Feeling sad with relationship now we're parents..

[electricdreamm]

..DD is now 2, so we're not exactly new parents, but recently I've been feeling a bit glum about my relationship with DH and how we just don't really have the time for each other like we used to.

We had a date day that we both booked off work last Friday, which was nice but we were both suffering with a cold DD brought home from nursery and didn't even fancy going for a drink (which was the plan), so now we're back at work, weekends ahead filled with stuff to keep DD busy and I'm just feeling like there's no break sometimes.

I miss the time DH and I used to have and am feeling increasingly unsure about trying for DC2...
I guess I'd just like to know if everyone else feels like this sometimes and how you make more time for yourself and your relationship? X

I feel like I could have written this OP. My little one is now 2.5 and even though it was part of the plan when we first found out I was pregnant, I cannot face having another one and going through all that again. It really has changed mine and my other halfs relationship. I feel like the pandemic did not help in this respect either and I sometimes look at him and think I don't know you!
One thing that's helped him is getting back into a hobby, so I can tell he is happier but it's not really doing much for our relationship and happiness together.
I guess prioritizing time is the most important thing- but that's so hard with a little one.
I don't really have any advice but I guess I came on to say you are not alone

Thanks @makinganavalon 😊 I'm glad it's not just me, I wonder if the cold weather doesn't help at the moment because it's harder to keep our DDs busy at the weekends and so we're just powering on through all the time.
I constantly question how people have children close together and how they can mentally cope with that, but at the same time I think they're smart for getting the hard stuff out the way more quickly..
You're right it's a case of prioritising time together, as hard as that is. I think sadly it's one of those things that you just have to deal with as a parent of a young child/children and there's not a lot you can do to make it better. But as always I'm sure we'll cope 😊💐

It’s hard to find time sometimes isn’t. These little people are amazing but being a parent can make us feel like we lose parts of ourself and our relationship

Do you have any family who can take your little one for the day or an overnight to give you some time together?

If you don’t, does your little one sleep well from early evening? Could you maybe plan date nights even in the house? Make a nice meal or get a nice meal delivered so you spend less time cooking and more time together? Try and have a date night parenting style Depending on how your partner is, you could take turns to plan a nice evening together when your little one goes to bed whether than be a nice meal and film, some silly board games or quiz, just a good old chat over some wine, anything at all xx

It’s not just you. Ours is 2 and every time we plan to go out either DD or one of us gets ill. I wonder if we’ll ever have the relationship we used to. Time will tell.

Checking in as I feel the same quite often - definitely puts me off trying for another (DS is two). DH has been ill since November with various colds, coughs and finally covid a few weeks ago. I miss my hobbies and have started to prioritise getting back to stuff I enjoy rather than spending quality time with him, because I cannot sit watching rubbish TV every night, I hate it.

@Mummyinlove09

It’s hard to find time sometimes isn’t. These little people are amazing but being a parent can make us feel like we lose parts of ourself and our relationship

Do you have any family who can take your little one for the day or an overnight to give you some time together?

If you don’t, does your little one sleep well from early evening? Could you maybe plan date nights even in the house? Make a nice meal or get a nice meal delivered so you spend less time cooking and more time together? Try and have a date night parenting style Depending on how your partner is, you could take turns to plan a nice evening together when your little one goes to bed whether than be a nice meal and film, some silly board games or quiz, just a good old chat over some wine, anything at all xx

We do exactly this. I have a 2yo and an 11 week old and we're just getting our evenings back, now that the little one settling into a regular bedtime earlier in the night. I cook during nursery mornings so we often have something ready to go, or just make something quick. No more than 20 minutes in the kitchen! Then we sit down and have some nice food and a proper chat. On the weekends we try to make it a little more special, with some wine and a nice dessert or something.

I'd love to go for a proper night out or even weekend away sometime but we have limited support and with a breastfed baby, it won't happen for some time yet. That little bit of quality time each evening is just about tying us over for now.

I think once you have children you often have to work harder because you can no longer rely on the things you did easily pre kids - going to the pub, going out for dinners, hotels, morning sex We know we have to put the effort in so Saturday nights we plan to either watch a movie or we'll have a good chat over a bottle of wine. We do the odd night out/away if we can con someone into having the kids.

