The Trouble With Motherhood

[Rhubarb]

I thought I would start this topic as I feel really fed up right now! As some of you will know, dd wasn't planned and I have had a hard time adjusting to motherhood. She is now 2 and it is getting worse than ever. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces and will never regret having her, we share such a strong bond and she is an absolute joy to be with (most of the time!). It's just everything else that comes with motherhood.

The toddler groups, the group outings to farms, generally mixing with other mothers and kids. I always thought toddler groups must be such a nightmare, I never used to have any contact with kids as a rule as I didn't really like them. I didn't know how to react to them or what to say to them and they generally irritated me. Now I find that I am living my worst nightmare and going to toddler groups every week, even having children back at my house! I loathe doing this, I do it because she needs friends and my love for her overrides my own thoughts and feelings on this. But I find that I am becoming very depressed and down about it all.

Me and dh have just come back from a holiday and whilst it was very nice, we realised just how much our lives have had to change. We could no longer go or do what we wanted to, we had to think of her and what she wanted to do. We couldn't go off backpacking to remote villages, we couldn't do anything on the spur of the moment as we had to pack her lunch, change of clothes, sleeping ted, buggy, etc. We couldn't even have an evening out on our own. As a baby she would sleep in the buggy, but not this time! As soon as we sat down for our meal she would want to get up and sit on mummy's knee, eat what mummy was eating and have a play. Many nights we spent in our hotel room staring glumly at the walls.

Then we came back and I took her on a group outing to an animal farm. It was a nightmare! Being with so many other people and their kids was just not me. I'm not a group person and I hated every minute of it! The kids were boisterous and running around (as kids do I guess), the mums were being, well mums, but something just made me want to scream and kick "get me out of here"! I feel that I am losing my identity. I am being forced to adopt a role that I am just not used to. And to be totally honest, I have thought about just walking away, walking and walking to god knows where, just to get away. I know that sounds awful, but I am getting really depressed and I don't know what anyone can do about it or where I can turn. I have told my HV who referred me to HomeStart, but I don't see what they can do. I'm just not cut out to be a mother. Please tell me that I'm not alone in thinking like this.

Just read through this and have to echo the sentiments of others - I work part-time to get a break from my 2 (3 and 1). The kids go to nursery, where they do loads of fun activities - more than I do with them on my days off. I don't have family close by and DH is often away on business, so working is a good solution for me. I really do admire mums who stay at home full-time - I found it exhausting - going to work really is the easy option for me.
I know I'm not alone in this - I know someone who's salary only just covers her childcare costs, but she needs to work part-time to preserve her sanity.

Rhubarb, I don't suppose I can add to all the good and advice and empathy you've had here, just to reiterate that we all have times when we feel useless at parenting...it's quite usual.
You say that neither you or dd is really into mum and toddler groups (although if that bottle of wine had appeared at one of our mums' reunions there would have screams of distress at only one bottle and a nasty punch-up to get at it first...) - but have you explored what's on offer with local childminders? If you found a really ace one it would give your daughter some extra play time with a different adult in a much quieter, less bustling environment than a nursery or playgroup. And you could have some much needed time to yourself. A friend who never liked this cutting and sticking caper did this, and her older childminder became a friend and mentor to her as well as a special person in her ds' life. I really wish you could find someone near you like this because you have posted before on the lack of family support you have. If only Alibubbles could clone herself and send the result to your town...
You can travel with dd when she is older. I am really looking forward to doing Europe by train with ds when he's about six or seven.
Ds has just turned three. Like you, I don't drive, and let me tell you it is BLISS when you can jettison the buggy. I cannot believe how this seemingly simple act has transformed my attitude to days out, just the two of us.
And as lots of others have said, it just gets better and better as they head out from 2.5.
Cyberhugs to you - how many other mums have channelled their experience of unplanned pregnancy and pre-natal depression into a website that helps others in the same position?

LOL at the wine punch-up, Marina! (I always visualise the Monty Python "ladies", in nice hats, re-enacting the Battle of Midway or whatever it was, in the mud.)

