How to prepare toddler for new sibling?

[Bancha]

DD1 has just turned two, and I have DC2 on the way in a couple of months.

I’d be grateful for any tips that you’ve used to help your eldest prepare for a new sibling. Also, if you have them, tips on how you managed two young children at the same time. For example - will I be able to put DD to bed some nights? I am dreading missing out on lots of time with her already!

If it’s relevant, DD’s language is really good - she speaks in full sentences and understands what we say to her.

However, of the reasons I am a little concerned about our new arrival is that DD can be quite clingy to me and prefers me for pretty much everything. Having DH do things for her used to cause a lot of screaming though this has reduced with us being firm and consistent and really trying not to undermine each other inadvertently.

For example, I used to do all bedtimes but we decided to change to set days and she used to cry when it was daddy’s turn, whereas now she asks me to do it instead of daddy but says goodnight to me happily and does bedtime with her dad no problem. Having said that, I get her up and ready every morning, for example, and if DH did that she would get upset because it’s not what she’s used to - she is very set in her ways!!

I’m worried that a new baby is going to be a massive shock to her and I want to help her as much as I can before the baby arrives. I’d be so grateful for any advice/wisdom from people who know what they’re doing!

We had a couple of books and read them whenever DS asked to which was a lot. We did a fair bit of talking about what babies do (they are boring, they cry a lot, they poo a lot) so he wouldn't think he was getting a play mate. We talked about the practicalities as well - go to GPs for a sleepover, daddy will look after you, mummy will be very tired, has a poorly tummy (I had a section) and can't pick you up for a while. My DH had an extra week off work and just took DS every where - they were out on the park every day, went to soft play, went to see MIL a fair bit so he was delighted. The baby brought him a great present too so that helped!

DS2 lived in a sling for the first few months which helped as we could just carry on. I would do both bedtimes some nights, bit hard as he'd often need a feed or would be crying so I'd often be reading a story stood up jiggling him!

I just spoke about it normally, and made sure to let the kids know they needed to be careful with the baby.

I do find that the most important thing is when the baby arrives, you need to make time for your older child, play with her, read books (even if the baby is sleeping on your arms or feeding)....

@Sausagesausagesausage

Thanks for your reply. What were the books you used? If you don’t mind saying, how old was your DC when you were having these conversations? DD is 24 months and I don’t think anything like that would make much sense to her. She can understand tomorrow and later but not much more than that.

@grey12 thanks for replying. Yes I will be trying to do as much with DD as I can so she doesn’t feel replaced. I am not sure whether we should increase DH’s role or whether I should just make the most of what’s left of me having so much time just for DD.

Mine are two years apart. We prepared by simply telling her what was going on, letting her feel kicks, and she had a new doll and buggy for her second birthday just before.

As far as coping, my advice is to go with the flow. Babies are flexible, more flexible than toddlers so try to make the baby wait (a few minutes) if your toddler needs you. That said you also need to set boundaries for your toddler and say I will be with you in 10 minutes or whatever.

I had no help as exh went back to work after 3 days and we lived overseas with no family or even close friends, you just manage. My eldest was diagnosed with autism a few weeks later, that made things tougher than just dealing with 2 little ones due to medical appointments (USA, lots and lots!)

I wouldn’t over think it, sometimes less is more

@gogohm wow. I can say without any hesitation that I would not have coped with all that.

@OnceuponaRainbow18 thanks for this, I haven’t given it a lot of thought until now, just been enjoying DD and my pregnancy and suddenly it’s hit me that things are going to change so I’m panicking a bit!

We did it very badly because we thought we would leave it a bit and then a visitor to the house asked dd 'are you looking forward to having a little baby brother or sister soon?' He had only come in the house to do the paperwork on a car we sold him!

Tbh my kids ended up knowing so much about babies that when they watched the Stork movie I had to come up with a convoluted story about infertility and adoption 😂😂

I have heard you should use the term 'WE are having a baby', 'our baby' so she feels part of it.
I'd work on her accepting changes to routine in terms of daddy getting her ready.
When the baby is here, make sure visitors say hi and give her attention first, before going to the baby.

