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Original poster

DS accused of something he says he did not do - how would you handle it

31 replies

DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 21:58

My 12 year old DS is a good kid. Has always behaved well at school and never been in trouble. He came home from school today absolutely distraught and in floods of tears.

When he calmed down a bit he told me that he had got into trouble and had to attend a detention. He’s totally devastated, shaking and inconsolable and adamant he didn’t do what he is being punished for. I believe him so really don’t know what to do for the best. Looking for some advice from parents and hopefully teachers who might have a better feel for what’s reasonable.

The details are a bit vague because he says he didn’t do what he is accused of. And I want to be sure it’s not going to be outing so have kept high level. But this is what I can make out.

  • 2 groups of kids had a disagreement at break, ending up with each group chucking the others ball out of reach and a bit of pushing and shoving.
  • my son was in one of the groups, wasn’t the person throwing the other group’s ball out of reach and when the shoving started, he took himself off to stand with another group 20+ Metres away because he didn’t want to get involved. This sounds consistent with his personality and past behaviour. He is very risk averse!
  • When it was all over after a minute or so - I think it was just handbags, nothing too serious, the groups went their own ways. The groups were apparently calling each other names and my son admits he joined in with that to support his friends. Which I told him is not ok.
  • head of year pulls my son in today to tell him he has a detention for physically assaulting one of the boys in the other group. It’s unclear when this was supposed to have occurred but my son believes the HoY associated it with the 2 groups’ disagreement.
  • My son is so scared of the HoY that he was totally petrified and doesn’t sound like he felt able to stand up for himself. He was still shaking when he got home he was so scared.
  • Won’t go into too much detail about the nature of the allegation as it’s potentially outing but essentially alleged that my DS poked private areas of the other boy through clothes. Which I take pretty seriously as I am sure the school do too
  • DS says he did not do and has never done what he is accused of.
  • Apparently HoY told my son other people have confirmed they saw this assault happen so they know he did it.

Letter informing me of detention basically says not to ask to discuss the transgression being punished with the person awarding the detention, because school can’t discuss every behaviour incident with every parent and to trust they have investigated fully and acted fairly.

I just feel this is a serious allegation and I would like to hear more about when it happened and the circumstances and how they determined my son did it. He could be lying to me, but I really don’t think he is. isn’t it also possible it’s mistaken identity or that the other group of boys are picking on him and making this up? For me all 3 scenarios need to be considered and I just want to be sure that they have been.

If it was your DS what would you do?

OP posts:
Citygirl2019 · 17/02/2022 22:03

I would request a meeting with the HOU because like you I would consider it a serious allegation.

I would want to know how it had been recorded on his school file.

Had it been a detention for name calling/being involved I would not be getting involved.

Citygirl2019 · 17/02/2022 22:04

*HOY - spelling error

cansu · 17/02/2022 22:05

The svhool is a school not a police investigation unit. I have tried investigating such incidents. The amount of lying is insane. It is impossible to be completely 100 per cent sure of who did what. In the end you have to listen to everyone and make a decision. The alternative is to punish no one and let everything go which is not what anyone wants either. In your position you can say that you accept your ds did join in some of this behaviour although he denies xyz . He does his detention and puts it behind him. It is possible he lied to you. I have had many perfectly lovely kids lie to me over the years. Some because they have never been in trouble and are simply beside themselves. Some because they are scared of their parents.

Citygirl2019 · 17/02/2022 22:06

Just to add if there was evidence my DC had done this, I would then want to consider why and if he needed additional support (someone external to speak with).

DSGR · 17/02/2022 22:15

I would be standing up for my son and asking to meet the HOY and saying my son denies the allegation, which is very serious. And you believe it’s just as likely the other parties are lying. Son may have to do the detention but I’d make my views known

MaizeAmaze · 17/02/2022 22:16

I'm with cansu
Tell them you acept he was involved in some way, but deny the worst bit. Take the dentention, but tell DS you don't believe the serious allegation, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a detection is the unfortunate consequence.

Citygirl2019 · 17/02/2022 22:16

To be honest thinking about it more, it really doesn't ring true.

Two groups of lads winding each other up, name calling etc. Escalated to an allegation of one lad poking another lads private area.

How I'd respond towards the support for my own DC would depend on how this escalated how it was witnessed.

But it really is hard to fathom out how the allegation came about from your description of the event.

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:22

@Citygirl2019

Just to add if there was evidence my DC had done this, I would then want to consider why and if he needed additional support (someone external to speak with).
Exactly how I feel. This is a serious allegation.
OP posts:
Seeline · 17/02/2022 22:22

I'm surprised that if the allegation involved private parts, safeguarding hasn't been involved. I would be looking for a meeting with the HOY.

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:25

@Citygirl2019

To be honest thinking about it more, it really doesn't ring true.

Two groups of lads winding each other up, name calling etc. Escalated to an allegation of one lad poking another lads private area.

How I'd respond towards the support for my own DC would depend on how this escalated how it was witnessed.

But it really is hard to fathom out how the allegation came about from your description of the event.

That’s the missing part. I don’t understand it either. Which is why I’d like to hear from the school.

The detention really isn’t the issue. It’s the allegation of a serious assault that he totally refutes. So I need to hear why school believe it’s credible.

