Is it just me? - Teenager Issues

[MommaCinders]

So I'll be honest I'm a little reluctant to post on here because I'm already very emotional with what I've found out in the past 24 hours as well as other things I've got going on between picking a memorial for my youngest son to my own mental health struggles and women can be brutal on here but I need to know that I am not the only one that finds this completely absurd. So long story short, I found out my recently turned 14 year old son has been vaping with 20mg nicotine liquid. Now, there are other factors to this that have added fuel to the fire, eg conversations found on his phone that were not suitable or acceptable for a child of his age, pictures, videos of things a half decent mother does not want to see her child doing and the one that hurt me the most was that he'd been vaping right under my nose. In his room while his little brother was sleeping beneath him, in my dining room while I'm upstairs ill in bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen....there were not many rooms he'd not done it in and taken a video of himself doing it. My partner, has smoked since he was 17 and he switched to a vape but only takes the 10mg liquids, my friend who has smoked since I've known her which is somewhere around 20 years now and even she only uses 3mg liquid. But the thing that has really knocked the wind out of my sails today is how many adults have played it down. The most frustrating comment being "it could've been worse"....is it just me? Because I'm sorry but, that is not a parenting skill, why are we normalising vaping for teenagers just because it's "not as bad" as smoking or smoking weed (although I cannot be certain that, that has not been introduced!!)

Why am I being made to feel like I'm over reacting just by feeling disappointed in my son who should know better than to be inhaling some shit he does not need and should not be breathing in at 13/14 years old!? Or that he should be accepting secondhand vapes from people at school!!! I've had a "friend" say "I disagree, I'd much rather he vape than smoke" I said "I don't think you're understanding, I would rather he do neither....because he's a child!!!!" Not once did I say I'd rather he smoke cigarettes or anything of the like because A. I'm not a moron and B. When did it become one or the other. This person then went on to say that I was overreacting because when they said

"you can’t stop him from making his own choices, he ain’t a baby anymore he’s going to do things you don’t like and maybe worse"
I said

" He might not be a baby but he's still a child and whilst he is still a child I WILL do everything I can to make sure he doesn't make stupid choices like for example smoking secondhand vapes that he has no clue where they've been"

their response

"Sorry don’t agree I’d rather he vape than do smoking or weed think your being a bit over the top"

So somebody please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks the world has completely lost it...I mean...if we're totally fine with our kids vaping at 13/14 years old....because...well...it could be worse...what are we gonna be normalising next?

You should try to support your son but I'm concerend as to why hes vaping, regardless of his age he must have issues going on. Hes not exempt from then just because hes a child

No we are not 'totally fine with kids vaping' - in an ideal world he wouldnt. Meanwhile, back in real life he is, so you can either be horrified/judge/ battle it out or explore why he is. I think its pretty normal, sexual experimentation, drinking etc. They are all testing and exploring. The more you react like this the harder it gets. Play the long game here. Plenty more water to go under this bridge.

Trust me I'm nothing BUT supportive....never has a child been more supported. I've given him a thousand and one chances to open up to me about anything and everything, we've always had an open an honest relationship but at some point that changed and I dont know why but not for lack of trying to find out. I've asked him why and it boils down to all his friends doing it, it being a trend and he likes to do tricks with the smoke but when he was told that the vape he was using had 20mg of nicotine in he had a panic attack. These children are not being educated on this and when there are adults going around acting like it's perfectly fine and normal for them to be vaping and in my sons own words "vapes being too easily accessible to kids his age" I feel like there's a bigger problem here.

I don't think people are normalising it in an attempt to make it seem normal. I just think that they're highlighting that it could be a lot worse.

I am wondering what you found on his phone - you say the worst thing of it all is that he has been vaping under your nose, so I'm wondering whether what was on the phone was just normal teen stuff that no mum really wants to see or something you should actually be concerned about?

You are right to be concerned about the vaping tho - long term impacts given that he is still so young & if he is doing it because other kids are that's a slippery slope should they turn to taking harder drugs or experimenting with other things.

Yeah and of course I realise that but in what situation like this does anyone ever want to hear...well it could be worse...because I feel like that IS the starting point of making something seem normal or fine...look at some of societies bigger issues....how many of them do you think started with an ignorant someone saying "it could've been worse" and all that does is makes a person instantly feel like their feelings about the situation are invalid. Like instantly they're overreacting because it could've been worse. It's just a completely unnecessary statement that offers no value or support to the person needing something of substance.

And not the worst thing of all, just the thing that hurt me the most, personally. Because it's a total lack of respect. And respect is important to me.

@ThisisMax

No we are not 'totally fine with kids vaping' - in an ideal world he wouldnt. Meanwhile, back in real life he is, so you can either be horrified/judge/ battle it out or explore why he is. I think its pretty normal, sexual experimentation, drinking etc. They are all testing and exploring. The more you react like this the harder it gets. Play the long game here. Plenty more water to go under this bridge.

I'm curious as to which aspect of sexual experimentation you think is normal for a 13 yo? And why you think it is normal for children of and about that age to be drinking alcohol? Last summer I had a few drunk 12yo's outside my door wanting my son to come out. He did...but as soon as he realised they were all plastered he came back in and said he didn't want to be associated with that. I was immensely proud of his decision to come back inside when he could've so easily not done. I don't think it was normal behaviour at all for these children to be off their face drunk, rolling around in the street. A sip of champagne at your cousins wedding is one thing but at the end of the day....they've years and years to experience hangovers and alcohol and high and lows of consuming such....kids should be exactly that....nothing more

I’m so very sorry you’re doing it so tough. I hope it makes you feel better to know that nobody I know would minimize this. I suspect it is because most of the people you’re talking to about this are also smokers and this is the kind of shit they tell themselves to justify the damage they know they are still doing to their bodies. You need to show your kid videos of lung tissue tearing apart because it is being burnt by the volatile oils and fragrances in vapes. Doctors don’t actually believe that vaping is better than cigarettes. In growing lungs it is potentially worse. I would book an appointment for your kid with a GP and request some counselling. I suspect your child is acting out because of the loss of their sibling and the very logical changes in the emotional environment. Big hugs!!!

@Justilou1

I’m so very sorry you’re doing it so tough. I hope it makes you feel better to know that nobody I know would minimize this. I suspect it is because most of the people you’re talking to about this are also smokers and this is the kind of shit they tell themselves to justify the damage they know they are still doing to their bodies. You need to show your kid videos of lung tissue tearing apart because it is being burnt by the volatile oils and fragrances in vapes. Doctors don’t actually believe that vaping is better than cigarettes. In growing lungs it is potentially worse. I would book an appointment for your kid with a GP and request some counselling. I suspect your child is acting out because of the loss of their sibling and the very logical changes in the emotional environment. Big hugs!!!

Thank you I really appreciate that. I will take your advice on board, definitely. The sad thing is that 3 out of 4 of the people that played it down were not smokers and never have been....just incredibly ignorant.

That makes it very baffling indeed. Maybe they just don’t want to pile onto your already significant load, or don’t know how to be empathetic.

I see you are concerned and I get that but you know he is vaping, he has explained why. You dont like it and think its a bad decision. At this age they push boundaries, strike out on their own. They start to experiment with sex, smoking whatever. You can either be reactive which ensures they wont come to you with an issue or you can focus on showing concern and reaching a negotiated understanding and keepimg lines of communication open.

Which is what I have done. Thank you for your comment. Just because I may freak out on here or to family and friends doesn't mean I haven't dealt with it with more tact when it comes to my son. But again thank you

You are very welcome. I freak out too with mine but try to do so internally!