On the theme of travelling, have you read the Travellers Tales books? They're sort of a guidebook but more essays on the subject. They do one called Gutsy Mamas which I've not read but sounds entertaining. I've really enjoyed several of their books.

www.travellerstales.com

sorry, just the one l - www.travelerstales.com

Rhubarb, I've just had my first childfree day for 5 months and I can't tell you how much better I feel. I skived work and went to get pampered instead. Feel more human now. Hope you get the chance to try it.

I think what this tread shows is that we are all human, people as well as mums and wifes etc. I agree with most of what has been said, except I think I missed out on life somewhere, everyone else has done so much more.

I had to give up work when we moved last year, and went from working full time ( since ds was 12 weeks old ) to full time stay at home mom. God what that a life changing experience.

Although I hate my life sometimes, I don't think I want to jump back on the work tredmill again. We are lucky that I don't have to, but don't get me wrong there are time when I long to blow money on clothes as I used to, and there are things we do without.

I too am on the committee for our toddler group, 'cause I reckoned being 400 miles away from family I needed some kind of support. and why moan about something unless you are prepared to change it.

At the end of half term (ds only started preschool in Sept) and I will be glad when Tuesday comes and I get my 3 hours to myself. I think his two sessions a week keep me sane. Slightly.

Rhubarb - I spent the first three months of my ds' life terrified of absolutely everything to do with him. I did not dare voice my 'what the hell have I done' feelings for fear that acknowledging them would make me a cold unloving bitch of a mother. And my ds WAS planned and very much wanted!

I say that if we could actually make women understand the feelings that they will go through in only the first year of their child's life (let alone the rest of it!) then there would be a severe slump in the birth rate. That's why hormones were invented! It was God or whoever's way of ensuring reproduction! They knew that women were too smart to do it otherwise!

I thought that having a child of my own would instantly make me an Earth Mother who loved all children. However, I do not have any motherly feelings towards any child except my own, and I don't drool over newborns. I too put off going to a M & T group (see the thread about not having any friends), but finally did it for my ds, as he loves other children. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised, but am certainly not the coffee morning type of person. I totally sympathise with you, as I have been feeling down too lately. I have actually started thinking that my ds doesn't love me, because he hits and smacks me and pulls my hair. Deep down, I know that he does it to test my love and his security in the family dynamics, but it is so easy to slip into feeling negative about things. It is a downward spiral.

My dh and I have also made comments about the great holidays that we used to have, and regret that 'What shall we do tonight?' conversation that we always used to have at the weekends before ds. BUT, I would never let him go. You have said the same thing. No-one is 'cut out to be a mother' - it takes a lot of hard work, like everything worth having. We have all felt like walking away. I had a weekend in London with my sister last month, and I felt guilty for not missing ds more, but I was enjoying myself, and loved the freedom. It does us all good, so take some time for yourself.

Chinchilla - you make a good point about enjoying a weekend away and then feeling 'guilty' about not missing your child - I really agree with this. I absolutely do not miss my DS when he is away from me, albeit only a couple of hours at a time two or three times a week plus about four separate nights away since he was born - yet you hear other people, and comments on Mumsnet, about how much they do miss their children when they are apart. I wonder if I am odd in that I don't? I have a friend who has never ever been apart from her children for more than one night, they are now in their early teens - she says she just can't bear to be apart from them, I think that's really odd.

Yes Lindy, and you appreciate them more when you do see them don't you. When I got back from London, and was waiting to be picked up from the station, I saw dh and ds driving towards me, and the smile on ds's face when he saw me was a picture! I felt re energised (although knackered from a busy weekend) and full of love for my child, but glad to have been me again even if only for two days.

Rhubarb - how are you feeling today? Can you get some time by yourself soon for a few hours, for some retail therapy or a facial or something? (don't know your sort of relaxation preferences!)
Hope you are feeling a bit happier, especially as you seem to be one of a HUGE group of us floundering mums, and not on your own as you were originally worried about!

