The Trouble With Motherhood

[Rhubarb]

I thought I would start this topic as I feel really fed up right now! As some of you will know, dd wasn't planned and I have had a hard time adjusting to motherhood. She is now 2 and it is getting worse than ever. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces and will never regret having her, we share such a strong bond and she is an absolute joy to be with (most of the time!). It's just everything else that comes with motherhood.

The toddler groups, the group outings to farms, generally mixing with other mothers and kids. I always thought toddler groups must be such a nightmare, I never used to have any contact with kids as a rule as I didn't really like them. I didn't know how to react to them or what to say to them and they generally irritated me. Now I find that I am living my worst nightmare and going to toddler groups every week, even having children back at my house! I loathe doing this, I do it because she needs friends and my love for her overrides my own thoughts and feelings on this. But I find that I am becoming very depressed and down about it all.

Me and dh have just come back from a holiday and whilst it was very nice, we realised just how much our lives have had to change. We could no longer go or do what we wanted to, we had to think of her and what she wanted to do. We couldn't go off backpacking to remote villages, we couldn't do anything on the spur of the moment as we had to pack her lunch, change of clothes, sleeping ted, buggy, etc. We couldn't even have an evening out on our own. As a baby she would sleep in the buggy, but not this time! As soon as we sat down for our meal she would want to get up and sit on mummy's knee, eat what mummy was eating and have a play. Many nights we spent in our hotel room staring glumly at the walls.

Then we came back and I took her on a group outing to an animal farm. It was a nightmare! Being with so many other people and their kids was just not me. I'm not a group person and I hated every minute of it! The kids were boisterous and running around (as kids do I guess), the mums were being, well mums, but something just made me want to scream and kick "get me out of here"! I feel that I am losing my identity. I am being forced to adopt a role that I am just not used to. And to be totally honest, I have thought about just walking away, walking and walking to god knows where, just to get away. I know that sounds awful, but I am getting really depressed and I don't know what anyone can do about it or where I can turn. I have told my HV who referred me to HomeStart, but I don't see what they can do. I'm just not cut out to be a mother. Please tell me that I'm not alone in thinking like this.

If you've got the day to yourself when your child is at nursery, doesn't it just fly by! Yet the days when you have to look after them can often really drag...

Oh God I feel so guilty for having admitted to that. But it's true

I think a lot of the stress these days is that people don't have the extended family network to help out.
Speaking for myself, my FIL is too ill and needs looking after himself, my parents both have had nervous breakdowns over recent years, and couldn't manage more than about half an hour with our three, my brother has a difficult wife so I haven't been in contact with him for years, and my BIL and SIL live an hour away and have their own lives. Not looking for sympathy but the only way we can go out is by using babysitting circle and the effort of tidying house and making the effort to do it hardly ever seems worth it, so you get in a rut, stay it and vegetate!!!
Never mind as the song goes, things can only get better!!!!!!

i found holidays in hotels the worst of all when mine were small. we used to stay in pubs with b&b instead because then at least you could go and sit in the bar in the evening and it was like being free again.
i would contact home start if i were you. i do some voluntary work for them and they are specifically aimed at parents who feel they can't cope or are struggling.
hope you are feeling better soon you obviously aren't a bad mother or you wouldn't be looking for help and advice.

Rhubarb & others - it is so obvious that a lot of us feel the same way yet it is something no one is ever meant to admit to 'that you don't like being a mother'. I agree with all the comments &, like others, I was a reluctant mother at 42, my DH (after agreeing to a childfree marriage 12 years previously), desperate for a child, & me being a little bit soft!

I agree that sitting around drinking coffee with other mums & toddlers is absolutely not my idea of fun; I do go to a Toddler group (in fact I have taken over running it to improve it!) but the rest of the time I make a big effort to do things with people who don't have children, in most cases they are only too happy for me to take my DS along; that way I get to do something I enjoy (mostly on the voluntary work scene) & DS gets lots of attention from other people! For example yesterday we picked up an old lady from an old peoples home - the old dears just loved seeing my DS & it passed a couple of hours very happily and gave me a warm glow!! I know that's not everyones idea of a great afternoon, but it beats yet another farm trip!! I also do lots of walking with DS - fresh air & exercise! My local sports centre has an excellent creche facility (£1.70 for 2 hours!) so I try to use this twice a week & also send my DS to a childminder one morning a week.