I managed to do a lot of bedtime whilst feeding a newborn or handing baby to DH.

I talked about the baby in my tummy as “your baby” and showed the toddler the cot etc.
When ds2 arrived ds1 was a bit upset - just a bit unsure and wanted cuddles - and I don’t think there’s anything you can do to stop it happening. Its not a reality til the baby arrives for them and I just needed to give ds1 plenty of cuddles. Give baby to dad whenever you can to spend time with your older child (even if it’s just to brush teeth or play or go for a little walk), the older child will adjust! I also tried to hold back on fussing over the baby in front of the toddler.
As for bedtimes after dh went back to work I just had to carry on! I put baby in his baby bath so bathed them same time, just carried on as normal but baby was along for the ride. It became easier in time.

Not us as ours are very close together, but my SIL got a cute sand timer for her older child so that if she needed to be with the baby, the toddler had a visible of how long mummy was going to be, eg. Mummy will come be with you when all of the sand is in the bottom, but until then I need to be with baby sister.
Worked really well for them as toddlers have no concept of time.

@Mommabear20

Not us as ours are very close together, but my SIL got a cute sand timer for her older child so that if she needed to be with the baby, the toddler had a visible of how long mummy was going to be, eg. Mummy will come be with you when all of the sand is in the bottom, but until then I need to be with baby sister. Worked really well for them as toddlers have no concept of time.

Don't think I like that idea babies are unpredictable. I can't put a timer to say when the baby isn't going to be hungry anymore or have colic anymore or wtv.

Is best to be honest with them and flexible. Find little pockets of time to devote to the older children. Kids can enjoy quality over quantity

I have recently had baby no.2 and my DD is 2 years 5months and also a very good talker. Tbh I was worried about it but it's actually gone a lot better than I thought!
DD is also a mummy's girl and only let me put her to bed/go to her if she woke in the night etc and refused DH. She had also never stayed away without one of us putting her to bed.

I had a CS so couldn't physically lift her afterwards but she has been a star! I showed her my scar/bandage and she understood that mummy has a poorly tummy and just accepted it and let DH do all the lifting. She was fine staying at my parents when I was in hospital too. I should have had more faith in her tbh!

I also prepared a little basket of new bits and bobs for when I was feeding baby but haven't needed to use it yet.

We did read books very often to prepare her: Princess Polly I'm a new big sister and We're having a baby which was good.

Get a present from the baby for DD. Make it something you know DD will love :)

@duvetdayforeveryone

Get a present from the baby for DD. Make it something you know DD will love :)

Yes. We got some Paw Patrol and Peppa Pig 🤷🏻‍♀️ they have gone off Paw patrol but the Pig family is still a very loved toy

@muckandnettles oh god! That must have been awkward! DD knows that there’s a baby in my belly but she doesn’t really have a sense of what that means. So we’ve told her but she won’t understand that at all until we walk through the door with a baby and suddenly she has to share her mummy!

@ooosnedh thanks for the book recommendations I will look at both of them. I also like the idea of a basket of busy bits and pieces for if I’m feeding. What kind of stuff did you put in it?

@duvetdayforeveryone yes ahh I need to get a present for her. It’s got to be something really good! A lot of pressure haha

@Bancha yes it was really awkward because we were in the middle of selling the car and dd was looking so confused and a bit upset, the man was mortified because he realised what he'd done (his dw smacked him on the arm!) so we were calming down several people at once. It all turned out okay and we told dd a bit more then and she was happy enough and loved her brother when he arrived.

@Bancha
I just got some bits she hadn't had before like a little pack of kinetic sand, some water beads (already real size so no water needed!) New stickers, paint sticks, book she hadn't read for a while etc. Stuff she can do without too much input from me.
Also another tip is when your eldest first meets baby, have them meet in a neutral space i.e. have baby in the Moses basket/on play mat etc and you go to your DC and make a fuss of them then go over to meet baby together so you're not holding baby in your arms.