I can't cope

[failinghard]

I feel like such an utter failure.
I had a baby 4 months ago and am finding it hard to manage everything going on around me and the relationships in my life.
We have a dog who regularly wakes my baby up when I put her down. We have a very ill cat (long story but she disappeared for 3 years and has recently turned up) that needs round the clock care. The baby is an angel but am trying to get her into a routine, combi feeding so making bottles and trying to maintain my supply, and also dealing with sleep regression and getting very little sleep.
My partner is a workaholic, has his own business, he pays for everything, tells me regularly this is my job (to manage the house, look after the baby), he doesn't help with the animals at all, if he takes the baby he pretty much just puts her in the chair in front of the tv or whilst he plays Fifa (basically what he does with his spare time), which means she just gets bored and cries, and I have to step in. He has taken her out once to the Aquarium when I went to a 40th bday. He regularly stays overnight in London (so has time out), i do get help when he does a local lady will come and take the baby for a couple of hours whilst I do some exercise and do chores. I am so broken, I just cry a lot when I am alone with my baby and think about ending it all, even though I love her and my little family to bits. I think my partner is a bit depressed too (hence he just plays FIFA as escapism), we are both working so hard doing our things, by the evening we are just zonked. We are also planning a wedding and I am desperately trying to shed baby weight, have appalling body image at the moment and just don't feel sexy. On top of this my partner has covid right now, so trying to avoid passing it onto the baby, so everything is on me. Sometimes I just don't think he sees how much I am trying to do and how hard this is, i don't think he likes me tbh, and had a go at me tonight saying I am self centred and that if I want more support then I better start working as a team. I am seriously thinking about getting a child minder and going back to work, at least I'd have a time out and have my own money.
On top of this his family are badgering me for pics of their grandkid or generally being entitled regarding our wedding.

I want to disappear!

Read this back and imagine it isn’t about you. Do you think anyone would cope with this?? Your partners behaviour is abhorrent - his house and his child and his pets are just as much his responsibility as yours! If he is depressed he needs to get help, not be an utter arse to you. I’m torn between telling you to run for the hills before getting married…and telling you to definitely get married so when he decides this is all too much and buggers off you aren’t left with a big financial problem. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I just about survived the tiny baby stage with an absolute darling of a husband. I would have sank without trace in your situation.

Please please please have a real think about whether getting married is the right choice. In the meantime, can you afford help? Even if it's only on an occasional basis, a night nanny would allow you some respite.

imagine a friend says all of this to you, what would you tell her?

my DH is a workaholic, albeit not really through choice, but he contributes to the general effort at home too. we tend to play to our strengths/avoid our weaknesses and also rather than see who's doing what, we make sure we each get the downtime we require. what does he say if you raise this with him? is it just that bit about you needing to work as a team if you want more support? (ridiculous btw)

Please try to speak to your GP or health visitor about the crying/ feeling broken/ thoughts about ending it. Could you arrange/ afford private counselling even if over a videocall - could the local babysitter come over for that? You matter and your health and happiness matters, regardless of what your partner says to you. Also it is fine to go back to work if you think that would help you regain your mental health. I would be putting the wedding planning on the backburner until things feel more stable in your relationship, its extra pressure you dont need. Look after yourself

Having a baby is so hard.

Please speak to your GP and tell them how you feel.

Four months is a difficult time, I feel, because you're so tired and the baby is beyond the tiny, sleeping all day stage but not yet able to sit up or move themselves. Things will get a lot easier.

Is there nothing you can do about the 24 hour care cat? This may be cruel, but in your position I would be looking to get rid of the cat.

Can you defer the wedding? It's a lot of work and pressure and it sounds like you and your partner need to do some work on your relationship as a priority. Maybe some counselling?

Your partner is being an arse IMO. Being on maternity leave doesn't mean you're solely responsible for everything except his job, or that you're immune to the effects of sleep deprivation and loneliness. He should want to participate in family life and to develop a bond with his baby. When my kids were very small I would be counting the minutes until my husband came home some afternoons, because I was knackered and he was helpful. Should add that I did shit all housework, we had no pets, and I wasn't planning a wedding.