I seem to be one of those strange people who long for a bit of down-time without them, but fret like mad as soon as they are out of my sight, in case I never see them again. I think I'm slowly getting better though, as I said, last friday off was wonderful and went far too fast.

I wrote and then 'lost' a long rambling reply to your original post, Rhubarb. Suffice to say, you're not alone - it's a huge urban myth that because you have children you're automatically an earth mother and adore all other brats..er..sorry, children!! Imagine the comments I get, having four of them. Everyone thinks I'm bloomin' Maria from the 'Sound of Music' when nothing could be further from the truth.

What I do think helps, or at least helped me, was to have something in my life where I was in control. That might be a job or can be something else, such as voluntary work. Although not a natural joiner I joined NCT and did a variety of things with them and acquired lots of new skills at the same time. I also ran a branch of a discussion group NWR which gave me an outlet that had nothing to do with children. Anyway, HTH and you feel a bit better by now.

Dear Rhubarb and everyone else who has posted on this thread ....

The thing I love about Mumsnet is that whenever I am having a bad time I think about posting so I log on and Hey presto - someone has voiced exactly what I am feeling!

I logged on today after a little absence (DH feeling very left out and jealous) to talk about how crap and penned in I am feeling and now I don't have to!!

We just spent all of a bank holiday weekend at home because we decided to crack potty training once and for all ... Monday night ended in my being in tears ready to pack my bags and run away ... I even went so far as to regret being pregnant now with No2 ...

One of the hardest things for me is that until DS was born I was convinced that I was born to be a mother ... how wrong I was!

All I keep thinking of is that surely it must get better when they are older - but then of course, knowing me, I will be all soppy about the early years and how quickly they passed!

Thinking of all of you and thankyou for making me feel better and not alone!

Ghosty - That's one of the worst things about feeling trapped and miserable right now. You feel you should be relishing every single minute because they will soon grow older and then you'll look back and think, Oh no, I didn't appreciate them properly when they were small!

And they are so lovely right now - but I still get miserable about things because life is just so hard. I wish it was easier to get a really good sense of perspective about things. So life is a bit c**p right now - but it won't last forever (let's hope!)

.... is it's not just for Christmas.

Huge sympathy to Rhubarb and a bit thank you too for being so honest. I remember myself trudging around in a haze of lonely misery at times with ds at around the age of two. I used to get so sick of hearing this little voice asking me to "come play" that I could have screamed. He used adhere himself to my legs and trail around the house after me, so that I felt like I was constantly in danger of falling over. It does pass. He is now a independent three year old who asks me to help and likes to be in the same general vicinity but not actually clinging to me. I put him in nursery when he was 2.25 yrs old and for the first half term he did not enjoy it but I needed a break being pregnant and a weekday single, p-t working parent (dh abroad Mon-Fri)), so I persisted and he grew used to it and came to enjoy it after about 6 weeks.
I often think I am not a natural mother as I'm quite happy to use jars, loathed breastfeeding, enjoyed going back to work and really couldn't give a hoot about other people's children but then I give myself a serious talking to and remind myself that mothers come in differnt styles (and shapes!) and that is a good thing. I adore my ds & dd and do the best I can for them at all times within my own resources: emotional, physical & financial.
I would say concentrate on what you like to do with your dd and enjoy those things and accept that some days will be mind numbingly dull and restrictive but before you know it she'll be asking to stay late after school to do ballet/judo/hockey and will have a life all of her own. As far as holidays are concerned, could you drag a relative along? Go to a resort with some childcare or baby-listening? Go to places where they don't mind children joining adults for dinner? (We went to alot of beach front restaurants for dinner in France this year, our small, wriggly, toddler dug holes in the sand and ran around and we enjoyed our dinner in relative peace.)
Above all don't be hard on yourself, easier said than done I know!

Sorry to go off topic Ghosty, but did one weekend crack the potty training? I'm putting this off because even 1 day chained to the house will drive me crazy (-er).

