Considering going for no.3 - at 40. Am I mad???

[popsickle555]

Not sure where to post this. So DH is 40, I am 40 at the end of this month. We have two DC's aged 10 and 6 (almost 7). When DD2 was 3 I got pregnant again, I was on the pill so it was in no way intended then. We didn't keep it because I had just started a new job (literally that week) and DH was not keen because we had just got our 'lives back' - DD2 was a non sleeper. I was uncertain about the decision at the time but for me pregnancy is very tough, I had morning sickness for 4 months solid and I knew I couldn't do my job and uni course (was also doing a masters which I have now finished).

Anyway I digress..I had always thought we would have another child 'later', 38 was my 'target age' but I got Covid and was seriously unwell with it for many months then Long Covid for 18 months. I am about 80% recovered now. I know this is likely our last chance at another child. I can't decide if I am crazy considering it when not in full health but something inside me says one day I will look back and think I made a huge mistake either not keeping one or by not at least trying again. DH is not especially bothered either way but is a great Dad so would get onboard with it I am pretty certain. We can afford it but it will mean some sacrifices probably. We are older and tired but we have a lot of love to give and a nice home etc.

For what it's worth the remaining long covid issue is chronic fatigue which from what I have read is actually often improved by pregnancy.

Has anyone else been in a similar dilemma? There's no guarantee I could get pregnant anyway (of course) because I have a womb condition (adenomyosis) and I assume it would be harder for me to get pregnant / not miscarry than in previous younger years.

Maybe I should just be happy with what we have got but i think pushing 40 has put me into a spin!

I had dc3 at 41 with 2 teens. Had all the same reservations but it's been brilliant. Dc3 is so loved by her older siblings and they are great at helping with her. She's nearly at school age now, she has great social skills no doubt helped by older siblings and am so happy with our decision.

I'm sorry I think you're mad. I'm 36 and have a two week old baby and a 4 year old and it is so hard. Sleepless nights, no rest, constant worry. My husband is extremely hands on and has a long paternity leave but it's so hard. I'm so run down. You need to focus on recovering and building yourself up again. Good luck in whatever you choose but thought I'd pitch in as I'm in the thick of it now

Personally I wouldn't.

I'm 31 and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I have epilepsy which has caused extreme tiredness. I genuinely thought I was going to drop dead for the first 18 months after my youngest was born. It was SO hard, I was so exhausted. I couldn't think, couldn't function, couldn't hold a conversation.

I also think having 2 wonderful, healthy children who are at an age where they don't rely on you for every singly tiny thing must be amazing.

I would be happy with what I have and just leave it there, but that is so easy for someone else to say.

I'm 35+3 with my 3rd and I'm 42. If you think you will look back and regret not trying, go for it.

I think you should enjoy the DC you have and get on with your life. Develop your career and have good holidays and a social life. Having children isn’t the be and end all and you have two gorgeous ones already.

I don't think you're mad but I do think there are a lot of things to consider here. MC is sadly likely at 40 - risk estimates I've seen are around 40%. MC is tough both physically and mentally and takes time to recover from. Also the risk of the baby not being healthy seems to increase dramatically over the age of 37 when you look at the charts. At 35 the unadjusted risk of Downs is about 1 in 350, by 40 that's closer to 1 in 100. That's obviously a lot of healthy babies but as a mum of one who planned to have a big family before infertility and pregnancy losses got in the way it's not a risk I want to take - it's not just my life, it's DSs as well. The newborn stage is exhausting at any age but I'm definitely finding it tougher than the younger mums and I worry I'll never get to meet my grandchildren. I also hadn't realised how hard it would be going back to a senior managerial role with a 1yr old - I'm just further into my career than most mums because I'm older and it's hard when your (largely male) peers are complaining about the cost of sending their kids away to uni and I'm still changing nappies and up in the night.

I wouldn't think you were wrong to think differently though - my experience of being on the wrong side of the odds a number of times in my journey to motherhood has definitely coloured my view and you will have a different life and different life experience. You have to make the decision that feels right for you and your family.

I’m your age op with similarly aged children though by sounds of it less financially secure. I find it hard to put the broodiness aside but it has definitely eased over the last couple of years. I would say I’m at peace with no more and busy loving the family I have. Making plans for holidays and adventures that wouldn’t really work with a toddler in tow!

I’m 40 and we were considering a 3rd but I’ve just been diagnosed with POI/premature menopause, so it’s not happening now. We weren’t completely decided and this seems a bit like fate - be content with the 2 (5&3) we already have.

Thank you all. some really good thoughts and some nice stories (of those that it has worked for) on here.