I would say don't feel you have to stack your weekends with activities - DS1 was 2 in the pandemic and actually having nothing open was a game changer in how we parented. We often only have "playground" on our weekend list and a much more laid back approach has helped us have more enjoyable weekends.

Two things stand out here - you don't need to do loads of things at a weekend to keep your DC occupied. I had a 2yo at the start of the pandemic and it was a crash course in entertaining a toddler

This is no help to you at all but it will change and evolve. Keep doing the small acts of intimacy: a quick kiss, a pat on the bum etc. Say nice things as often as you have the energy to do so.
This will sound counterintuitive but have another child (if circumstances allow) - they'll play together and your sole focus won't be on entertaining.
I'm out the other end - kids in their twenties. And we have plenty of time for afternoon sex. But honestly? in those early years there wasn't much of that about! We couldn't have nights away because we lived overseas and then in London when the family were in Cornwall. It was a case of embracing what we had.
So make a conscious effort to invest in the little things rather than the grand gestures. Difficult but worth it

I don't have any real advice but you've said a couple of times about having to keep your daughter busy. Just have a think. Does she need to be constantly busy?

My 2 dc are now 9 and 11. Dh and I are in the best shape we've ever been and we really enjoy our kids, so life feels sweet. However, we were totally where you are now at that point, there were times when we barely communicated, made eye contact or touched! There were points where we felt so distant from each other we could hardly think of anything to say when we did get the chance for time together, and if we tried to tease each other like we always used to do it caused upset cos that light hearted touch was just gone. Urgh. Neither of us liked it.
The way we got from there to where we are now was lots of talking really. Both of us talked about it and how we felt and what specifically made us feel that way... That pointed us at what we needed to do. For example I felt detached from him cos we weren't making eye contact much, that made us realise we'd got into a rut of focusing on other things so we made an effort to break the habit and focus on each other for 5 minutes at x time of day that wasn't child focused. The act of properly airing what was happening and how that made us feel, really talking and being heard also meant that the things we couldn't do much about cos they were just part of having young kids (lack of spontaneity for instance) were more bearable cos we both knew it wasn't great but we also knew the other understood and we could share that and it was temporary.
Taking about what we weren't happy about also gave us chance to recognise what was great, how this was the price we were paying for what we had and it was worth it.
Now nearly a decade later we are reaping the rewards, that intense time has faded into a more balanced time. All that communication has made us understand each other more and our teamwork is improved. We are now laughing all the time, and feel closer than ever in all ways.
So, it's crap, it's the party of parenting which is hardest and not much fun, but if you have each others back and talk about it, properly listen and care for each others feelings (has to be mutual) and don't just fester, it will pass.

Sadly changes in relationships are for the course.

After me and DH had our first baby it took a good few years before we felt we could have time for the two of us again because that’s when we felt comfortable sending our to the grandparents for a sleepover. We didn’t particularly do anything on those nights, usually we’d just order a take-out and watch a film, but just being alone together was so rejuvenating for our relationship.

Having a second baby actually made it easier for me and DH to have time together because the kids would be really happy playing with each other so we didn’t need to be “on call” all the time to entertain the eldest child in the same way we had been when he was an only child.

When the youngest was about 2.5 years old me and DH started going on city breaks, just one every 6 months where the boys would stay with our parents. We went away for two nights and it made all the difference because it really felt like how things had been pre-children and it was like re-discovering all the reasons why we loved each other.

The children are now 4 and 7 and we finally feel like our relationship is back to normal so it’s definitely been a long journey.

It was very hard work at times and all we could do was hold on to the fact that the impact on our relationship was going to be temporary and find comfort in the knowledge that one day we’d get our normality back.

Thanks @TopCatsTopHat I found that reassuring and useful.

Thanks so much everyone, you've honestly really cheered me up and made me see some light at the end. Particularly @TopCatsTopHat @DontWantTheRivalry ❤️
I genuinely though I was going to get a bashing on here saying I wasn't grateful and who says I need to have a second DC (maybe that's for the AIBU thread 😊)

But instead it's made me remember what mumsnet is for - thank you all x

So glad we were able to help and you are feeling better. It's tough, but sprinkled with good bits that get you through and ultimately worthwhile... and there is a way through, sometimes you just need signposts.