NCT again - 2nd time mum

[Hikoridikori]

Hi All,

We are expecting DC2 soon and we also moved area a couple of months ago. We know no-one in the new area and we feel very isolated.

Our DC1 is just 2 years old and back then I had an NCT course but we didn't glue well with the other mums. In any case we are living far now...

So, I took the brave decision to sign up for a new NCT course. Unfortunately there are no refreshers in my area and the only option was the first time mums one.

The course is about to start in a couple of weeks but I am a bit nervous that:

1. I will be the weirdo one that already has a kid
2. I will be having an elective section anyway and much of the items that will be discussed will be irrelevant anyway
3. We will be attending the course in turns with my husband as someone needs to be at home with the DC1. Everyone else will be couples.
4. I don't want the other mums to feel that I have this "I know already everything" approach and isolate me
5. I have other questions like how to introduce a baby to a toddler which are completely irrelevant to the group and I don't know if it's ok to mention them
6. I will get bored with all the PFB talk about temperatures and clothes, buggies, changing nappies etc. but I know I have to be into it during the class so as to feel one of them
7. I can't even be very open and honest about my first traumatic birth experience as everyone/everything is a bit soft/calm in this course, nothing to do with the reality of a birth.

The only reason for us doing the course (again) was to meet new people in the new area and having all babies is of course a bonus. But nothing else really!

Anyone that has been in the same position? How did you handle it? Did your group go well?

I did it second time because we had moved areas. Learnt nothing (and I was having an elcs so learnt even less) but the friendships were worth the ££.

I wouldn't do it, for all the reasons to given here. Instead I'd try to make mum friends that are in a more similar situation to yours.

Some possibilities:
Do you have a children's centre near you? The free stay and play groups at starting to reopen again, they tend to have lots of end time mums.
Do you have a library that does Rhyme Time?
Local churches usually have toddler groups that are free to attend (or very cheap)

Basically, free stuff tends to attract 2nd time mums! These groups are also my not socialble - paid baby groups are full of first time mums and are very baby/activity focussed so you don't bond with people. The stay and play/church toddler groups are much more free range. The church ones particularly are all about building community so you tend to get given a cuppa and encouraged to sit down and chat with the other mums while the children play. Then there are songs/stories/craft.

Are you walking/public transport distance from anything? Getting in a car means you immediately separate, if you are walking you tend t chat on the way and may get invited in for a cuppa.

PS I kept some of the details about my first birth to myself. Dd1 was actually born very poorly and didn’t survive (I told people that bit but not the details).

Two years on we are all still friends and meet regularly.

I didn't bother with DC2 because the classes were rubbish the 1st time and I didn't make any friends.

A local toddler group might be a better option.

As for introducing DC1 to the new baby, try and make sure you aren't holding the baby when DC1 arrives from wherever they've been. Then your arms are free to cuddle them. Get DC1 to choose a toy to bring when they meet for the 1st time. And get dC1 something from the baby too. My DS1 got a pack of cars. Gave DS2 his cuddly monkey, kissed him on the head and then ate my fruit salad that he'd picked for me.

Thank you all for your replies and ideas! That's very helpful.

The only challenge I have with toddler groups, library, church hall etc. is that these classes run on weekdays and I work full time and my DC1 goes to nursery full time...

Probably I will be able to join them during the maternity leave but it will be short lived :(

It's so difficult to make friends!

I have a few work friends currently on maternity leave, one of us is a second time mum and it has been really good having someone in the group who is more experienced, and she has had lots of emotional support from us too, so we all find it very helpful.

The only thing is that NCT is a bit of a gamble in terms of who is in your group and whether they're sociable. If it were me, and I had the money to pay a second time round, living somewhere new with no connections, I would take the gamble and go for it - just go in being very honest that you joined in the hope of meeting other parents locally.

Even though you've done it before, you'll still be going through it all again e.g. sleep deprivation, feeding, baby blues, and it's so good to have others going through the exact same.

Also, have you heard of the app Peanut? Kind of like tinder for mum friends!

Are there other pregnancy classes less focused on first time mothers local to you that would be worth investigating? e.g. where I am there is yoga, pilates, aquanatal and probably more.