OP posts:
Lougle · 17/02/2022 22:26

If I genuinely believed my child, there is no way on earth that I would agree with a letter that says not to raise it with school. No way. I would want a meeting with a member of staff. I agree that the detention for being part of the situation in any way is acceptable - it's a good lesson not to join in with group aggro. But to be accused of assault, no. That is not something I'd accept on the basis that they had 'investigated fully'.

stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 22:31

I would assume the note about not talking to the teachers about incidents would be for more minor things like homework missing or blazers not being worn consistently, or silliness in school. This scenario would warrant a further discussion with the school so I wouldn't hesitate to speak to them. That said, the amount of lying that comes up when teenagers are asked what happened in an incident mean it could be (for want of a better phrase) total bollocks. Incident forms were most likely filled in so it would be interesting to find out how many witnesses they have.

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:33

@Lougle

If I genuinely believed my child, there is no way on earth that I would agree with a letter that says not to raise it with school. No way. I would want a meeting with a member of staff. I agree that the detention for being part of the situation in any way is acceptable - it's a good lesson not to join in with group aggro. But to be accused of assault, no. That is not something I'd accept on the basis that they had 'investigated fully'.
Thanks. Completely agree with detention for joining in with the name calling - even though he is the only one out of 10 with any kind of punishment for that. He has to take responsibility for the name calling so I am 100% supportive of that.
OP posts:
Hercisback · 17/02/2022 22:34

I'd accept the detention for being a part of the group.

Send a polite email to the HOY explaining what you have said here. See what their response is.

Kids do lie. We have had students outright deny doing things and the parents come in "XX doesn't lie..". Then HOY shows parents the cctv and its a bit embarrassing for the student and the parent.

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:34

@stimpyyouidiot

I would assume the note about not talking to the teachers about incidents would be for more minor things like homework missing or blazers not being worn consistently, or silliness in school. This scenario would warrant a further discussion with the school so I wouldn't hesitate to speak to them. That said, the amount of lying that comes up when teenagers are asked what happened in an incident mean it could be (for want of a better phrase) total bollocks. Incident forms were most likely filled in so it would be interesting to find out how many witnesses they have.
Can I ask about the investigation and reasonably expect a detailed answer?
OP posts:
stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 22:37

They wouldn't give you names, no. But they would say if several students had seen him and would be able to tell you the logistics of it. I would let the detention stand for being part of the crowd as honestly when these things kick off, it's hard to know who did what and it will be the lot of them being put in detention. But I would ask them what this part is about as it doesn't seem to relate to the actual incident. How do you get from standing back and shouting a few names to being so close to someone you can poke their privates? They should be able to tell you how this happened.

Hercisback · 17/02/2022 22:38

They won't give names or say exact details about the investigation. They will be able to say things like '5 kids said he did X'.

stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 22:40

At the school I work at each student involved and witnessed would fill in an incident form. These are often 'I wasn't doing anything honest, it was all x, y and z!!' But may provide some detail to it. There should have been some staff around to witness it as well to be able to pick out the blatantly untrue ones. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:42

@stimpyyouidiot

They wouldn't give you names, no. But they would say if several students had seen him and would be able to tell you the logistics of it. I would let the detention stand for being part of the crowd as honestly when these things kick off, it's hard to know who did what and it will be the lot of them being put in detention. But I would ask them what this part is about as it doesn't seem to relate to the actual incident. How do you get from standing back and shouting a few names to being so close to someone you can poke their privates? They should be able to tell you how this happened.
Thanks. I would just like to understand whether they just asked the accusers mates or asked a good range of people from both parties involved.

The HoY really is quite scary so I will try not to be made to feel like a 12 year old again and get some answers - politely of course. I am under no illusion that my son is perfect but if you are going to make such a serious allegation I think you should be willing to talk it through with a parent, not just a petrified sobbing 12 year old.

OP posts:
stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 22:45

Yeah of course, I'm sure they'd be willing to have a chat as it is quite serious. There's usually a good selection of kids to do these incident statements and honestly the teachers do know which ones would be causing trouble and which ones would actually write down a (slightly) truer account!

Original poster
DinkleyDooDoo · 17/02/2022 22:47

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

OP posts:
SnowdropCrocus · 18/02/2022 12:06

I find it believable your son is telling the truth (and I often don't on threads like this.) It seems strange for a boy who's always been well behaved to suddenly do something like that. It would be good if there was cctv. This is important enough to check it I think. Although the area might not be covered by it

SnowdropCrocus · 18/02/2022 12:20

If none of the others were punished for name calling and he didn't do what he's accused of the detention is definitely unfair. I'd also be concerned about false allegations flying around amongst the kids about him. I'd try and speak to his form tutor who knows him and ask about cctv if your son would be happy with looking at cctv too as he knows it would support his case

LaBellina · 18/02/2022 12:24

That’s a pretty serious allegation to make and I wouldn’t accept my child being accused of this without getting some answers. I would want to know exactly who said it - if you’re being accused by someone and there are witnesses they should make themselves known, at least in this situation, otherwise you can’t sufficiently defend yourself.

Chestofdraws · 18/02/2022 12:30

This is very serious, it is basically sexual assault, I’d also get a meeting. I’d also want to know who were th witnesses.

I’d be prepared for the fact the reason your son is shaking so much is he may actually have done it and that’s what’s terrifying him.

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