Advice from parents of 'defiant' DC welcomed!

[namechangerqwerty]

DS age 6, is currently repeating 'it's not fair' while refusing to get dressed. He has had a relaxed morning, watching a film & I've said that to have more screen time, he now needs to get dressed.

His initial reaction to me asking this was a tantrum, then to hide under the sofa cushions. I can't fathom why he wont just do as he is asked! Getting dressed seems to be a particular trigger for him, but it's not the only thing. I offer to lay clothes out & ask what is going on.

Other issues include:
He won't wipe his own bottom
has a very limited diet (but says he's hungry all the time) then refuses to eat what's on offer
Can't cope with losing games
Wants everything on his terms & struggles to accommodate others at home
Is not meeting learning 'targets' at school
Will only wear certain clothing no matter how old & tatty
Won't have his nails or hair cut
Gets very scared/ anxious & suffers with night terrors
Doesn't respond when spoke to & avoids eye contact
Bedtimes are a battle & take a long time & considerable effort.

He has a chronic - serious, health condition & I consider that this contributes to some extent. He takes several meds daily. Is on a waiting list for psychological support.

I really want to get on top of this behaviour while he is little, or I can see it escalating.

He does have friends & his behaviour at school & with others Is generally good. He does know what to do, he chooses not to when with me though. It's exhausting & im worried fur his future.

Advice welcome 🙏

Somebody will come along to suggest autism in a bit - it's what springs to mind. So I'll jump the gun. Sorry if this is opening a can of worms. The idea would be that this behaviour springs from being differently wired and so different strategies are required to address the problems.

Thanks, yes I do wonder about Nd myself, but I doubt he would get any diagnosis because he 'conforms' so well at school, with friends etc...

Have you spoken to the school?

What you've said could point towards autism and not every ND individual struggles with social situations.
Have you tried reward charts? Visual time table so he knows if he gets dressed, next he has his film etc?

Another one saying Autism.

My 8YO DS has just had his assessments and we are awaiting the results. He is very similar to how you have described your DC.

My advice is get dressed first thing before you do anything else. My DS does not transition well between activities he enjoys and necessary tasks that are boring in his eyes. It works better for everyone now we have a routine of boring tasks (washing, dressing and teeth etc) before doing anything else.

Talk to him about his feelings, help him to name them and express them. It was about 5 or 6 that I started this with DS. I would say something like I understand he feels upset about losing, but getting angry isn't the way to win etc. My favourite that I still wheel out now is 'complaining will not change the situation'.

You also need to adjust your own expectations a bit too. He's not going to do what you think he should be doing by now. He's not going to be able to do what other kids his age can do. Accept what he can do and work around what he can't. DS still can't tie his laces (which is a PITA now he is in size 3 shoes that don't come with child friendly velcro anymore). He can't cut with a knife and his writing is still at the level of a younger child.

Have the school mentioned any concerns? It was when my DS was in year 2 that the school expressed concerns about his meltdowns surrounding change. This is what led to his referral.

Lots of red flags for autism and potentially PDA there.

My ds has PDA. Making any kind of demand causes a massive rush of adrenaline that quite literally disables him. He is a VERY social young person.

Visual timetable is a good idea. School have no concerns other than him not being up to scratch with reading etc. He had some friendship issues but seems to have resolved that. His predominant thing has been physical health so rest has been on the back burner.
Now he's crying over not being able to find something completely obscure which is apparently my fault.

PDA is my real concern. I have no idea how we'd manage that. Loge is already challenging enough.

Some useful advice- thank you.

Do I take a firm approach, or stick with soft & gentle? He's fixated on finding something really random & currently crying, shouting, screaming & generally being difficult.

If its autism, then it's a matter of 'can't' do it, not 'won't' do it, but you can be firm and gentle at the same time I think.

In terms of stuff like getting dressed, especially in school holidays where he's already out of routine, I would suggest he gets lots and lots of warning to prep him for it. So maybe take a break from the battle, do something else, then warn him you'll go back to it and try again later.

Bog standard parenting advice probably won't be much help to you as your son has fairly serious extra needs, dealing with multiple health issues, even if neurodiversity doesn't play a part. Good luck

Yes we have a lot to manage 😞.

He's now telling me to stop being kind- but can't tell me how to help instead. Just screaming fir one specific, functional item that he wouldn't ordinarily have any interest in.

Im giving him space, support, love. He's just fixated 🙈.

Giving him a limited choice might help & adapting your manguage.

So instead of you must get dressed before you can have screen time which is a demand say. Would you like to put your green t shirt on or your blue t shirt?

This book may be useful...

Ok cheers, I'll read it.
Do your ND dc change mood very quickly? Ds calmed down & is now happy, got dressed, tidied up the mess he made (on request) & with prompting, was able to apologise. I'm still quite sore for the epic meltdown but he seems fine. Is this typical?

very typical

It was as though he needed to get all that emotion out- in fact it wasn't related to the topic he fixated on.
I think he struggles with living in two homes as his dad & I are divorced & he got home to me this am.
I can't help but wonder if his behaviour & need for control are more to do with his physical health & separated parents, than being ND? I am open minded either way.