I feel so alone

[wolf2021cxx]

First time mum, DS is 8 weeks old. He’s perfect in every way and I love him more than anything - I don’t have PND

But lately I’ve just began to feel to alone? He won’t be put down in the day so I pretty much spend all day holding him so he can get at least a few naps in otherwise he gets over tired and screams for hours.

This is quite exhausting as I’m just holding and soothing him all day, I don’t get to eat. My showers are a minute or two long as I have to quickly wash down before he cries for me. I can’t get a bath. Even now, he used to sleep well and alone in the night and last night he had me pick him up and cuddle him for hours he wouldn’t go in his bedside cot.

I’ve cried already today and I just feel so down. I can’t imagine a point where I’ll ever get to sit and eat a meal or do any housework. I adore him but does this phase end? I can’t do anything in my day

He gets quite fussy sometimes so I’m avoiding going out I don’t really leave the house apart from a short walk a day I do to get him outside in fresh air.

I want to stay with my mum for a few days I really need a break I feel so guilty saying that I just want to be able to have a bath. But I’m scared this will cause problems in my relationship as it seems odd that id move out of our home for a few days

I don’t really know if I’m asking anything here or just venting. I feel so upset this morning

Aw it sounds like you are doing so well responding to a demanding phase. This is such a big adjustment with your first and 2/3 months is a hard time as the exhaustion is really setting in. This will certainly get better as you get used to a new way of life and regain independence as your baby gets older. It is so hard this time of year but I think that staying in with a fussy baby is not going to make you feel better. Can you get out to somewhere you wont feel anxious about baby crying - a baby group? The park? Are there any new parent groups in the area?
Also this is not something you should expect yourself to do on your own all the time. Take any offers of help from friends - you will be able to repay them another time - and if anyone offers general help don’t be afraid to ask for what you specifically need - can you come round and hold the baby for an hour. You should 100% be able to have a bath - can you start by saying to your partner I need 8-8:30pm tonight to have a bath (run it beforehand). Or I need to go and have a coffee by myself tomorrow morning (assuming they don't work weekends). This is a very small request. If they cannot accommodate that it is not at all unreasonable to stay with your mum. You need looking after too.

Hello, it is not easy this baby business. I have 2 little ones 1,5 years apart. The first one was just like yours, would not be put down.

A few tips to improve your day - bouncer (just mechanical one) helped me, I put him in it in the bathroom and he could see me and I could have a normal shower.

A cot - baby is safe in the cot and 10 minutes of crying have never done anyone any harm. It is easier said than done BUT if it came to me say doing something in the kitchen and he was not containable/happy on the floor, in the cot he went. Same for showers, same for some basic work around the house. Needs must.

Lastly you are a great mum. Not sure about you feeling alone, I know I felt the same for 6 months until I just said enough, and decided my DH is perfectly capable of doing this baby thing as well and I went for walks (alone!) and swims and generally outside by myself to get a break. That changed things. Is there a dad in the picture? If so can he not help with the baby rather than you moving to your mum for a bit?

You have a relationship (to be scared about causing problems in), but don't mention anything about your DP caring for the baby?

I think that could be the source of your problems.

But yes, this stage is terribly difficult and yes, it does pass, as sleeps get a bit easier and more predictable.

You are quick to say you don't have PND but it manifests in different ways. It might be worth speaking to your HV
Is there anybody that can help so you can have a few hours break?

I do have my DH. He is great but unfortunately works quite long hours so does the late feed / nappy change but then through the night and day it’s me just due to his work

He’s offered to quit and have some time off but we need income I’d be too worried about no income if he did

I know these are early days and my baby won’t want to be held all the time forever and I should soak up every minute and I do try to. Some days when I haven’t ate or showered and it’s 4pm it just gets to me.

Or like this morning where I’ve had virtually no sleep

Oh love This is definitely just the early weeks phase and it will completely change! As the weeks go on your baby will need fewer naps in the day and won't sleep for as long. Say after a few months it might be two hour-long naps and then a short afternoon one. A bit later just two naps per day. Eventually it will be easier to put him down and for him to sleep in the cot at night for longer stretches. The first few weeks this is just how it is but hang on in there as it's most definitely not forever!

What helped me during this phase was

• have baby nap in a sling while out on a walk
• try to find a way of being organised enough so that you can enjoy being 'nap trapped'. Eg have a quick shower first thing or at night when your partner can hold the baby. Have snacks handy and TV remote/your phone. Find a box set to get addicted to for a few weeks. Then camp out on sofa and watch lots of TV while holding baby!
• Maybe in a few weeks time try a baby sensory class with convenient timing- it really helps to get out and chat with other mums!

All the best OP

If yr DH is great then he'll either find a way to help more (what's happening at weekends, for instance?) and/or be more than happy for you to go and stay with yr mum to get some more help.

Aww OP, it does pass I promise. Remember from your baby's perspective that 8 weeks in this world isn't long and I think around 8 weeks is a time when crying and clingyness peak (from memory) because they become a little bit more aware of what's around them and their world gets that little bit bigger.

Definitely try to get out if you can. Despite the crying and wanting to be cuddled, babies are quite portable at this age. Try some local baby classes - I promise everyone else will be in the same boat or will have just recently come out of it. No one will be bothered or annoyed if your baby is crying or needing you.

From personal experience, making myself do this once a week to begin with did wonders for me and DS in the early days (he's 13 months tomorrow). Now we do classes, swimming and soft play and have made a few friends etc that we do these with, and rarely have days free and they don't feel daunting at all to me now. We both climb the walls a bit if we have a full day at home (like today because of the storm).

I'm terms of moving to your Mum's, if you feel this is what you need, then go for it. As an alternative, does your Mum (or other friends /family available) live close enough that you could set a regular day to meet up. Then you know you have this day to have a bit of downtime every week?

Hang in there OP, you're doing great and it will get better