I found it useful to meet second time mums when I was pregnant.

Is there a post birth NCT course? That might be better. I did that with my second.

@Namechangegardens

Also, have you heard of the app Peanut? Kind of like tinder for mum friends!

FTM, didn't do NCT (wish I had tbh) but I agree peanut has been great! I live rurally so imagine it would be better in a city, but I've made two good friends on there already

I would take the gamble OP, given your new area & feeling isolated. So long as it’s affordable too you.

One of my best friends on the NCT course already a child. Admittedly older, her daughter was 5 & this was a different partner. But it didn’t matter to any of us at all. In fact, we looked to her for words of wisdom. I was lucky with NCT, 4 of them have become some of my closest friends. I really missed having friends to natter to at 3am with DD2!

I think go in & be honest, friendly & open. Explain you’ve moved area, explain you’d like a refresher on all things baby (even if you don’t)! My friend would offer suggestions such as telling us how her & her then husband juggled the night feeds so they both got some sleep, she would tell us some suggestions for colic, sterilising bottles, the breastfeeding support she accessed that still existed.. that kinda thing. You have excellent advice to share. Just offer it as suggestions such as ‘I found vests really helpful in winter for layering’ rather than ‘you should always put your baby in a vest in winter’. Similarly, ‘I chose to breastfeed and I would be happy to offer some advice if anyone needed it. Fed is best so don’t worry too much about it’ .. rather than ‘breastfeeding is best, you should do x,y,z to make sure you keep going’ ..

Why wouldn’t you be honest about your birth? And why would you worry about having a section? I feel like I went to a very different NCT class to those on mumsnet.. ours was a really open & honest conversation about everything. My friend shared her birth experience that ended in a section and we spent quite a while chatting about how to make sections a positive experience should you end up needing one. Music, skin to skin, support you should expect afterwards etc. I can see why you might not want to terrify first time mums with a bad labour. Keep it simple. ‘My first didn’t go as planned, it was really quite difficult & I’d rather not scare you but the midwives were brilliant & my baby is now a happy, healthy toddler. Most births are not like mine! Just be prepared to go with flow’. I think it’s important to realise it’s not all sunshine & rainbows. Birth is hard & can be dangerous. It can go wrong. You need to be prepared for all things. I think woman should go into it with a positive but realistic mindset!

As for your questions about other kids and the baby, I bet the person running your course has kids. Ask her!

Thank you all, amazing advice!

I did NCT first time around and didn't think it was worth it at all so I wouldn't have even considered it second time. The social aspect would be the only worthwhile part and it's a total gamble. Our group didn't gel at all. We did have one second timer in our group which wouldn't have been a problem at all but she was one of those who thought she knew it all so definitely go with the open and friendly attitude others have suggested. I'm not saying you will but don't be her! Be honest about being new to the area etc. As for your first birth, I think the above poster sums it up well. You can be honest without scaremongering. If others want the details and you're happy to share then fine. NCT only focused on straightforward natural birth in my experience which was a big part of why I didn't like it. Realistic expectations are so important.

Have a look and see if there are other things that don't mainly attract FTMs. Pregnancy yoga, aquanatal etc. I did Daisy birthing which was a nice class and mums only. Would have had the same problem with childcare for DS1.

I didn’t do NCT with my second but I did do birthing classes (Daisy foundation, may be worth checking if they’re run near you) and also pregnancy yoga before baby was born. Then once she was born I did 2-3 baby classes a week from about 4 weeks old. I was also lucky that I knew a couple of people having babies a few months after me so we were on Mat leave at the same time.
However I think if I hadn’t had any pregnancy or baby classes near me I’d have considered doing NCT again. I would just go in being open and honest that’s it’s your second - they may love having someone who’s done it before in the group, but equally I’d probably just also be conscious about only offering advice/ sharing experience if asked.

Like a PP I did an NCT post-natal course with my second (we'd also moved areas) so I didn't have to do the classes again (and saved ££) but did have a ready made group of friends. That said, on my first NCT course one friend was having her second and we definitely didn't think she was a wierdo!