Unlike many, I am so looking forward to when DS starts playgroup/nursery - time to myself!!

Good to know that others feel this way too.

Rhubarb

I remember this feeling all too well. My ds is now 4 - and what a difference 2 years make! It will all be over soon, but I know, it sure doesn't feel like it now.

I think all the messages that come before me pretty well sum up my thoughts on your situation. I started putting ds into nursery at 10 months as I felt I couldn't cope any more and needed "ME" time. I was a great feeling to be on my own for a few hours.

I also echo your feelings about other peoples children. Arn't they just awful! Not badly behaved necessarily, but just so stressing (is there a word?!) I still have to stay at some birthday parties with ds, and I come home shattered and really quite shaky from it all - and I'm not hosting them!!
Takes me a couple of hours to calm down.

So, so glad it's not just me...

Wow, well thanks all for your messages. It's not often I get emotional, but I am right now. I don't know what to say, it is hard, I love her to bits but I just want to run away. I do take her to nursery every week whilst I'm at college but she hates it, just this week she told me that she didn't like nursery and didn't want to go. She's a solitary child and likes to be on her own with me more than anything. I just feel that I never got to do the things I wanted to do. Like Janus, I wanted to go backpacking a lot more, I wanted to see Bali and Australia and Africa, working in bars and clubs to pay the rent before moving on again. Who does that with kids in tow these days? I'm at college to be a teacher for special needs, but to be totally honest it is not my life's dream, it's just a job I thought would fit in with her school hours when she starts. I mean I never even wanted the responsibility of a mortgate!

My dh is supportive, but as most men are, he doesn't like hearing of a problem unless he can fix it, if I had a broken leg he'd be great, but with emotions, he doesn't know what to do. The feeling of wanting to escape is so overwhelming sometimes I find myself mentally planning it all in my head. Mothers I talk to never ask me what I used to be or used to do, it's as if that part of you no longer matters. But it does to me as the past was who I used to be, the way I see it the future doesn't hold out much hope.

I probably should stop going to mums and tots if I don't like it, but I feel so apathetic that if I didn't take her there I wouldn't take her anywhere, the outing wouldn't be replaced. She may well end up being an only child and I don't want her to miss out on other children's company. I was a very lonely child, never mixed with other kids until I went to school and then I was so shy and quiet I was bullied and teased mercilessly. I want dd to learn a bit more social interaction so she never gets like that. I am easily depressed and her father once had a complete nervous and mental breakdown, he is also prone to bouts of depression, so you see she doesn't have a great start already as far as nature is concerned. I'm trying to override it with nuture! But you are right about the age, she is so demanding and clingy, she wants me all the time, she never plays by herself and I just don't know how to play with her. Yes I can cook with her and make cakes, but actually sitting on the floor playing games, that I cannot do. But then she mithers me so much to play with her. Even if I put on Teletubbies, if I went into the other room for a cup of tea she would follow me, she is not happy unless I am with her physically all the time.

It's just tearing me up. I need a focus, something to aim for and it isn't there. You've all been really good and your messages have helped. I may need a break so I'll see what I can do.

Hang in there Girly. x

Rhubarb, I haven't time to write much, but Azzie's message sums up my feelings too. IME 2 and 3 are so diffucult and demanding ages, but then things get so much better. Children - yours and others - are such great company later on. From 5 onwards - 4 if you're lucky you begin to see the change.

With a space of over 5 years between children, I will have had a baby or todder/preschooler for 10 years. I daren't dwell on this too much. I watch my friends who have older children with some envy. And they look on me with pity!

Agree about getting some respite - don't feel guilty about it.

Rhubarb would it help to take your DD to something more structured than a M&T group - some sort of class? eg a reading or exercise class. This might avoid the manic side of M&Ts which it sounds like you don't like. Or swimming? Otherwise its a case of getting yourself a break as has been mentioned.

Rhubarb, some great advice here. I sooooooo agree about 2 being a pain in the a* kind of age. They WANT you so much don't they? And they can be unrelentingly selfish! I had a hard time with this age and was so grateful if anyone ever took ds off my hands for a while.

