She wants to invite her bully to her birthday WWYD?

[NewtoHolland]

So my Autistic 7 year old has a pretty good time at school, on and off upsets with some children like any child has but there is one child who has been persistently a bit unpleasant to her throughout school. He may have a difference himself or something, but I'm not aware of any SEN, just very boisterous child...often will take an opposing role in play to my child for example her playtime habit is all around building houses for imaginary fairies, this boy then leads a couple of others who tell her they have killed the fairies. My friend's son tends to intervene as he's quite protective of my daughter who clearly presents as a bit younger and less sort of worldly wise than her peers.
So my daughter has written invites to her birthday party and has included this bully because 'Mum if you try to be kind to people then they will start to be kind to you'.
Gaah I think this is my fault because kindness is a huge thing that I drill into the kids and a big guiding value for us. I do encourage them that if someone is a bit of a knob it might be because they are having a hard time in their lives etc. The stricter teacher might be the one who most needs that Xmas card etc...but also our own feelings and having boundaries if you feel hurt or upset by someone etc..
I feel like if he comes he might make the party more challenging for her...if he wins a game or something like that I can imagine her finding that a hit hard..and he's very full on but it's a rally active disco party so as long as he's engaged in that should be ok..She will have told him he's invited it's not a case of being able to just loose the invite...also it's quite a sweet sentiment that she's trying to repair their relationship in some way.
I want her to have a lovely time and for the party not to be stressful for her...she's chosen the format etc and a few of the local kids have this style disco so the games, songs and general routine will be familiar to her.

So do I let him come and respect her choice to be kind and lovely? Maybe tasking one of my friends to be on watch for him a bit? WWYD?

I think if you truly believe in kindness and the way you’ve presented it to your children - that the mean kids might need extra kindness shown - then you have to respect her decision.

Task another adult to be on watch. Organised games shouldn’t give too much of an opportunity for him to target her or spoil it and you can firmly nip it in the bud if so.

Your DD sounds a sweetie.

Thank you,
I think you're right, hopefully the organised games are things he enjoys and that keeps them both entertained without many opportunities for friction.

Yes I would invite him too and like you I would worry about it as well. Do ask your friend to keep an eye on him. Who knows maybe it will improve their relationship?

Is this boy actually a bully? Or is he just a 7 year old participating in imaginary play, just like your DD is? I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and follow your DD’s wishes by inviting him. At least then you will be able to see for yourself if he deserves the ‘bully’ label and then be better equipped to deal with any future problems.

Ok going to brave it and hope for the best.

PinkSyCo
Yeah probably I'm being unfair, I am quite fiercely protective of her.

I love that she has hope for the relationship, fingers crossed it's a good afternoon for both of them.

The fairy play is nothing to be worried about. He was just trying to join in the game and I hope that's nor why you're calling him a bully.

How lovely that your daughter has that attitude and is truly displaying kindness. Teach her how to be firm with people too, but nothing wrong with kindness at all.

Yes allow her to invite who she wants.
Keep a close eye on them to ensure behaviour is acceptable.

'Mum if you try to be kind to people then they will start to be kind to you'.

I think she might be right. Particularly, when you're talking about a 7 year old. I think the term 'bully' is probably a little uncalled for when you're talking about very small children tbh.

Do you know his parents? I'd be tempted to ask one of his parents to stick around, but otherwise just make sure you have a friend/other adult to keep an eye out.

Invitr, but going forward help your dd drae boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour... Kindness sadly does not always win.

Tbe 5 year old who when eventually moved up to high school forced us to move our dc out of the high school was a bully then and is a bully now. Some children really are bullies, and people wringing hands saying you cant label children as such need to realise the damage an established and unchallenged pattern of brhaviour can do.

'Mum if you try to be kind to people then they will start to be kind to you'.

🥰

Sorry to hear about your experience @JoyOrbison.

I think he will be going to a different secondary if the kindness doesn't work so that is a relief.

I haven't heard back if he is coming so we will see!

Thanks @NewtoHolland

I hope your dd's party goes well, fingers croseed kindness wins, but if it doesn't then a red card and early exit from the party might!

@NewtoHolland we had a similar situation although not a bully who targeted anyone, it was a child with very challenging behaviour.

I warned DH and my mum. What worked was I ran the party, mum helped me and DHs only job was to be with this child. (Parent of child was there but either had no boundaries or just yelled).

Fortunately DH is fun and 'cool'. Absolutely no good at running a party 😂 but can do 5 minutes of super fun to distract the child. Key was, in the words of mad eye moody, constant vigilance, so distracting before anything happened. Also giving child special jobs I e. Handing out things.

I really would recommend that someone you trust to be constantly 'on it' only has the one job of managing the child

I think the sentiment from your daughter is lovely and it's a great opportunity to see how he actually behaves. I think it's really hard to stay balanced when the only side of the story we hear is our precious DC. If he does something unkind you can immediately pull him up on it rather than it being let go unnoticed by a teacher who is preoccupied with other things. You'll definitely need a lot of adult help though.

