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Original poster

Suffering really bad with baby blues and it's only day 3

23 replies

Onegoingontwo · 23/02/2022 13:35

I had my second DC almost 4 days ago and I'm just filled with so many emotions and thoughts that I genuinely feel are valid and I feel awful for and was wondering if anyone could make me see this is just temporary or I'm suffering with baby blues.

My first DC is 20 months old and so full of energy and personality that she is making it hard to care and/or bond with my newborn. She exhausts everyone because she's always on the move (she's a climber) and she's always throwing tantrums over the smallest of things. She is also going through a biting and hitting stage so I'm terrified to have her around the baby so he just spends most of his time in his cot in the bedroom where it is safe.

I feel awful because DD is the light of my life so upsetting her with this new dynamic is upsetting me. My partner is taking it particularly hard. He cried the first night home thinking he had really upset her as she was not the smiley girl were used to and overall seemed quite terrified of the baby. I know that it is temporary and she will warm up to the baby but it's made my partner resent the baby. I think he may be suffering with baby blues or some sort of postpartum depression too? In the hospital he was all over the baby but now at home, with each passing day, I see him becoming more and more distant and uninterested. He even admitted to me he has no love for the baby and feels emotionless to him.

Im also exhausted and I'm thinking why the hell am I putting myself through this again? He was planned and very much wanted, but I'm feeling like it was just more because we felt DD ought to have a sibling not because we ever wanted to expand our family or have a large one. So he feels more like a chore? Like a thought that wasn't really well thought through and now it's too late to take it back.

I feel so upset all the time. Like I'm letting everyone down. I want everyone to be happy including myself and especially my baby but I can't seem to juggle it all. My partner hardly talks to me. He's not his jolly self. We had a good routine and spent our evenings together having fun playing games and whatever else but we haven't done a single thing together since because we're too exhausted and too disinterested too.

What should I do? I feel so upset and lost. All I know is I love my baby and I feel like it is wrong too because he's really upsetting everyone else I love and care about.

OP posts:

Ducksurprise · 23/02/2022 15:46

Firstly and a very deep breath.

What you are all experiencing is completely normal there is nothing like the shock from one child to two (and I have six) The learning to share your time and love around, the initial upheaval, the bone crushing tiredness of having a new born and a toddler. When you look back to when dd was born it would have chaotic, you wouldn't have spent much time playing games, you have made the routine that works so well, and you will make it work again.
It is such early days, whatever you manage is good enough. I used to keep my baby inside the play pen to keep safe, might be easier than his room?

BetterLox · 23/02/2022 16:04

My DS1 was 24 months when DS2 arrived. I cried day and night for about two weeks with feelings of guilt for not giving DS1 enough attention and also for feeling like I hadn't bonded with DS2.

DS2 is 4 months now and I must say the emotions have settled right down and it's a case of not having time to be upset now! I am doing the best I can for both DS and I appreciate that I'm not superhuman.

Reading your post took me back to the very early days (which seem so long ago now!) but I promise it gets better!!

Bdhntbis · 23/02/2022 16:08

Please don’t worry; it is only day 3 and it’s really not surprising that you all feel out of sorts. Surely you’ve only had one or two evenings at home so far?
My DD found it hard when DS was born but we figured it out all together; some days were hard and others were lovely and the benefits of a sibling far outweigh the downsides

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Antenatal & postnatal Families General parenting

Ursusmajor · 23/02/2022 16:11

It’s only day 3. It will get better. Is your youngest big enough to be bundled up in a sling for a 30minute trip to the park all together? Then leave DH and DD at the park to continue playing a bit longer and go home when you need to feed/change the youngest. Is your DD in nursery or does she ever spend time Grandma? Can someone - maybe your DH take her out for a nice morning doing something that’s part of her normal pre-sibling routine.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 23/02/2022 16:12

I remember when I brought number 2 home
My eldest didn’t want to eat his dinner and I cried so much thinking he didn’t want to eat his dinner because he was unsettled about a sibling… turns out he just want hungry as my parents had given him snack all day long.

