Loneliness

[Pepin83]

Hello everyone.

I was hoping for a bit of a a) reality check and b) some practical advice on a situation I've found myself in.

In 2019 my partner moved to the north to a lovely livelycity and we had our first child in mid 2020. Since moving I have been so lonely. I am close to my family and have a core group of friends from school (all in London). But at the same time, I have moved a lot, studied/lived abroad and have never struggled to make friends before. I enjoy my own company and do not need a huge amount of social interaction but clearly I need some.

Before having my baby, Iwent to a book group andtried some meet ups but it was really hard to sustain contact. I started the process of volunteering, the checks took a while and then covid put an end to that. I was pretty lonely but hoped when I got pregnant I would make some mum friends. Then covid happened....

While pregnant, I signed up to three online antenatal classes/groups and during my mat leave I communicated a lot with these groups of mums on whatsapp and managed to meet for walks/park trips during the various lockdowns etc. I shamelessly talked to people and swapped numbers with other mums in the park. While it definitelywasn't easy at times (thank you lockdown three!). I did make friends.

However, when I returned to work things really started to go downhill. I was no longer availablefor day meet ups. But my work has moved to almost entirely wfh so I am not seeing my colleagues either.

I take my baby to the park every afternoon as soon as I finish but it is late in the day and I think most people have headed home for tea by this point (maybe not helped by the weather?).

I am still in touch with friends from mat leave on whatsapp but my attempts to meet up at the weekends don't seem to work. People seem to have a lot of weekend plans. I have been trying to set up to see some friends but they seem to be very busy on weekends. I currently have no plans at all on any weekend between now and the end of March. People seem busy for the next couple of weekends but also don't want to plan ahead too much (fair enough!). I think they are mostly doing stuff with their partners or extended families.

The result of this is that I can easily go for several weeks not seeing/talking to anyone outside my house in real life (I speak to my family on the phone a lot). I feel like such a sad case. There is a coffee shop at the end of my road and I go a loton the weekend and chat to the people behind the counter in order to have a conversation with anyone.

I have managed to go to London once or twice and saw my friends and family and the impact on my mood was incredible. I felt lifted for severalweeks afterwards. At my worst times all I can do is think about moving and being close to my family on the basis if nothing else I could see them. However, we did move for good reasons.

My mum says that it is very lonely having small children and moving would not necessarily solve the problems. She said she was very lonely when we were small but it got better. I suspect she is probably right about this.

So lovely people on this anonymousforum a couple of questions:

1. Is my mum right? Will it get better as kids grow etc. Also can anyone shed any light on why people don't want to do stuff at the weekend. For what it is worth, I don't think it is me. I do think they are genuinelybusy. I would just like to be busy too!Are there better times to arrange to meet people (weekday evenings?)

1. What proactive steps can I take? I have considered going back to volunteering but I want to do something that would be easy to do a) while pregnantb) take a small baby to. I wouldn't like to have to give it up straight away. Would having another baby help my situation? I could take mat leave again. Any other bright ideas are very welcome.

I really want to sort this, I feel like my mood and self esteem have taken a massive hit. I used to be a generally happy person. Now I worry I might not be that much fun to be around. If people ask what I am up to - the honest answer is absolutely nothing....

Just some other background information so I don't drip feed, I didn't want the first comment to be even longer than it already is!

We moved because I had a good job opportunity and my partner works freelance from home. I am from London originally but our salary levels (while good!) meant we would struggle with the cost of living in the capital. We would both have to work long hours and deal with long commutes to make it work. We always wanted a slower pace of living, didn't really get much out of the undoubtedopportunities London has to offer (basicallywere quite lazy about going to museums/films restaurants) and enjoy the outdoors. We also knew we wanted kids. So all in all, the decision to move made sense. We were able to get a nice placewith a low mortgage. My husband could cut back on his hours to do more childcare etc.

At the moment I can't go part time, I want to have a second baby and need that mat pay to be based on a full time salary. However, I could consider returning part time after baby number two if people think that might help? For similar reasons I can't move jobs right now (maternity package).

One more relevant bit of information, one reason the return to work was so hard for me is that we were totally floored by the onslaught of nursery bugs. This meant I did fall out of contact with some more casual friends (playpark friends) I feel it might be a bit odd just to randomly get in contact after quite a long hiatus. But I certainlycould try!

I really relate to this, I moved to a new area when DC1 was a baby and it took a while to make friends, then Covid hit and a lot of the friendships fizzled out. But now that he's started school and does swimming lessons etc it doesn't feel so lonely as we're always rushing around for something. So I do think your mum is right, it will get better. Even before school, from about 3 I really enjoyed going places just me and my little buddy. I don't tend to see friends too much at the weekends because DH works really long hours during the week so weekend are precious time to do things as a family. But I do sometimes do the local park on a weekend morning so there's still time to do family stuff later, maybe you could suggest something low key and early in the day? Working full time does make it challenging but if you're planning to go part time in the future that'll help too. Personally I wouldn't think about moving back in the short term as things will change a lot for you over the next few years. Hang in there!

