Awful toddler bedtime - pls help

[WNorwoodJess]

Our two year has become a nightmare at bedtime. She won’t get into bed or stay in her room. It’s gated so if shut, she just screams and cries constantly. We have to stay until she’s asleep. This can take over an hour. We’re exhausted. Average time she’s asleep - 9pm. I’m also 8 months pregnant so don’t need this stress. I’m thinking about hiring a consultant. Any advice?

We had the same and in the end the only thing that worked was saying 'if your not ready for bed yet then mummy/daddy is going to go and...sort tea/go for a wee/go downstairs you get the idea......when your ready to go to sleep you shout and we'll come and tuck you in'.
All the whole power thing, independence emerging! Took a few times of following through and a few tears but he soon got the idea and felt empowered as it was his decision to go to bed. We still have to stay until he's asleep but it's usually a few minutes tops. Good luck!!

Should say we would go back after a minute or so if crying and just say ' oh dear I can see your sad, are you ready for mummy to come and help you to bed yet?' any messing about then back to 'ok your not ready yet, I'll come back when you are, you just shout me when your ready'

Did she climb out of her cot/ why is she in a bed?

What's her routine like? How long does she nap for? Is she at nursery or home in the daytime? Awful bedtimes are almost always overtired issues.

9pm seems incredibly late for a 2 year old.

DD1 was like this near the end of my pregnancy with DD2 (she was also 2 at the time). 2 nights after Dd2 was born she stopped, i think it must have been anxiety about the change that she couldn’t really verbalise. As you’re so close to the end of your pregnancy I would wait and see if she settles after the birth.

Thanks for the responses. She’s in a bed and nursery 4 days a week. Nursery said they can drop the nap but she seems to need it so they let her. Usually 1.5 hours. The new baby thing is interesting, we try and talk about it but she won’t engage. She’s also very bright and advanced verbally (not a brag, she’s in the preschool class already). Sometimes I think she’s over stimulated. We’ve tried interval crying before but will again. Thank you!!! This ‘phase’ has been about 3 months

We've been dealing with a similar problem recently with my DS. Has your DD ever gone the full day without a nap?

We asked nursery to limit his nap to 30 minutes which made very little difference but finally the last two days they've managed to keep him awake all day which means he's tired earlier in the evening and then gets a good 11 hours or so sleep, fully refreshed for another full day of nursery.

The problem we found was that even with a short nap, he'd sleep late, still be tired when we wake him in the morning and then need a nap the following day so the cycle just continues.

Maybe time cut the nap right down. My DS only had maybe two or three naps a week at that age and on days he napped I’m he wouldn’t go to sleep until 8:30pm ish but non-nap days he was asleep by 7pm. Worth trying tweaking them if she’s really fighting the sleep.

We had something similar around the same age for a few months, we think it was separation anxiety (would go into nursery happily but if I left a room she would start crying hysterically) We stayed with her till she fell asleep, lasted a while but we are now back to putting her down after a cuddle and she’s happily going to sleep.

Three months isn't long for such a big adjustment in her life on top of the separation anxiety that often intensifies at this age. I appreciate it feels a long time when you're in it but if you can ride it out with either dropping the nap and/or taking it in turns to settle her for the hour the baby will be here soon and it'll all change again.

We had this at exact situation with my son when I was expecting his sister, and when she was born we had to cut out his nap which worked really well. It felt early to stop the nap but he actually got more sleep (we had already been limiting the nap to an hour, but without it he would be asleep by 7 instead of 9.30!)

If she is napping then a 9 o’clock bedtime maybe what she needs.

My son went through this. It helped to leave the door open so he could still hear us. (Cue the odd inane conversation with husband at high volume to ensure he could hear we were still around!) We also played the leave for 5 minutes then pop in, say something reassuring without too much eye contact ending with "but it's time for sleep now" and leave. Hard to do and we were often timing the 5 or 10 minutes before we could go back but it worked. He didn't feel abandoned and learned to get himself to sleep.

Thanks everyone. Really helpful advice. I think the new baby is affecting things more than I thought.

We had this for ages with DS. He also has SEN so was an extra tough nut to crack. Here is what worked:

1. It sounds counterintuitive, but an earlier bedtime. The chances are she’s getting overtired and overstimulated.
2. A consistent bedtime routine - bath, stories, into bed for an episode of CBeebies bedtime stories.
3. Rather than leave her to it to scream, or stay for hours trying to persuade her, go for a halfway house. I used to sit in DS’s room but fold laundry or sort things out, and tell him I was there if he needed me but that it was sleep time.
4. Don’t interact too much - it’s the reward she’s looking for. I just say “sleep time now.” Every time DS looks for an interaction, and now he mostly stays in bed.

We have had periods of this with DS. It seemed to be separation anxiety. We persevered with the nap as we felt he did still need it. He is now turning 3, still napping for 90mins and going to bed ok. I'd be reluctant to drop the nap with another on the way if you can avoid it! Maybe reduce it but keep the routine.

We gave very clear instructions with pictures of what was happening. We gradually reduced how much input we had e.g. you could gradually wait further away or check less times. It often involved some letting him shout.

Another option that you might not want to do (understandably) is to put a mattress or similar on the floor and accept you have to wait until she is asleep. Take your phone/kindle and chill. Knowing you are there and not going to leave might make her fall asleep quicker. I have done this on holidays when DS won't sleep. It may be harder to break this habit later but it doesn't sound like your current routine is easy anyway.

Hello @WNorwoodJess did you find a sucessful solution in the end? I'm in exactly the same boat as you (right down to advanced language skills and 8 months pregnant with ds2) and can't be doing with this....90 minutes this evening trying to avoid belly getting jumped on etc after a textbook windown and a very happy boy today getting loads of attention and fun is just leaving me feeling very frustrated. Can't bear the thought of this stringing out for months and months....