Wnikat · 23/02/2022 16:12

It’s going to be ok, OP. You’ll get through it. Day 3 is prime baby blues. Your daughter will be fine, her reaction is totally normal, within a year they will be best mates. Be kind to yourselves, make liberal use of CBeebies and take one day (hour?) at a time.

EvilPea · 23/02/2022 16:14

I remember being told day 3 is the day to watch. Your milk comes in and your hormones are all over the place.

Be kind to yourself and rest when you can. Just one hour at a time. You’ve got this .

Duracellbunnywannabe · 23/02/2022 16:57

It’s the day 3 hormones crash! It’s awful, I remember struggling to bf DD2 and DD1 was running around while the midwives rushed to see me as they were worried DD1 may have become jaundice- she was fine, it was fine. It was fucking exhausting but it all worked out fine.

GrendelsGrandma · 23/02/2022 17:18

Someone told me having another is pressing the big red reset button - you just about found a routine and then it's all chaos again.

It will settle down but your family has a new configuration and it'll never be exactly as it was. You can't pretend otherwise and your daughter might need to go through a kind of grief phase as she gets used to it. When I had dc2, dc1 spent much more time with DH and they both enjoyed it.

You're only four days in but in general, being sentimental won't help. It's tempting to give your eldest more leeway and toys etc but she needs stability most of all so work out a new normal and stick to it.

Deep breath, you can do it. Congratulations!

Nillynally · 23/02/2022 17:24

You are a literal shaken cocktail of hormones and sleep deprivation. Everything you're feeling is normal. Ask for help, soldier on through, look after yourself and you babies and see how you feel in 10 days. Congratulations you're doing an amazing amazing job

Bunny2607 · 24/02/2022 04:10

Hi OP
Sorry you are feeling this way. The baby blues really are an absolute killer. I’ve got a 3 week old and days 4-6 wrote me off. I was on the floor. I cried constantly, regretted having the baby and all sorts. I talked to the midwifes alot and also my husband which helped. Your husband is struggling too so he may not be an option for you but i found talking and saying how i felt really got it off my chest. I was kind to myself and cried when i wanted to and just had to let myself feel those emotions. Day 4 was the worst for me by far and each day it got a little easier. I don’t know if you can search my posts i’m not overly familiar with mumsnet but i asked for help on here re baby blues and got some really helpful replies so if you can find that thread it may help you too.
It will get better - hang on in there and soon everything should settle down for you.

Tabitha888 · 24/02/2022 04:27

This is something that confuses me. Why do people have a second child because they think there first needs a sibling. I'm due soon and absolutely do not want to go through this again. I've had an awful pregnancy and can't imagine looking after two children. She can make friends and we can all be happy without society's pressures of giving our kids a sibling right?

Pinkglittery · 24/02/2022 04:41

It's black day three sadly. At this point with DC1 I was still in hospital. The lovely midwife gave me some morphine and took the baby to be looked after for a few hours. It will get better. Just hang in there and try to remember. It's just your milk coming in. Will get loads better.

DropYourSword · 24/02/2022 04:48

@Tabitha888

What confuses me is why anyone would think this might be a helpful comment on a post written by a mum who is struggling right now

SuperSleepyBaby · 24/02/2022 04:53

I felt a bit emotionally detached from my second child for the first few weeks when he was born.

I took care of him, fed him, hugged him, went through the motions, but he was just this baby who I didn’t have a strong feeling of love for!

The bond gradually built up over the first few weeks and months.

He is 10 years old now and we have a great relationship.

Those early days seemed so significant at the time but now they are a distant memory.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 24/02/2022 07:59

@Tabitha888

This is really not the thread to ask a question like this. OP is day 3 of a new baby and needs the support if others. If you have a genuine question start your own thread.

whysoserious123 · 24/02/2022 08:11

YOU ARE NOT ALONE !

completely normal, keep going your dynamic has changed so getting a new dynamic is hard but give it until the 2 weeks mark and see if you and your family feel better. If not call the gp and you and your partner can have a chat with the gp and go from there. Your eldest will just need some time.

