Referred to social services

[Alaurable97]

Hello

To cut a long story short I really struggle with my son. He has been really tricky to manage since around 16 months, more so when his baby sister arrived though.

He goes through phases where he just turned in to a demon. He hits, pushes, snatches and is really unkind to his baby sister (one) and when told no he NEVER listens and laughs at me. I'll put him in time out and he will pretend to cry but the second I come back to let him back in the room he laughs at whatever it is that he has done to upset me or his baby sister.

He whines all the time about every single thing. If he doesn't get his own way he waves his arms around and whines and screams. He never ever does as he is asked and I lose my cool with him a lot at the moment.

There have been occasions where he has hit his sister so I have screamed in his face and shouted and said some really unkind things to him and I'm a few occasions I regret to say I did hit him for hitting his sister because the usual 'calm parenting'methods he literally just laughs at.

I know all of the latter is dreadful. I feel apathy towards my son a lot of the time and don't want to be around him at times because nothing I do is good enough it feels.

I forgot to mention he is 3. Despite not feeling as much affection towards him as I used to (I'm hoping it will return but I'm so burnt out due to no family support and partner living separately at the moment due to relationship issues because he felt pushed out because I breastfed and coslept with both babies so understandably he got tired of sleeping on the sofa but I'm now weaning my youngest off). Anyway, despite my feelings of apathy and resentment I KNOW it's so unfair on my son because he really is just a little toddler and it's up to me to resolve it but I really struggle.

I feel guilty every night because I vow that we are going to have a great day and I'm not going to shout but every time I set up a nice activity or try to take him somewhere nice he will mess up the activity and behave inappropriately, exclude and hurt his baby sister or have public meltdowns over very minor (to me) things and I don't drive so I end up too anxious to go anywhere because it could be a 40 min bus ride from hell because he refuses to sit down on his chair on the bus and once he starts crying his baby sister will get set off.

I really worry about the impact this will have on him in the future (my screaming, shouting and couple of instances where I have hit him for hitting his sister) and so saught out help for my immense temper and I am starting emotional regulation therapy next week.

I also visited the NSPCC website and looked at the emotional abuse section and realised I was exhibiting some of those behaviours towards my son. I reached out to a charity called Respect (for perpetrators of abuse) and told them what was going on. They then reported it to the police.

The police came to see what was what and weren't worried at all and seemed to think I was just under immense pressure on my own and trying really hard to the point if being exhausted. The police officer said that the house was immaculate, the children looked well looked after and there were so many toys. She said she wasn't concerned especially because I had already put some steps in place to prevent what has been happening but she would put a referral in to social services anyway and if I decide in a few days I don't want that support then I can.

Thing is, I will take any support I can get right now because I'm so miserable. I want to love my child properly again, I want him to be happy. My only concern is that they may tell my partner (we live seperately) but the police officer said they won't be.

I don't want him to know because I already asked him before whether I should contact SS for support but he said no because he is having issues with his ex wife because although we have never met (or spoken for that matter) she despises me and would be like a dog with a bone if she ever found out.
She's just a bit odd, I still don't know what I did to offend her.

I am so afraid to tell him. I had no idea this charity would be able to identify and report me to the police using just my email address, I must have given it to the police when I have them a statement a few years ago maybe.

Has anyone ever been referred to SS before? What should I expect?

Thanks everyone

Different areas have different names for different parts of social services. Most likely, what will happen now is that a social worker will want to come and make a visit. They will probably want to see your children and to talk to you; they may want to look around the house, see the childrens bedrooms and check you have food in.

They absolutely won’t care about ordinary household mess. They won’t be expecting immaculate surroundings (in fact if the house is sparkling and there are no toys anywhere, that in itself would be a worry). They will be checking that the children are living in a safe environment, have beds and bedding, food to eat, etc.

After that, they may do nothing else at all. Or they may refer you to a parenting course. These are really good, small groups, and will help you to find more appropriate ways to handle your son in future.

One thing you could do for yourself in the meantime is to get in touch with your local home start. www.home-start.org.uk/ They provide volunteers who will come alongside parents of preschoolers and just help. Well worth talking to, and if they can match you with a volunteer they will be just great at being an extra pair of hands; playing with your son so you can sort your baby, or holding the baby so you can play with your son and reconnect, that kind of thing.

I think you've been incredibly brave reaching out for help - it must be so scary, but you've put yourself through it because you DO love your son and want to do what's right for him. You need to hold onto that now, see it through and be completely honest with SS. They can offer you the right support if they know what's really happening for you (they're very underfunded and stretched, but they would much rather offer early help/family support than leave you to get to crisis point)

You know you shouldn't hit your child - ever, for any reason. Even if he laughs at other parenting strategies. This needs to be an absolute red line. You can't teach your son not to hit his sister if he knows that you - the centre of his world - also resort to using violence when all else fails. He's little enough that he'll forget it ever happened - make sure it never happens again.