If he comes, make sure you have his parents phone number (you should make sure you have all the kids parents phone numbers )and if he starts bullying your daughter at her birthday party just don't let him say, either get another adult there to take him home or call his parents and tell them why he's going home early, do not let him stay and bully your daughter and ruin her party,

If it was me I wouldn't invite him, and id explain to her that while we can be kind to others, we do not allow others to bully us ...otherwise as an adult she would be vulnerable to stay in abusive relationship/friendships/put up with bullying because her mum taught her it's better to be kind to others so they will be kind back...

Seriously though please don't let the boy come and ruin her birthday party, just don't send an invite, if his parents ask why, just tell them you are not inviting someone who repeatedly bullies your daughter....parties are for friends not for bullies

Curious, why does kindness mean inviting an unpleasant person into her space? Not inviting isn't necessarily unkind.

I'd stress boundaries tbh; curating the sphere over which she has influence and not feeling responible for sorting out other people's behavioural baggage.

But that's just me...

Good tips,
My dad is pretty good at engaging kids so think I will have him on watch.
She's invited a couple of his really good friends so that might help him stay happy and distracted.
The person we've chosen who runs the party also is pretty good, they tend to have the kids spellbound (it's quite funny sort of holiday kids club style disco with old fashioned games narrated in a very 80s way but the kids seem to love it) so hopefully his magic works on that kid too.
It is ultimately her decision, and she will be protected by us all being on watch.
I think the complexities of boundary setting are quite hard to fully understand at seven, let alone adding autism into the mix. I think you can be kind to unkind people, without making their behaviour your responsibility, but yes definitely going forwards going to look at how we manage the balance. With an NT child or adult I would talk about physical sensations and going with your gut when you feel uncomfortable about someone..but interroception and autism don't always mix so we will have to come up with some other ways of telling when a boundary is being stepped on.
My impression is he is boisterous rather than vindictive, and although his behaviour can be quite unpleasant he isn't an unpleasant child. I haven't heard back whether he can attend or not so it may all have just been a storm in a teacup any way.

Call me cynical and lovely as that is are those values going to help her in life? We’ve had a few tricky situations “friend” wise and the advice to “be kind” to them would be as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

Dh has drummed into out girls if someone is persistently unkind to you walk away leave the group and have nothing to do with them. Hoping this translates into their relationships with men in the future. I initially thought his advice was black and white but in every situation so far it’s been spot on.

I have to say I felt the same and @MsTSwift

The whole be kind to the one who’s being mean feels a lot like “he’s being mean to you because he likes you”

I think you struggle with boundaries and you’re innocently teaching her the same.

If he comes, get someone to both watch him like a hawk and also TELL him to pack in the mean behaviour or his parents will have to come and collect him.

Parents still haven’t bothered to respond to your invitation?
If he is a child who tramples all over other children I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

@MsTSwift

Call me cynical and lovely as that is are those values going to help her in life? We’ve had a few tricky situations “friend” wise and the advice to “be kind” to them would be as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

Dh has drummed into out girls if someone is persistently unkind to you walk away leave the group and have nothing to do with them. Hoping this translates into their relationships with men in the future. I initially thought his advice was black and white but in every situation so far it’s been spot on.

Absolutely!! I’ve done the same with my daughter.

Your dd sounds adorable.
A good tip for her by the way would be for her to RESPECT others and expect RESPECT in return.
Respect is not quite the same as liking or being kind. Close, but not quite the same, and the difference may help to protect her from being taken advantage of.

So, he gets to be horrible to your dd and make life miserable and he still gets an invite to her party to lark around with his chums?
I don't think so!
He's only going to learn that he can get away with his bullying without consequence and that his presence trump's your dd's feelings.
You want your dd to feel comfortable and happy on her special day. Don't invite him.

Girls grow up with it being drummed into them to Be Nice and Be Kind, even when others (usually males) are treating them badly. It lays down a template and we see the result of that in all the shitty relationships where women are treated like crap and accept it.

There's being 'nice' and there's teaching girls appeasement and I think it's really important to avoid falling into that trap.

Well those values do help me in my life because they are congruent with who I am and I think possibly most people have an innate desire to show kindness to others, live in a way that acknowledges that we are all battling our own shit and people are generally trying their best/ bringing what they have in that moment to a situation...generally self compassion and compassion for others is meant to be pretty beneficial for wellbeing. It also helps me be less self critical understanding that someone's behaviour is probably more to do with what's going on for them than anything I've said/done etc.

Obviously boundaries within that are crucial...and that for me is where listening to my gut comes in..what I feel comfortable and uncomfortable with..where I want to draw the line with each person and when just to say no. This is where I hope she's able to access that gut instinct as she gets older which will help her decision make on where she draws her boundaries..but if not we will explore other techniques for her to be able to decision make around what is right for her.

It isn't her responsibility to appease him, but she's made a decision on trying out something she thinks might help their relationship.. which comes from a kind place...I feel it probably won't set her up for a lifetime of oppression..