Please try and relax OP and take care of yourself

LittleBearPad · 24/02/2022 08:24

@Wnikat

All of this ^^

It’s a shock having 2 as all your routines go out the window just as they did when DC1 was born but you only had her to think about. I would have the baby with you rather than in the bedroom so everyone gets used to there being the 4 of you together. But be kind to yourself.

The relationship between my two is wonderful to see.

HumunaHey · 24/02/2022 08:25

@Tabitha888

🙄

OP, you wanted your child to have a sibling and nothing is wrong with that.

I wanted my child to have a sibling too and went on to have DS2. I personally wouldn't have felt family was complete with just the 1.

I went through all the feelings you and your DH went through with DS2 and also felt incredible guilt that I just didn't love DS2 as much as DS1. I also secretly felt resentful of this innocent baby rgat I brought into the world had disrupted our peace and long fought for routine with DS1.

DS2 is 7 months now and I adore him and so happy I had him. He gets on great with his older brother. I am still exhausted but things will only get easier from here (less sleep deprivation I'm hoping!). I feel content and happy we took the plunge to have a second. It's hard and VERY emotional work at first. But it will get better and be worth it💐

ThePlantsitter · 24/02/2022 08:33

Oh poor you. I'm going to echo that day 3 is classic baby blues day (Google it, it really is). Also your age gap is exactly the same as between my kids and it was hard at first but now they are 11&12 and best mates and have been for years (and sometimes worst enemies but best mates at the same time).

Don't worry about your feelings about the baby just now, concentrate on getting through the day. It's all right if your daughter is scared/annoyed/whatever these are human emotions she's perfectly entitled to have. She's unlikely to actually hurt the baby while he's about and I found it helpful to have the baby in my arms a lot of the time so Dd would cuddle/climb around meand the baby and we would share her.

DH needs to just provide practical help at this point and worry about his bond with the baby later. YOU need to be the priority now because you're looking after 2 children with crazy hormones zinging around your body.

Hang in there

Longblues · 24/02/2022 08:37

You will see from my user name I very recently was having horrendous baby blues. By day 10 it was improving a lot. What helped me cope when overwhelmed was getting up and doing something- washing some dishes, put washing away, quick shower. I know it is hard to get the chance but a quick distraction with a practical task seemed to calm my emotions a bit. Also eat and drink plenty. I lost my appetite but tried my best.
All of the feelings you are having are normal for any mum with older children. It is a huge adjustment but everyone gets there.

Onceuponapotato · 24/02/2022 08:37

Day 3 is horrendous! Your hormones go through the roof (or floor, or both at the same time it feels like), you’ve had no sleep, reality starts to hit hard. But the reality is that it’s ok to feel like you’ve been hit by a bus, it’s ok to feel that life has been tipped upside down, that’s all perfectly normal. I took a lot longer to bond with baby 2 than baby 1, which made me feel awful, but I think it’s perfectly natural and common. You will all find a new rhythm together, it’s just going to take some time.

All that said, be honest with your midwives and health visitor about how you’re feeling, and if you don’t gradually start to feel better, have a chat with your GP about it.

Sausagesausagesausage · 24/02/2022 08:38

It's only to be expected that you're crying - it's all the hormones! And it's hard with two and two competing sets of demands.

With DD, I'd say make sure she's in her routine as best as you can. When I had DS2 my DH used to take DS1 out for hours on his non nursery days and they'd have all sorts of adventures in the park or round the shops. This gives you time to bond and rest. Make sure any visitors spend time with DD as well as the baby, I don't think FIL held DS2 for weeks because he'd always be off with DS1. There's so much less time when you've got two and things are going to be up in the air but they'll settle and get better, you all need to take time, accept that you're all shattered and just take it a day at a time.

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