I had one very easy-going 3yo and one much trickier one, but both of them at times laughed at discipline and mercilessly pushed the boundaries. You just have to keep going - be consistent, insist on the same consequence every time, don't lose your temper and don't give in. Even a child who is laughing at a time-out is still experiencing it and internalising the fact that he's being disciplined. I'm sure you'll get much better parenting advice from people with younger kids, mine are older teens now. I think you're doing a courageous thing, and I don't think you'll regret it

I'm our area the service that may offer to support you is called Early Help.
Social Services, also schools etc can refer you.

It's part of Social Services but the person supporting you isn't a SW.

They can help you with routines, boundaries, positive behaviour management and out you in touch with other support networks in your area.

It is a positive thing that you have acknowledged that you are struggling and need some support.

Give them a call on Monday, should be your local Social Services number and just explain the difficulties you are having. They will possibly call you after the referral anyway to see what support they can offer.
They are there to help, not to take you children honestly.

Sounds like you are doing your best in a really difficult situation

Recognising you need help that you’ve made some mistakes and taking steps to improve
Things makes you a good mum
Your “partner” should be supporting you in these endeavours and struggles not checking out as PP writes
As long as you are working with them and honest and open their job is to help and support you. It sounds as though you’ve had such a difficult time and have been pushed to breaking point
Hope things get better for you

Can your DH not look after the son?

Obviously what you’re doing is not ok and it’s coming across very obviously that the DD is much more wanted and love than your DS.

However you have reached out for help - which is amazing and shows that you are a good parent because you know it’s wrong and you’re trying to change.

Peoples perceptions of social workers are often at odds with the reality.

Many, many academic studies demonstrate that children are best served by being cared for by their parents.

As such social workers do not start with the premise that they want take your child away from you.

Someone will come and do an assessment to identify the needs of your son and ensure that you are given the appropriate support in enabling them to be safe and that your child is not in any danger.

They are not looking for an immaculate house, rather one that's reasonably clean/tidy where there is appropriate food and ideally toys, books etc and importantly a parent who wants to look after their child.

Be honest with them about what you've been dealing with. Admit you are struggling to manage your sons behaviour and finding parenting him difficult.

Ask for help and say you want to engage in getting more support.

They will want to to help you and can do that best if you are open and honest.

A good social worker can give you lots of support and access to services you might not have considered.

You would probably benefit from an Early Help plan .....I’m sure the SW will discuss with you....they won’t necessarily do an assessment if they feel you will engage with Early Help

2 kids aged 1 and 3 with no help?

You're doing well and it's good you're seeking support, because it's totally understandable you need it. We all do when our kids are that age.

It will get easier, hang in there

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

2 kids aged 1 and 3 with no help?

You're doing well and it's good you're seeking support, because it's totally understandable you need it. We all do when our kids are that age.

It will get easier, hang in there

How can you say someone is doing well after they've hit their tiny, defenceless child?!

@DaisyStPatience. Not really helpful🙄

You’ll get some vicious and unhelpful posts OP. But I just wanted to chip in and say that I think you’re a great mum. We all have low points. We all make mistakes. We all lose our tempers (despite what some of the perfect parents on here will tell you). But the important part is how you deal with it. And you ARE dealing with it. You’re doing all you can to fix things. You want things to be better for your son. You ARE a good mum.

Hang in there.

@WonderfulYou

Can your DH not look after the son?

Obviously what you’re doing is not ok and it’s coming across very obviously that the DD is much more wanted and love than your DS.

However you have reached out for help - which is amazing and shows that you are a good parent because you know it’s wrong and you’re trying to change.

@WonderfulYou

Nowhere in OP's post does it come across "very obviously that the DD is much more wanted and love, (sic), than your DS".

The OP openly admits she's struggling, and that kind of comment is not going to help one iota.
It's a shame, because your final sentence is so much more supportive.

You definitely need help
You cN change How you react
Get 3 yr old in nursery
And the dad needs to be involved too if he is seeing the kids
Try to take deep breath Nd remember your ds is only toddler too

Is there a reason why your partner doesn’t live with you with two small toddlers? Does he ever have them so you can get a break?

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I think you're a good mother, just overwhelmed. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all lose our temper sometimes. Admitting your mistakes, apologising, and doing your best to prevent them from happening again is what matters.

Be proud you've reached out for help, good mums do this.