Arguing with partner/not sure how to handle it

[edgylemons]

There's too much to even write.

But I feel so alone. Baby is just over one month old.
If I try to speak about anything or complain to my partner at all, all I get from him is - "well you're a mum"
"well at least you get to be at home"

But he doesn't help. He's helped a little this week because I've been unwell - but not much. Previous to this week he would be on Xbox all of the time.

He also keeps saying he doesn't get down time & that him going on the Xbox, to the pub, etc, isn't down time?? But it is?
So when I've said I don't get down time either (you know, we're both in this) he's flipped and said my down time is being at home all day, because i can nap when baby naps (which never happens) - but if this is the case then surely his 8 hours solid sleep every night is downtime too?🤣 he never helps with nights, he's told me to wake him once or twice to help, when I've tried to wake him, he just gets angry and tells me to f**k off. So I just sleep in another room with baby so he's not disturbed.

I'm feeling so drained though. Physically and mentally. I do every feed and nappy change, morning, noon & night. I do all of the housework. But yet if I complain or ask for more help I get these sh*tty comments.

Do you have family.friends nearby ?

Are you breast feeding ?
How much time does he spend with baby ?

I had this with my first baby (2018). It was awful. I felt like I was going mad with the lack of empathy, understanding, kindness. It forced me into a state of depression and anger. I went to counselling which gave me some tricks for communicating my needs better (more calmly) and basically allowed me to feel heard by someone at least .

Gradually I've got my message through to him. And now he's so much better. Still not perfect (obviously) but much better.

Not many friends or family, I'm bottle feeding (I tried to breastfeed but with having to do everything else, I couldn't sit there through the cluster feeding; so I feel like a letdown with that) - he doesn't spend any time with him, if I'm super super busy he might change a nappy, or give the odd bottle, but he just complains when he does and it's like he can't put the baby down quick enough, in order to go back on the Xbox.

I've also mentioned me wanting time with him, and his response is 'well you get time with me when I get home from work' (usually when I'm busy feeding/changing baby, doing other stuff - it's not proper time) so when I've said I want a few hours of his company where he isn't on Xbox, he's said he doesn't want to spend his life just sitting and watching tv with me as a way to spend time together - but it's okay for him to sit on Xbox all the time? He's saying he wants to go out and do stuff and doesn't understand that I'm just not well right now and I don't feel up to it (I'm bleeding lots awaiting to see GP Monday, I have a chest& ear infection and I'm exhausted, so the last thing I want to be doing is getting myself and baby ready to go out)

Bin the xbox when he's out?

Tbh he is treating you appallingly and he needs to shape up.

Downtime is anytime not work, doing housework and/or looking after baby in my view. So xbox and pub time are definitely downtime.

You are going to have to force change here if he is not going to accept that he is in the wrong. Firstly do you have family you can go stay with for a few days. It sounds as though you are in a right mess and could do with some help. Then once you are healthier tackle the manchild.

You say partner - what is the housing / financial situation? Don't spend all your maternity pay, paying equal shares of stuff either. I suspect you are going to need some money behind you.

He prefers the Xbox to you
That’s not going to change without drastic decisions.
Do you think you want to leave?

I've got to a point where I want to leave now, I'm sick of listening to the things he's saying.

If you've got a little newborn baby, don't make now the time to make huge decisions like leaving him, unless you or baby are st any potential risk.

Bide your time a bit. You've got some humongous changes happening in life right now. So foes he, to be fair.

Does he do anything non-baby related things around the house? Does he cook, clean, do laundry, tidy up etc?

@ Abbsie
The op says she does all the feeds, all the nappy changes and all the housework

he's flipped and said my down time is being at home all day

Would he like to swap then? Let you go back to work and he can be at home with the baby all day and night if it’s that easy? He sounds like a selfish prick. I doubt he’ll change. I think your next steps depend on your situation really: are you married and do you own your house?

We aren't married and luckily we rent so there's no heavy responsibility with the house

Get rid of this loser. What you see is what you get, he won't be changing.