Helping 4.5yo adjust

[GoBrookeYourself]

I have a nearly 5yo DS (5 in May) and a 4 month old DS. DS1 is the sweetest little thing but needs a lot of attention, doesn’t like playing alone etc. DS2 is (obviously) still very new and only naps on me or DH and cries a lot when awake. At the moment we’re tag teaming it, so either me or DH with DS1 and the other with DS2 but DS1 has said a few times now that he misses us, feels left out etc and it’s killing me. He said to me yesterday ‘I wish we didn’t have DS1 and it was just me. No, actually I’m glad we did. Mummy I can’t decide.’ And it broke my heart. We’re trying so hard to keep things as normal as possible for him, so one of us will take him to the cinema, play with him etc whilst the other sorts DS2 out but it doesn’t feel like we’re doing it right.

Is it normal for DS1 to feel this way? He plays with DS1 so nicely and looks after him (will sit with him when he’s drawing and things like that) and I want them to be close when they’re older but I don’t want DS1 to ever ever ever feel pushed out. Will it get better? Is it because the novelty of DS2 has worn off for him? What can we do to help?

Sorry for the ramblings, it’s upset me a little today. It’s half term here and he’s gone to my in laws house which he loves but it’s felt recently like he prefers it there to here because it’s only him there and I just want him to be happy.

Do you do much as a family or as a three (you and the kids)? I think tag teaming is great when you've got a very new baby and you need to recover but they do need to get used to each other and the new family situation.

I've got a 4yo and a 1yo and we're very much a gang of three on my non work days - we might tag team a bit more at the weekend (mostly so DS1 can go on his bike) but we mostly hang out as a family. We try to make time for both children separately and together but it's a real juggle some days.

Thank you for replying. We do things together but DS2 only sleeps in our arms, not in a car, pram or anything. So like last weekend we went for lunch and all went together but then came home earlier than we usually would because DS2 was getting cranky. Then we stayed home for the rest of the day and the next day I took DS1 to see sing 2 and DH stayed home with DS2.

You sound like you have a lovely family dynamic and one I wanted ours to be like. How do you cope with naps? Like at Christmas we’d arranged to see Santa at various places like Knowsley safari etc and usually we’d all go but I’d had my c section, DS2 was so little and so DS1 just went with DH. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong!

Oh and as a three it’s something I find really hard. Once DS1 comes back from school, DS2 gets in the sling whilst I bath/feed DS1 and then DH finishes work at about 5.30 and takes baby to bath him whilst I put DS1 to bed and then I come down, DH and I have dinner with DS2 sleeping on one of us then bed.

I can assure you what your son said is quite normal. I've heard many mothers tell the same tale, "Do we have to have the baby any more, Mummy?", "I don't like it any more with him/her", etc.

It takes time for them to adjust but - your son will get there and the two boys will be firm friends in time.

My husband has to work alot after our second was born so I was kind of thrown in at the deep end with two. I found literally doing whatever I normally did with the elder one while having the little one tucked under my armpit was how we got into the rhythm of being us 3. It's hard and I was knackered but I just made sure we did stuff for him and just took our new baby with us. I know it's hard but I'd say crack on with the 2 of them and it will fall into place. Your big boy will adjust, and he will love his little brother.

@GoBrookeYourself
The not sleeping sounds really hard. I think it's just trying to make the most of your awake time and obviously that will stretch out as baby gets older.

I worked on the idea that I could get decent naps in on my three solo days with DC2, plus at weekends when DH was there but the couple of days with two of them were just a bit of a free for all and he'd just have to get on with it.

Thank you @Bromse I had PND after DS1 and it took us a while to decide we wanted a second so I’m constantly worrying that the age gap is ‘too big’ and they won’t end up being friends and we’ve ruined DS1s life. So to know other kids have said the same thing is reassuring.

Thank you @HappyMeal564 I think you’re right I just need to take them both places. Luckily DS1 is in reception so it’s just weekends when DH is with us anyway but it’s just a nightmare when Ads2 doesn’t get enough sleep because one of us has to settle him when he’s being grumpy from lack of sleep anyway lol.

Thank you @Sausagesausagesausage I completely agree that things will (hopefully) be easier once the awake time is a bit longer. We’ve booked a holiday in June abroad for the 4 of us so we can’t exactly be defined by DS2s naps at that point anyway so I just need to get on with things. I don’t know how people with more than 2 kids manage! Like I don’t know if DS2 is just extra difficult, he cries a LOT but short of letting him cry, I just can’t juggle them together. Even in an evening on a weekday when I sling DS2 and sort DS1 out, it’s just me standing and mugging DS2 whilst shushing him and sorting out DS1, I can’t fully give him all my attention and he only cat naps in the sling.

It can only get easier I suppose (right???).

GoBrookeYourself, the gap between your children is not too large. I know many who have a similar gap or even bigger and, in time, the little one adores and looks up to the older and the older takes responsibility for and is protective towards the younger. It's really nice to see the dynamics of the relationship.

Having a decent gap also means that number one has more individual attention and nurturing for longer which stands them in good stead.

Don't worry about such things, as long as both children are loved and cared for, and know it, all will work out. A bit of jealousy is normal.

Tell your little one that it's ok to feel like ... (For example) annoyed by the new baby. I used to say, they're annoying when they cry aren't they? But also say, but we do think he's cute when he smiles, or dribbles. Lots of validation of the older ones feelings is great. Valid all feelings, I think. It's ok to feel this and that and how do you feel? Just little comments from you can help your older one to understand different feelings and that we can all feel different things at once and no one will be upset if he's annoyed with the baby today.

Have you tried a sling for DS2 ? Sorry if someone's asked I didn't read the whole thread
Would be perfect for naps and you've still got hands free to do things with DS1

@Bromse, thank you. That’s one of the reasons we had the age gap we did, we wanted to try and give DS1 as much attention solely on him as we could but now we’re worrying they’ll have nothing in common as they get older. I suppose no age gap comes without it’s difficulties. Thank you for the reassurance, I appreciate it.

@DownUdderer, that’s a great idea. We’ve been trying to get DS1 to tell us if he’s ever feeling left out or anything so we can rectify it and I never want him to feel like baby is annoying (which he is sometimes!) and he can’t talk to us about it. He’s such a sensitive little thing though, he asked me a few weeks ago if we could give baby back and I asked why and he said he wanted more time to play with me. As soon as he said it his little face looked distraught and he wailed ‘I’m sorry mummy please don’t give DS2 away!’. It was adorable. I’ve been hyper aware of his feelings since then.

@milkieway we have, thank you. They’re great but I’m not entirely sure I’m wearing it right and we don’t have any sling libraries or anything near me. It helps massively but a) DS2 will only cat nap in it and b) I have to hold his head with one hand when he’s in it or I feel like he still isn’t supported properly which is what makes me think I’m not wearing it quite right. No amount of YouTube tutorials seem to help though; we have an ergobaby from DS1 but it’s too warm for indoor or it’d be a lot more supportive for him. The indoor one we have is the one you sort of wrap round yourself and tie.

I'd recommend an online consultation
These are brilliant soo helpful they can check the position of your stretchy sling / give advice about other possibilities
We used a mamaruga zen sling which is abit more structured than a stretchy but really supportive and suited us really well

www.sheffieldslingsurgery.co.uk/consults/