I also know what you mean about mother and toddler groups. I was lucky and made some good friends but some of the other women there - aaaggghhhh, NO I do NOT want to talk to you about f (insert tedious subject here). Just because you're all mothers doesn't mean you are guaranteed to get along. I'm not deperately keen on other people's children, mostly, either. I have some friends whose kids I really do like - they tend to be the spirited ones - but I'm not massively a kids sort of person. Love my ds though, obviously, just in case anyone was wondering I know that feeling of sitting there thinking "What the hell did I do to deserve this? This wasn't how my life was supposed to turn out." (surrounded by screaming kids in a tatty house, with mountains of washing, cooking and cleaning to look forward to. Was supposed to be internationally famous lady who lunches by now).

Here's a thought: Could you plan, for a year or so time, a big exciting world sort of six month trip, all 3 of you? I remember reading a piece about a woman who was single, with a 2 yo, who did exactly that and took her ds off to live on an exotic island for a year (she made a small living from writing and selling travel pieces). I know it wouldn't be a holiday in the way that holidays before children are but you would have your dh and dd with you and you could see and do some amazing things. It would also be really making the most of the time before school and before your dd has to be anywhere. If you really want to travel and dh agrees, could you look into it? You could each do bits of work along the way (grape picking, those kind of student backpacker jobs?) It would certainly be exciting and would develop dd's confidence big time. I don't know, maybe this is a pie in the sky suggestion but maybe worth thinking about. OK it would take some planning with a 3 yo but I'm sure it could be done.

Maybe that isn't the answer, maybe the urge to travel is really an urge to run away from it all and what you need most is some time to yourself so you can be yourself. In which case, what about steeling yourself, choosing the most likeable mothers at the group and setting up a babysitting circle? That way you sometimes have 2 kids during the day but other people reciprocate and have your dd sometimes too.

As you can see from all the replies on this thread, you are most certainly not alone. Many of us have felt this way about the sheer drudgery and relentlessness of motherhood and it's normal, completely. And I promise you, as the mother of a 5 yo, it does get better: I would tell you if it didn't. Best of luck.

ps sorry to come across like amateur psychologist in my penultimate para!

Not had time to read other messages so sorry if I am repeating anything that is already said.

Rhubarb ? I would say ease up a bit with the group outings. Young kids under 3 don?t really need other kids a lot, its natural for them to spend time with their mother/parents although that is of course tiring it itself. Why don?t you do more with just the two of you (I assume you stay at home) such as swimming or just trips to the park. I too can?t be bothered with other kids and often pick times when I know that other children won?t be there (like lunch/tea time).

I echo your feelings about your holiday, ours last year was very hard with ds (he was 2 and 2 months) and it seemed like we couldn?t sit down for 5 minutes. However this year was much easier as his attention span has increased. So rather than thinking about how awful things are right now, think about the future and maybe the easier holiday you will have next year.

You don?t need to have kids back to your house - I certainly never don?t! And opt out of anything organised ? your dd won?t suffer ? honest ? I read somewhere that children under 3 can get stressed if they spend a lot of time with their peers because they aren?t ready to socialise at that age. By the time she is a bit older she can mix more with other kids such as a pre-school nursery for example. What about a group where you can leave her? My ds went to one at 2 ½ for 2 hours and this gave me time to do things for myself ? I just used to have a relaxing bath ? simple but effective.

I think we all worry too much about doing the right thing for our children ? our previous generation never had all these mums and toddler groups and constant ?entertainment? and they didn?t suffer. All the best.

WWW - don't suppose you can remember the name of the person you read about who took off with child? Rhubarb is looking for evidence like that! (It's hard to find it by googling because you tend to just get Helpful Hints for Holidays.)

Janh, I don't. All I can remember is that it was a magazine article, must have been about the year 2000 since I wondered about doing it myself (was single mum with 2.5 yo). She was blonde, went somewhere exotic, had a boy IIRC. But it could have been almost any magazine since I'm such an addict I read tons of them a month. Except Woman's weekly and that type. So it could have been Red, Marie Claire, Cosmo (no, don't buy it any more), Eve (but don't think it was around then), New Woman, She, The Sat. Guardian (but seem to think it was a women's mag, not a newspaper). Will try a few searches myself...Or it could have been a Good Housekeeping I read in the doctor's waiting room!

Never mind, WWW! (I thought it was asking a lot!)

Rhubarb, have you seen CAM's and Rozzy's posts on the "unconventional childhood" thread? I think you should start a new thread asking for the kind of information you're after...I bet there are a few people on mumsnet who know a bit about it, either themselves or from someone they know!

