the National Army museum

There is heaps to do. I used to use a brilliant app called Hoop to find out what was going on each day but I don't know if it survived the pandemic.

To be fair, this was mostly in the second half of mat leave, the first six months I just went to child friendly cafes or the park with friends or a book! I used to go to art galleries quite often as well and pop in to an exhibition once the baby fell asleep. Tate Modern is great for that and there are sofas upstairs if you need to feed.

Just going for a walk along the South Bank on a sunny day was a lovely thing to do, I used to do that quite often.

Hope that helps... I am getting very nostalgic remembering it all! It was a brilliant year.

Ahh thank you, that's a great list! Those specific places are not close to me but I can look for similar groups and activities in my area.

I absolutely hate going into London so I'm worried that adding a baby to that will not help, but maybe I'll feel motivated to go to a museum or something once I have kids. I'm just not into that stuff so end up doing things I could do anywhere, which is part of the reason I want to move. Is it easy to get on the tube with babies and pushchairs? Should I use a sling if venturing into the city centre?