You know I really do appreciate all the support I am getting here, I'm just so thankful that I have Mumsnet in my life! I did manage to talk to dh about how I felt and my ideas for travelling. He didn't take to the travelling bit too kindly, he said it was unfair to drag dd around the world, that his travelling days were over, he is happily settled and contented right now and too old to take such risks, that it would achieve nothing and so on. Anyway I ended up stopping the car, got out and I walked along this country lane for ages! I felt I could have walked all day, I just left them there in the car and I honestly wouldn't have cared if he didn't come and get me, I wasn't going to stop and go back, I was prepared to stay out all night! But eventually he did come and get me and we managed to talk a bit better once he knew how serious I was! We aim to reach some kind of compromise, but for now we are still talking.....

I'm glad others are finding this thread useful too. I guess in my mind all other mothers are perfect ones compared to me! I will consider the childminder idea someone had, the reason I take her to that particular nursery is that it is attached to the college, but I think they will pay for some of my costs if I have to take her elsewhere. As for relaxation, well drink is the only thing that relaxes me and I've been doing far too much of that lately! I wish I could come to some of the toddler groups mentioned here! Fighting over the wine bottle is not something that would ever happen at ours! I feel guilty and ashamed at being the first (and only) mum to pour myself a large glass at the Christmas do! In fact, when I do talk to the other mothers it seems that they never get out of the house! They never get drunk, or watch videos (apart from the kids ones), never do anything with their partners that doesn't involve kids and I wonder where their lives have gone. In fact the mother whose house I go to from time to time, I have invited out a couple of times but each time I have been given an excuse why she can't go, so either she's another one who cannot bear to enjoy herself without her children, or she just doesn't want to come out with me - or both!!

In fact I wish I could meet you all, I might feel a bit saner then! None of the mothers I have ever spoken to have expressed what you lot have done, they all seem contented and happy living their lives around their children. I do feel different and inadequate, even the clothes I wear mark me out as different. So maybe people feel afraid to approach me? I dunno. Anyway thanks for cheering me up. Dh is home early today, but he'll probably do some DIY leaving me with dd who is being particularly difficult today! Roll on weekend.

Do the DIY yourself Rhubarb! Time for some father/daughter bonding.

Yeah, like others, my feeling after reading this too was - who on earth ARE all these mothers who seem to love M&T groups? I consider them hell in a church hall! There is a particular breed of what I call 'professional mothers' - the ones with people carriers, organised lives, and busy calendars of outings, coffee mornings and after-school classes. They usually have three or more children, they know everyone in the toddler group/playground/supermarket and they terrify me. I belong to the alternative school of bumbling along, hoping for the best and indulging in too much chocolate when the going gets tough. A thought: maybe that's why we're all mumsnetters - we communicate better in this more one-to-one way (contradiction in terms for an open medium like the internet, but you know what I mean - it's the old thing about radio presenters talking to the mike like it's one person) than in a busy church hall full of people with attitude? What do others think?

I'm no good at talking in groups either, but have been lucky enough to find little pockets of friends at M&T groups. TBH, the first time I went to one it was such a relief to be able to relax with a coffe while DS was occupied, and to switch off, that I probably wouldn't have noticed if the other mothers had been a bunch of brain-dead bitchy cows! But they weren't, I was lucky. It's just bliss to get there, sit down, forget about the house and everything and just chill.

Inkpen - agree totally - go to playgroups/activity centres etc because otherwise ds would combust with energy, but am yet to make a "friend" through them. Maybe it's because I tend to go with a friend - although spend most of the time in different corners - but just don't find them overly friendly. Possibly because everyone is too concerned with ensuring own child does not brain another child/fall off climbing frame/eat sand etc etc to chat much.

Rhubarb, I reached a point with the local M&T groups where I thought I would scream if I had to listen to any more boring drivel about potty training, sleep etc. Most of the other mums seemed to have lives that revolved around running playgroup, holding nearly new sales etc - just wasn't me at all. I think that the groups served a purpose for me for a while, when I was a new and unsure mum, but then I grew out of them. I want to climb mountains, travel, and have adventures with my kids, do unusual things, and hopefully my kids will grow up with the view that life is exciting and anything is possible - fingers crossed.