OK, if this link works, here's a site telling the story of one family's world trip, OK so the kids are older but... it's here

and there's another one here

Rhubarb - sorry I've not written earlier. I could have written excatly your posts when my daughter was 2. I used to think that only thing that was stopping me walking out was that I would be arrested. HOWEVER, my daughter is 5 1/2 now and it is sooooo much easier. Don't have time to write more but it really does become easier once they start school, I think. Take care.

I know one woman who serialised her one year trip away was featured each week in the Times about 2000, she wrote 'Castaway' many years ago, she had a girl and a boy and sounded like they had an amazing life, catching their food in the sea, etc, oh just remembered, she was on a place called 'Pigeon Island', I think.
Rhubarb, just before I fell pregnant my partner and I took off around the Greek Islands for a month or so. We just got a plane to Athens and got boats from there on. We are talking about Summer 1999. Everything was so cheap, paid about £10 a night for accommodation, very nice too, all with own cooker and fridge. To eat out was cheap, cheap, too. On the boats to whatever island we were going to I saw a lot of people travelling with young children (ie aged between about 2 and 5). Greece was so safe and we spent all day pottering around the beach and we always stayed walking distance from the beach so if you had children it would be easy to go back to the room so they could sleep and sit out on your balcony (nearly everywhere we stayed had one).
In fact, I was only saying to my partner the other day that we must do a similar trip the summer before our oldest starts school. We went to Greece at the very end of May and this is a perfect time to go as it's much cheaper (as school hols haven't started) and much cooler as Greece easily reaches 100 degrees in July/August.
Can you/partner wangle a month or 6 weeks off work before they start school. It's an amazing thing to look forward to and you get so excited reading all the travel books before you go, even saving up all your money is fun as you know where it's going! Go on, have a think about it!

rhubarb, sorry you're feeling so trapped.

I planned both my pregnancies, but even so, the shock of becoming a mother, and staying home full time was immense. I did often feel trapped and it all seemed so relentless, - it got better, then I went and had another, and it all started again.

I am also not a group person. Lats Christmas I braved my 1st toddlers Christmas party. Even though I knew a lot of the people there I just can't circulate and feel easy in group situations, and basically, by the end of the party I felt so miserable, I'm dreading the next one.

I also find other kids very difficult and can't relate to them very well - it's torturous really, I know exactly how you feel, although I am getting a bit better at it.

Now things seems so much easier, for lots of reasons.
-Firstly, they're a little bit older - 3.2 & 1.9.
-They play really well together (most of the time, so I don't feel the need to go to mum & toddler groups - I go to one occasionally)
-We now have a baby sitter and go out once a fortnight - doesn't sound much but it's a huge increase!
-The last couple of years we've had 1 set of our parents come for 1 of the 2 weeks of our summer holiday so we've had help during the day and baby sitters at night, so we've had some sort of holiday. Actually, in my previous life this would have been unthinkable, but it works really well, and saves a visit as we live a long way away from them.

• I have started to ask for help from dh more instead of putting up with 100% child care & home care, although still don't do it that much.
• I now have a couple of friends with young kids, so I can go to their house & the kids can play together with little input from us if we don't feel like it, and it also saves going to another toddler group.
• We don't need to take as much stuff with us now that we used to, and it gradually gets less & easier. No more huge, buging rucksac that takes 45 minutes to prepare with military precision.
• Can't think of anything else right now & probably repeated a lot of what other people have said, but I really hope you find some strategies that'll help you - I do know how unending it can feel like sometimes

Hi there. Thanks www for the links, they are useful and I'm going to print some pages off for dh to have a look at. I think I'm mainly on a downward spiral for some reason. Though last night I told dh I was feeling crap and he let me demolish our fireplace! It needed replacing anyway, he just gave me the sledgehammer and I set to it! Unfortunately that lovely antique fireplace we hoped was underneath it wasn't, so now we have a gaping big hole. Still, it was worth it!

