Son being left out - how to handle it

[lotti37]

Hello my son is at sixth form and regularly walks with an old school friend to and from sixth form. He has always struggled with friendships and hard to tell whether he is too sensitive or whether he is not reading the signs with others.

He is on a group chat and some of them have been doing some card sessions /evening and have arranged these on the group chat talking about who they will invite and not inviting my son even though they know he can see he is not invited . They have done this a few times and makes me feel really sad for my son. The last time his friend that he walks to school with said on group chat oh we will have to do the card night again and invite J next time (but not my son). How do you think he should handle it . He says he feels like it feels different in the group . Any advice thank you

Mean set of friends!

I’d encourage him to seek out a completely different set. Maybe he has a certain hobby or interest or band he likes? Maybe there’s another kid a bit like him? They can set up a smaller group of just them. Ask him to keep his eyes open for new people? And remember he’s soon going to leave school so he can meet some much nicer people at university/wherever he goes next. Learning when to ditch morons is a good life skill, even if very old “friends”.

Your poor son!

I know how I'd handle it if it were me, but I suspect teenage boys may want differ in how they'd be happy to respond.
I'd call them out on their rudeness: "It's actually pretty mean of you to makes plan in front of me and make it known I'm not invited. If it's deliberate that I'm not welcome just let me know because it's pretty unfair to treat me like this". And then unfriend if it's clear it was deliberate. But I'm not in 6th form with all of the politics involved.

Does he mind and would he want to go? He could try posting a blunt “cards sound good. I like cards. I’d like to come next time please” to make it obvious he’s interested. If they then continue to leave him out, he sets up his own card night and invites a couple of people (not the ones who leave him out) it’s important to be proactive and demonstrate to him that if he’s feeling left out to change it. I was feeling lonely so I set up a book group on Facebook and regular meetings and it has over 50 members now. He can set up his own things and lead from the front. He doesn’t have to passively accept being looked over

I think sometimes friendships are viewed differently. For your son this boy is his friend, for the friend your son is just a convenient person to walk up with so he doesn't walk on his own. I say this as someone who had a child on the periphery of a friendship group, a core set of friends would all do stuff together but my child and a few others were never included but they all hung out together at both secondary and then sixth form.

If your son is yr12 then he has to work out if he is willing to be constantly sidelined like this or whether he says fuck it and tries to find others within sixth form who are more like him.

Is he taking part in "enrichment" usually a Wednesday afternoon club or activity? I would encourage that to see if he can connect with anyone within that. If he is happy to be on his own reading or listening to music during lunch etc then I would encourage that.

If he is yr13 then he could just suck it up for a few months but it depends how well he would cope with that and the upcoming exams.

Maybe he needs to question whether he still wants to walk up with this person each day. It is a totally shit situation for your son to be in.

Yes I think he needs to try and find a new set of friends. He feels very hurt by it and it affects his confidence . They also organize trips to the twin centre shopping and don’t invite him. My worry is if he doesn’t make new friends then he will be left on his own. Thanks for all your posts . Makes me feel angry and I know the boys mother that he walks to school with . I have known her since birth of our boys but I can’t get involved as nothing to do with me . I know I can’t say anything as that will only make it worse . X

I would say something to the mum. Not too involved of course but a friendly word in her ear