The apps mush and peanut are good for finding other mums in your area who might be able to meet up when you're around. It's hard, I think there's a lot of mums in the same situation.

I think for a lot of people weekends are family time so are reluctant to arrange play dates for then.

I would advise signing up for a class that is a term rather than a one off, then you’ll be seeing the same parents week in week out and will hopefully make a connection. In my area there are classes like baby ballet, sensory etc that have Saturday classes so that could work for you.

I too am in a new area so don’t have many mum friends. I have a couple I have met through classes and we’ll meet up once a month or so for a playdate. I don’t really mind tho I love doing my own thing with her, she’s my little side kick!

Thank you! Very helpful. Good to know that it might just get better. Think it doesn't help that my little side kick is still quite small and while I love spending time with him (and my partner). I would also like some other human adult company.

Weekend morning is an excellent shout and I'm hoping as the weather get better there might be more people in the park a bit later.

I'm on the apps and have actually met some great people during mat leave. But good idea to see if there are people around at the weekends too.

I do feel while there are great things about wfh (childcare is so much eaiser). It has left me in this weird situation. I'm not around during the day for parent activities. But I'm also not actually getting socialisation from my job. I think if my workplace figures out some hybrid working that would also help hugely.

Use the apps to find other people in your weekend situation. They will be out there.

I've managed people in your situation. I authorised flexible working so 2-3 times a week they took time out in the day to go to baby groups ( which are actually to keep parents sane). They would make up work time later.
I'd also find a local adults activity you can join once or twice a week in eves.
I'm not sure what your childcare arrangements are

If also message people from pre nursery to see if they want to hook up. Just explain that stuff has got in the way

You sound like you’ve tried all the right things. I think covid has been a difficult time for all parents. I have a nearly 3 year old and we only have 1 person we meet up with regularly during the week. My older kids have plenty of friends but their parents now work and are often busy on weekends. The youngest never really made friends with any mums due to lockdowns and being busy with the older kids. It’s definitely not just you. I think maybe you need to commit to doing at least one or two classes in your area every week so you see the same people who are local to you and ask them for coffee etc afterwards. If your wfh any chance of changing your hours perhaps have a morning off and catch up during nap time? It will be easier when your little one starts school or nursery as people will want more play dates and parties. Keep trying! You sound like a lovely person and you’re doing all the right things

Weekends are hard for a lot of people so you need to find someone with a partner who works shifts. I found that loads of friendships dropped away because of the whole weekends being for family time thing. Whereas my husband often works on the weekends so it’s a perfect time for meet ups. How much time do you get without the baby? What about evening activities with adults as well as play dates?

Brilliant ideas here. Think you're totally right about finding other people who want to do stuff at the weekend. And the apps might work if I put it out there specifically.

RE baby classes currently he does short days with a child minder (partner picks him up at about 3). But I could look at having him one morning a week. My work is very understanding and flexible so could work late that day to make up for it.

RE evenings. My partner is happy to take the baby. I've tried making plans weekend evenings but struggled. I could attempt to make some plans weekday evenings for something laid back with someone.

Adult classss: I didn't have a huge amount of success with these pre baby. Does anyone have any suggestions. Would something like an adult education class be better than an exercise class? Pottery or art?

I do think I am doing the right things. It just isn't quite sticking. But maybe it's a case of plugging away at it until something clicks with someone. I do just need just one or two friends to see every couple of weeks. I don't need constant party lifestyle.

Depends what you’re into. I like bouldering so have joined a women’s group for that. Doubt I’ll make any lifelong friends coz they’re all younger than me and have different lifestyles. But I doesn’t really matter coz it’s just nice to have company while I do it. I go out much more with friends on weekday evenings than weekends. For the same reason of some people wanting couples time then. And I can’t do weekend evenings if my partner is working. I often just go for a pint or a meal. Early coz everyone is knackered. Home by 9/9.30. Do you go to gigs? Anyone into music you’re into? Theatre?

I just wanted to say I can totally relate ❤️

I used to be such a social person but 9 years on with two children and a step back from my career I find I can get very lonely.

I fell out with some local friends a few years back which didn’t help but the situation was becoming very bitchy so I knew it was the right thing to do, they were my main source of social support locally.

I have friends scattered about so don’t see them very often and we moved to a bigger house but less sense of community with our neighbours with our last home.

I guess it’s all just added up to having much less ‘easier’ friendships/ connections and it takes time/ energy and planning to see friends now as they don’t live very close. Also two of my best friends don’t have children.

I hope what your mum says is true. It’s easier to think everyone else has a much better social life and some very extroverted mum friends definitely manage to sustain that.

I just hope that when the kids are older I will have more time and energy to pursue my own hobbies/ friendships on a more regular basis too ❤️