AIBU: playdate etiquette

[elkobadelko]

My son, 8, is very sociable. He often has friends over to play. He also often asks if he can go to play at friends' houses. I find myself explaining to him often that he can only play at a friend's if he has been invited, and that its against etiquette for me to ask if he can go.
He finds it really hard to understand? Am i being unreasonable?

I know people who never wait to be invited places - they just knock on doors if they want to see someone. But i was brought up to think that sort of thing should be strictly reciprocal. And i must admit, i get really hacked off by people who send their kid over to play and then don't invite back. Or who come over for a cup of tea loads but never invite me back to theirs. Am i playing by rules that noone else is aware of? I'd be less lonely if i just invited myself places, but it feels really cringe!

I think the same as you and have the same conversation with my kids. I don’t think you can invite your child to other people’s houses, no. I also agree that some people are crap at reciprocating (some have good reason but not all).

Sorry no help but solidarity!

To add, there are plenty on MN who don’t agree with the reciprocation thing. Their view is, invite a child over if your child wants them, don’t do it in the expectation of a reciprocal invite. But that doesn’t work so well when your DC are like mine and much prefer going to other people’s houses than having a friend over…

The good thing about having a quiet street is your kids can knock for friends and play outside together so nobody hosts. This works really well and is the ideal. It’s the formal “play date” that is hard work I find. I agree you can’t invite yourself to this. If you want you can invite the child to yours but no guarantee that the invite will be reciprocated. Many parents just don’t have the time and it’s not fair to expect them to reciprocate.

Does he have any friends who live nearby? Id say he's coming up to an age where it would be fine for him to knock on a friend's door and ask them out to play, once the better weather comes. My DD does that with her friend who lives in our street without any formal arrangements but it will depend on your local circumstances.

Yes I’m the same, having to explain why 6yo can’t just rock up to Johnny’s house to play.

Some people make play dates easy, some make me feel stressed out! Some children make me feel stressed out!

Actually you’re just reminded me, I need to reciprocate a recent invite!!

If friends are local then mine would just go out to play, perhaps get to know parents and take turns I’ve not had formal play dates for years tbh mine are 10 & 11

If it's an "organised" play date then, yes, you wait to be invited. But he's at, or approaching the age, when actually it's quite normal for local children just to knock on other children's doors and they will come in or go out or go to someone else's house. No invitations necessary.

I would always accept a play date with the expectation that it was strings free. If I knew I'd need to reciprocate, I would have had to say no.

This is for loads of reasons - but mainly cause i was so overwhelmed that I couldn't face having to clean, cook and entertain more kids than my own. I know other people will say that its not a bother, but for me it was a huge issue.

Its not like I never reciprocated. And I always felt the pressure to, but I had to take a play date offer at face value and accept it hoping people would be kind if they did 2 in a row or waited ages before an invite from me.

Yes this is what I think sleepyjackson some people are just really busy of have a home set up that means offering play dates isn’t easy. If you offer to have a child round to play it has to be no strings attached.

okay thanks all. It's nice to get the advice about a normal age for playing out without adult supervision. He does have several friends on our street, though unfortunately its not a cul-de-sac and cars race along it fairly often. the only place they could play is the nearby woods, but i feel like he'd need to be more like 10 or 11 to be there without adults.
I think i'll just have to accept i'll be having other people's kids over a lot for a few more years.
I do understand that a lot of other people get overwhelmed about having visitors, or worry that their house isnt nice enough or clean enough. I just wish they weren't so bothered , i'd much rather be invited over to a messy house than be lonely.