dd hasn't seen been with any children since we got back from hols and I know she's getting bored, she needs a playmate. I just needed time off. I feel awful though, I am depriving her of the chance to socialise. She makes up these little games and wants me to join in, but I just can't. I was singing Creep by Radiohead to her today (minus the swearwords!) and it just seemed to sum up exactly how I feel, especially towards dd. Some mothers just seem to have this natural thing going with kids, they always know what to say and how to talk to kids. They'll get paint out and make a mosiac with them or something. Whenever I go to other mums' houses I feel I am being watched to see how I react towards their children, will I say the right complimentary thing? Will I get on the floor and play with them? Usually I just sit there hugging my tea with dd clinging onto my leg - no wonder they think I'm strange! Monkey - I've been invited to a Christmas do, but I'm not going. I've decided not to believe in Santa Claus! Last year someone brought a bottle of wine to the toddler Christmas do at 9.15am, I was the only one laying into it! They seem to have avoided me since then!

I will look at that thread Janh, thanks for your call, will try to get up this weekend and will let you know.

Oh, Rhubarb, I'm crap with other peoples' kids too, especially if they're a bit slug-like & unappealing. I never know what to say to them. I'm okay with ds, although I worry I'm not 'stimulating' enough. However, i am looking forward to the 'painting & play-doh' stage, but that's probably because i did an art degree & work in design, so I'm naturally of that bent.

Feel lots of empathy in other respects, though.

Will the "perfect" mother that Rhubarb thinks is out there who does know all the time how to talk to kids and finds it eay to play with them please stand up and tell all the rest of us how you do it?

Rhubarb you really are not alone in how you feel - it's only taken me 5 months to realise that much as I love dd, I was not made to be a mother. Fortunately I get to escape to work every day.

Rhubarb - your comment about the wine at the toddlers party made me laugh - I took a bottle too last year but noticed that everyone else was keen to join in! Better take a few more this year, agree it's the only way to get through it. I hated the toddler group thing too, until I made the effort to 'organise it' - along my lines, now (although not exactly the highlight of my week!!) it is much better.

Please don't think we are all wonderful creative mums, I am a SAHM not because I love being with my 'little treasure' 24/7 but basically because it beats going out to work every day!! I too am uselss at all the 'playing together stuff' - as for watching TV with your child, & I think you too made this comment, surely there can't be adults who actually sit through the kids' programmes - that's taking things much too far! I thought the idea is to get half an hour peace & quiet.

Hope you are feeling a bit brighter soon, I also had the blues when I got back from our 'holiday' which was such a shock after so many wonderful childfree holidays.

Hi Rhubarb, sorry to hear you're feeling so down at the mo - your postings are always so full of common sense so I know it must be tough for you.

I know the idea of travelling with small child is daunting (I'm planning for moving whole family to Canada in a year or so and it scares me silly) but do try and plan what you could do. To some extent travelling (as opposed to holiday) can be easier - you can rent an appartment for a few weeks rather than be stuck in a single hotel room. Try and find one right next to a bar with job vacancies and you're made!

I think you're in the UK (is that right?) so your dh is entitled to 13 weeks unpaid leave before your dd is 5 - most employers allow up to 4 weeks a year. Of course the unpaid bit is tough but if you can solve that problem (going somewhere really cheap? taking a mortgage holiday? doing a house swap? robbing a bank? ) it does give you time to really run away, albeit with dd.

My other thought, don't know if this really helps, is that if dd is unhappy at nursery, this might not be down to the way she is but down to the nursery? Have you considered experimenting with other childcare arrangements to have a see? I think when they are so clingy, sometimes you really do need to escape, but you need to be confident that they are happy.

this thread is great ..it helped me feel a little better knowing im not the only mother feeling like this.its very hard to go from doing a full time 9-5 job with weekends off to a 24/7 day week.my dp is very helpful but as he works during the week he likes playing football at weekends to 'relax'.which leaves me with dd trying to do the housework and shopping etc on my own.
sometimes i feel like screaming or joining my dd in a tantrum on the floor and other times at my lowest i feel like just opening the front door and running as fast as i can ,of course id never do it but just feeling it makes me feel worse.
im not very sociable like many on here so cant find time for myself by joining a club etc so my way of relaxing is my nightly bath.i spend as much of an hour locked in the bathroom having abath ,etc or if its been a bad day just sitting on the toilet seat with a book and a fag,while my dp looks after dd if shes still up.also im lucky by working a couple of hours aday ,dd's not been weel for the past couple of days and ive been off work looking after her and really realise how much i enjoy those 2 hours a day that im out of the house and not being mummy.