I think both you and your partner are expecting too much of you. You are not a failure to be struggling with challenging circumstances. Do you have someone IRL that you can talk to about how low you're feeling? Would agree with PP that it may be good to speak with GP also.

Take care op x

Your partner should be doing more to help you.

Whoa!

Slow down!

First your DH gets holidays, sick pay, tea breaks and the drive home plus his nights away AND playing Xbox.

You on the other hand have a 24/7 sleep deprived no tea break job plus all the housework and wedding planning. Hardly fair!

Think about the dress - and swap it for a week off!!

I wouldn’t entertain his family either.

Postpone the wedding, get yourself a guaranteed afternoon off and do not use it for housework. Lower your standards. Stop doing his washing - you’re already doing more than your fair share.

Your partner is a dick. This isn't how things should be. This is some 1950s twattery!

I combi fed for 4 months, more out of habit than necessity, and I decided at that point to drop the bottles as my son preferred the boob and I was finding it all too much to do both. He only had about 8oz on average a day so I gradually weaned that back to nothing, and we've both been getting on much better since. Depending on which you both prefer, maybe chose one?

I have to say I'm glad I picked BF. Once he started weaning, there was a lot more cleaning and oragnising. The bowls, the bibs, the highchair, the floor... all the prep. Then triple that when they're on 3 meals, plus faffing with bottles? Sounds like a lot of work to me. If I had lots of people helping me through the week, I'd have kept a bottle or two. But if all the feeding is just on you, then why bother?

Thanks for your messages, so nice to know people care. Yesterday was a horrible day but today has been better. I do think I've been a bit harsh about DP, he does help with bedtimes and makes dinner 50% of the time. He wfh most days and is on calls almost all the day, so it's hard for both of us. He sometimes takes the baby on his calls, and has gone out his way to take me to health appointments, bought me a car, pays for someone to come and help me two days a week when he's away (unfortunately this week we have to isolate) etc
He's definitely not an arsehole. He's not very domesticated sure, or at least he doesn't prioritise stuff and I am pretty ocd.
I sat down last night and told him exactly how I am feeling, to give so much and feel so broken, and like I am failing. But he showed me that I am not. Parenthood and maintaining a family is so hard, some days you feel like you are crushing it and some other days it's just a living nightmare. He suggested an au pair or nanny if I wanted to go back to work.
I don't think the bad weather is helping, I need some sunshine, fresh air and change of scene I think. Plus some sleep! I am going to bed earlier, and when DH is better I am going to ask him to take the baby out so I can chill.
I am also going to stay with a girlfriend in a couple of weeks just with me and baby, DH can take care of the pets and play FIFA till his heart's content!
I defo am going to speak to a doctor too, as I can't get as low as I did yesterday, not good for the baby to be around that energy.
Yes and wondering if I can continue combi feeding much longer. Unfortunate baby doesn't go down for naps unless i feed formula but I love bf and i think it's good to keep it going.
I agree we need to work on our relationship and reconnect. Having a small baby has changed everything for us x

It's really good to hear you are going to start prioritising yourself, well done However, your partner will owe you a few days free from childcare duties in the future! As much as I would love to go stay with my mum for a few days when I'm in a huff with my partner for not pulling his weight, giving him a free house with no responsibilities for a few days would feel like I was rewarding him! But I do hope you have fun with your friend and your baby, that sounds like a nice little break from the stress at home for you.

In terms of the formula, I thought my baby wouldn't be able to sleep at night without a whacking great formula feed as this is when I had been topping him up from birth, basically... but I got brave and started trying to reduce it just one oz at a time, at his pace, over the space of a few weeks... it took two weeks to completely wean off the formula. You have to give your baby and body time to adjust. If you are using anything faster than a slow flow teat, go back to the first size. Babies don't need as much breastmilk as they do formula, either. Once they are well on the way into weaning, the demand on your body reduces so at 4 month could be a good time to stop FF if you are finding making bottles too demanding. It did make my life easier.

Good luck with your parenting journey and congratulations on making it this far! I found the first 4/5 months incredibly hard too.