Lazy avoidant mum, not going to cope with two

[anxi0usmum]

To be honest I worry sometimes that I'm not coping with one. I know that if I carry on like I am that no, I won't cope with two, so it's in my hands but I'm worried I won't change and good enough.

I don't know if there's a mental health issue leading to my behaviour or if I'm really just lazy and very avoidant of life. My house is constantly a total state, I'm not taking care of myself enough, from keeping my house cleans to basic self care like showering daily and changing my sheets often enough. I feel like a gross lazy slob really. I'll play with my child here and there but largely shove kids tv on and spend the whole day on my phone. I don't even enjoy it just mindless scrolling. It makes me so sad sometimes that I'm missing out on so much just not being present enough.

I'm quite pregnant now and to be honest I've sort of ignored it until now, feigned excitement but have been very anxious. I know I'm not going to cope as I have been, and I know my child and this baby deserve more. Dh is juggling full time work, trying to keep the house clean, bathe and put child to bed, cooking dinners etc. I am trying to work on it, but just feel so tired and lethargic I just end up on my arse again before I even know it.

I wish I could blame pregnancy for everything. It has gotten worse but to be honest I have been getting worse for a while before too. I want to be a fun present mum and can't seem to do it. Has anyone ever felt like they've just lost all their omph and somehow got it back.. I want to cope..

Firstly, have you always been like this, could you be depressed?
Secondly, what’s your financial situation like? - could you pay for cleaning or nursery?

You sound depressed, not lazy.

Mindless scrolling and struggling to manage basic self care such as showering are big signs of depression (and anxiety tbh).

Take a look at the Mind website and see how much of it chimes, but if I were you I'd make an appointment (if you can) to see your gp and have a chat about how you feel (or don't feel - numbness is also indicative).

It can take a little time to work out what support you think might help you best so if you're unsure let yourself be guided by the gp. Also, be open with your partner. You need to be a team when one is struggling, partly so that they can support you but also to recognise that it can have an impact on them.

It's probably also worth having full bloods done to check for deficiencies or any underlying conditions (eg thyroid) as these can impact your mood and energy. While they're checking the standard iron etc ask them to check your vit d as well.

Then I'd review how you're running your home and try and implement a few changes to make it easier by doing the bare minimum. Eg if you're struggling to file paperwork, just put it all in a box so that it's all in one place and not scattered about. Proper filing could take place at a later point. Just one example but you can apply the principle to all sorts of household chores.

Please don't beat yourself up, it's hard work when you're firing on all cylinders, let alone when you're struggling. You're not a bad mum or wife and you're not failing

Having a toddler can be very draining. And cleaning and chores are so boring and life is exhausting sometimes! But you seem to want to change and good for you because you and your child would probably feel happier and more energised if you change things up a bit.

What are your social contacts like? Do you enjoy seeing people? Tbh I only clean the house / wash my hair when seeing people, otherwise I CBA. But I see people a lot so generally me and the house are presentable without thinking about it much. (House is never spick and span, mind)

Also, being around another pair of hands can be so helpful when you have two little ones.

Can you aim to get out once a day for a minimum period? Whether to a soft play area/park/playgroup/friend's house? Just that one outing every day can be overwhelming but if you can do it, you will probably feel energised and it will get easier. And your child will be better for it. You need to plan it and organise everything the day before.

Going back to work is also an option?

It might be worth speaking to your GP too, there could be an underlying physical or mental health issue that can be tackled.

You can do it but needs to be small achievable baby steps otherwise it will probably feel too hard and you give up and feel like you've failed.

@Susu49 great advice

Put the phone away. It's addictive.
Or if that's too daunting, only allow it at specified times for specific tasks. If you really need mindless scrolling time, then give yourself short bursts, eg 5mins.
But really it's best put away.
It's like children not being allowed too much screen time, it's relevant for grown-ups too.
Late pregnancy is really exhausting, though and you are not doing nothing, you are growing a baby. You do need rest, but also break down the day into tasks. Eg 10 mins hoovering, then tea and rest. 15 mins tidying, then rest. 10 mins playing with DC ( not screen).
Focus on what's fair to DH and your child too, if doing it for yourself doesn't work.

And what Whybirdwhy said - try to get out at least once a day.

Sounds alot like depression, I suffer very simaliar to you sertraline has changed my life completely. Also before I was on them and struggling definitely try and get out once a day it breaks the day up, and gives a small boost. Take one day at a time. Maybe tonight get a bath or shower so your nice and fresh in the morning then when your up before you do anything literally anything get you and toddler dressed. Then start your day as you normally would.

I'm not saying it's not depression but I don't think many people have an "omph" so that might be an unrealistic idea.

I don't have depression but I recognise your feelings, I could easily spend all day scrolling and ignoring my kids. I don't like playing with them. It's boring for adults, most people feel the same. All you can do is force yourself to do it and accept that you don't want to and it will be a bit boring. What I do is organise our day so we don't just sit around at home, between park, bike rides, soft play, different activities and visiting friends, plus shopping and errands, we are out every day.

I think you are being a bit unfair on your partner, you owe it to them to try to contribute more.

If this is a new thing since you had your first child then I really would consider and rule out medical causes.

I felt very similar for about 3 years in the fog of small children and sleep deprivation. I suspect there was definitely some postnatal depression in there too. Then gradually it all just lifted. I'm naturally messy and have to work hard to keep it at bay notmally but it just felt impossible on top of sleep deprivation and the full time care of two small needy people.

So that's my story, but I would also like to mention that pregnancy is often also a trigger for a number of autoimmune conditions like coeliac disease, fibromyalgia and MS. Many autoimmune symptoms include fatigue, foggy brain etc.

Also might be worth asking about your iron levels as your next midwife appointment. They might not be low enough to have triggered their systems for prescribing iron tablets but if they are on the low side still you might find increasing your iron intake beneficial. My iron levels were always on the low side after pregnancy and I think that probably contributed to how low I was feeling.

@LimeSegment

I'm not saying it's not depression but I don't think many people have an "omph" so that might be an unrealistic idea.

I don't have depression but I recognise your feelings, I could easily spend all day scrolling and ignoring my kids. I don't like playing with them. It's boring for adults, most people feel the same. All you can do is force yourself to do it and accept that you don't want to and it will be a bit boring. What I do is organise our day so we don't just sit around at home, between park, bike rides, soft play, different activities and visiting friends, plus shopping and errands, we are out every day.

I think you are being a bit unfair on your partner, you owe it to them to try to contribute more.

I was going to say something similar tbh...could it be that you just don't really enjoy this stage of having young kids? It is bloody hard work.

Thinking of you.

This is me when I'm not coping as well as I can ideally.

Great advice given already and hopefully you don't get any nasty vipers coming to prey.

I know you may not feel like it but it really is such a positive step asking for advice here.