I actually hate meal times

[Mamabear04]

I honestly hate meal times. My 2yo just fights it every time. Ive tried everything. She used to be such a good eater until a couple of months ago and now she refuses meals and asks for snacks instead. I've tried giving her meals with lots of little picky things. I've tried eating together. I've tried distracting her. I've tried no snacks only meals. I've tried letting her down from the table and offering the same food if she says she is hungry but she never eats it and she only gets more tired and grumpy and I am so sick of it all. She just always fights it. She pushes herself away from the table and rips her bib off. Its so unejoyable to eat dinner as a family. She'll cry and whine and demand toys or TV and I'm honestly at the very end of my patience. What can I actually do because I honestly feel like crying every time and I try not to get angry but inside I am seething

When you say she refuses meals and asks for snacks instead what do you mean?

Does she ask for crisps or a cake instead of pasta and tomato sauce, or does she want to eat on the rug in front of the tv rather than at the table? Your post isn't clear - she asks for snacks but apparently neither letting her get down nor giving her snack-type food is satisfactory.

To solve the problem you have to work out what the problem is - has she taken against the food itself (textures, tastes etc) or is it the meal structure she dislikes? Does she hate having your focus on her as she eats, does she chafe against the high chair, does she get hungry at times different from the schedule?

We eat meals at the table so I think that the problem is more having to sit at the table and eat a proper meal. She is hungry at meal times but instead of eating the meal no matter what it is, even if its just beans on toast for lunch which she loves, she refuses it and has a tantrum. Instead of eating something proper like pasta, baked potato etc she will refuse and ask for a snack like an oat bar or an apple etc

Sounds like she's come to associate being at the table with being frustrated and angry. I would get her eating elsewhere in the house for a bit to break the association, and then go from there. Maybe set things up to be more fun at the table, e.g having her favourite teddy join in with his/her own dinner. Also at that age mine LOVED it if we made the food scream with pain when he was chewing it

Just a few suggestions...

Could you do indoor picnics for breakfast and/or lunch to try and change it up a bit as well as offering her the picky bits when you do this?

And for dinner, would it be possible to get her involved in the making of the dinner? I know that can be tricky with a 2 year old and having hot pans and sharp knives about etc, but perhaps give her jobs she can do like weigh out the pasta, ask her to set the table. And in the day (obviously pending your home routine) but if you have time could you do a little activity with her like making origami Napkins for everyone to use at dinnertime or make a themed or seasonal table decoration. This could give her the opportunity to 'showcase' the dinner she cooked or table that she decorated and take pride in it. If she takes to it, you could then expand by getting her an apron, etc like keep it up where possible but mix it up every now and then.

Hope it gets better for you OP. It sounds like she's pushing boundaries really and seeing what she can get if she refuses / tantrums.

Does she need a bib at 2? Does she sit at the table in a normal chair or a high chair? I'd let her have a little toy at the table. Make it fun for her. I also find letting them serve their own food helps too, putting it in the middle of the table and let them have at it.

I’d get away from the table a bit more. Picnic rug on the floor, her and teddies in a tent, just take the expectations away of being at the table for a few weeks. How’s her weight? If she’s generally a good weight and she’s eating something I’d try to shift the focus to making mealtimes more pleasant and not worry too much about what/if she’s eating. Obvs this doesn’t apply if you’re concerned about her being very low weight.

Thanks for all your suggestions - really appreciate it! She's generally a really good toddler but sometimes if it's a hard day I do let her eat on the sofa in front of the TV (because it's the only time she'll sit still) but I don't want it to become a habit or for her to think if she cries she'll get what she wants. I do like the idea of taking the pressure off the table but she is still a very messy eater so when it comes to things like beans, peas or generally things with sauces like pasta or curry she really needs to sit at the table with a bib because otherwise I'm forever washing her jumpers. I should have said as well she is very lazy and wants "mummy help" or "mummy do it" and generally gets me to spoon feed her, which I do because I'm worried she just won't eat or that the meal will take too long and then she won't eat a good portion. My OH thinks she's too old to need help and I agree because she is more than capable to do it but I guess I've just made another problem by helping too much.

She actually loves helping me cook. She'll stand on a chair next to me as we make dinner and I let her help when she can and she plays with the stock cubes and all the pots and pans and spoons. I actually love cooking with her but it's the actual eating that's so difficult. Even with toys I will allow one or two but then she just gets distracted and demands more and then to go and play so it just seems a waste of time. I feel like I've maybe made all these problems

They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing.

I will admit to being quite strict with my daughter. If she doesn't eat the food on her plate, fine, but there's nothing else for her. No snacks or pudding.

If she eats her tea she gets pudding.

She has gone to bed without an evening meal a couple of times as that was her choice. Other times she will eventually eat but it's often after we've all finished. We just ignore her if she's tantruming.

As a parent I pick my battles, eating at the table for the evening meal is a battle I'm willing to fight.

Does she go to nursery? My dd has always been a rubbish eater. Wanted to be fed etc. She went to nursery and suddenly she was sitting at a table and eating on her own.

What time does she eat? Just thinking if it’s too late she might be tired, too early perhaps not as hungry. If she’s at nursery does she get a late snack? When DS was at nursery the 3.30 snack was basically his tea, we just had something small at home about 6pm because he wasn’t really hungry. You could also change the hot meal to lunchtime if everyone’s got a bit more patience at that time of day and then give her a picnic for teatime. Is she just turned 2 or on her way to 3? I do think their capacity for dicking about knows no bounds at that age!

Ah, I spoon fed mine on and off for years, don't worry about that. She's still very young, so long as she gets to practice feeding herself at some point in the day I wouldn't sweat it.

She doesn't go to nursery yet but she does eat much better if we're out and about in cafes or at other people's houses. She's 2.3yo. She eats breakfast around 7.30am, lunch is 11.30am before nap at 12.15pm and then dinner around 5-5.30pm and bed at 7pm. If she does get a snack I give her them around 9.30am and 2pm.
She asked for Wheetabix this morning with honey and raisins and then demanded more raisins even though there were still loads in her bowl. My OH said he would get her more once she had finished the raisins in her bowl but she ignored him and then had a complete meltdown. She has been doing this quite a lot where she will ask for a specific food and then refuse to eat it like I'm making her eat something she hates!!!

Ah 2.... when they see a boundary and just have to try and smash right through it.

I found what to expect the toddler years really helpful for this. Meal times will be just one part of this joyful stage.

Try moving to family mealtimes as that helps model the behaviour you want.