Yesterday I heard from a friend who has been hospitalised having twins (she's 40) and is very very poorly. It really shook me and I think in hindsight I am starting to think it is better to be grateful and accept what I have got (which is brillliant). I don't think 40 is 'too' old for a 3rd but I agree with what some have said that there are more risks (for me and baby and also therefore our family unit as we know it) and also the risk of additional needs, my health and my other children not being happy due to age gap. I actually think they would like it but perhaps I would not enjoy menopause and teenagers and toddlers!!! I spent yesterday with my little nieces (2 and 3) and I think I'll just hang out with them a bit more to get my 'fill' and maybe get a dog at some point!

@SmallElephants interesting you say this about holidays. Pre Covid this was a big reason I didn't want more (then) I was super fit and loved being active and we were doing well work wise and I started to plan all these fab holidays and now truthfully I am not well enough to do what we had planned (lots of 'active stuff') and we've lost a lot of income (but we are OK as I am back working now) but yes the holidays have been off the radar but perhaps it's now time to bring them back in an altered state and enjoy them with the two lovely DCs I have.

Sounds a wise decision.
It's really not your age that would worry me, it's the long covid and the big age gap.

My kids are the same age as yours and I’m 42. There’s not a cats chance in hell I would have another now despite always wanting 3.

It’s not the newborn baby stage or the sleepless nights that worry me, it’s the years of having to lug around a bag with wipes, cheerios, spare clothes and pampers. That makes me break out in a cold sweat.

I know full well a 3rd would be easy because it’s not like I’d be juggling a toddler at the same time, but there’s really just nobody “missing” from our family now.

I have wanted three since DC2 was born. Am now 43. We didn't. DH was not keen and I have chronic fatigue and don't cope all that well with the two I have all the time. It was really hard and I find it sad sometimes now that I didn't go for it, but equally I can't imagine trying to juggle another and all the clubs, logistics, forms, appointments... I love babies and toddlers, but two was my personal limit.

I had my third before Christmas. I’m 41. Had similar concerns to PP about the health of the baby/maybe I should just be happy with my two healthy children (6 and 2) as I had multiple MMC in the past but in the end we just knew we wanted another. He turned out just fine by the way.

I do think part of your longing is connected to turning 40. We’re finished now and I’m happy with my three but I hate the idea of that choice to have another one taken away from me because of age. I guess just make sure you want another for the right reason. Good luck x

Maybe fostering or adoption could be a good option?

@Mistyplanet

Maybe fostering or adoption could be a good option?

Do you honestly think she'd get through the medical? She has long covid and nobody knows how that will affect her in the future. Why is it in any way sensible to bring another child into the mix, especially a child who's already lost one family.

Op needs to focus on her own health and her existing children.

From the perspective of someone who’s parents were in their 40s when having me.
I am the youngest of 4 children, there is 13 years between me and my oldest sibling. Parents were 40 and 42 when I was born. My childhood was no different from friends my own age and if anything I enjoyed having older parents they had more time and patience with me and a lot better life advice, yes there is the fact they’re a lot older now and I won’t get as long with them as say if they had me in their 20s but I enjoy the time spent together. I think it’s comes down to the person and the kind of dynamic your family has. If you and your partner are in agreement about another child and the current children are aware I say go for it. As people have said yes having a teen and a baby will be hard but I’ve spoken to my older siblings about it in recent years and they said they enjoyed having a baby around in their teens it taught them a lot of responsibility and the reality of the work that goes into having a baby (I think it warned them off having children young lol) I don’t think you should be put off by other peoples opinions. Of course I’m not in my 40s considering having a 3rd child so I can’t comment on it from that perspective only from a child of older parents, I’m glad they made the decision to have me.

@Mythebow

From the perspective of someone who’s parents were in their 40s when having me. I am the youngest of 4 children, there is 13 years between me and my oldest sibling. Parents were 40 and 42 when I was born. My childhood was no different from friends my own age and if anything I enjoyed having older parents they had more time and patience with me and a lot better life advice, yes there is the fact they’re a lot older now and I won’t get as long with them as say if they had me in their 20s but I enjoy the time spent together. I think it’s comes down to the person and the kind of dynamic your family has. If you and your partner are in agreement about another child and the current children are aware I say go for it. As people have said yes having a teen and a baby will be hard but I’ve spoken to my older siblings about it in recent years and they said they enjoyed having a baby around in their teens it taught them a lot of responsibility and the reality of the work that goes into having a baby (I think it warned them off having children young lol) I don’t think you should be put off by other peoples opinions. Of course I’m not in my 40s considering having a 3rd child so I can’t comment on it from that perspective only from a child of older parents, I’m glad they made the decision to have me.

Love this post.