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Original poster

Do cousins have to be friends?

20 replies

electricdreamm · 09/02/2022 20:20

Basically, DH and I don't particularly gel with SIL and BIL (DH's sister), we live closely, they are nice people and they mean well, but for whatever reason there's no chemistry between us as couples and so we don't really see each other socially, it's more of a birthday/Christmas meet ups type family dynamic..

Anyway, our Dd and their DD are 10 months apart, and whilst they're at different stages now, I appreciate that children love other children, especially cousins.
My thinking is.. do we need to make sure we don't deprive our DD of a relationship with her cousin? And therefore arrange meet ups for the children's sake? Or, do we not need to worry, and accept that as adults we're not that close and so the kids won't be either?

I'd love to know how anyone else deals with this situation? Thanks all x

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Ginger1982 · 09/02/2022 20:32

In an ideal world they would be pals and it's all lovely, but I wouldn't force a relationship just for the sake of it. DS is the youngest of 7 cousins and right now, he's not particularly close to any of them. I hope, as adults, they might get along well.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 09/02/2022 20:36

Couldn't pick my cousins out of a line up. My life is none the poorer for it.

WorriedGiraffe · 09/02/2022 20:39

It’s nice for them to be friends but don’t stress about it, let them meet at Christmas and birthdays and eventually theyl sort of decide for you, if they get on you’ll naturally want to encourage the friendship anyway.

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Just10moreminutesplease · 09/02/2022 20:41

My cousins on one side are incredibly important to me. My childhood wouldn’t have been the same without them and we’re still very close now.

I see my cousins from the other side of my family once a year and, whilst they are nice, they don’t factor much in my life.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m on the fence with this one!

tattychicken · 09/02/2022 20:42

I think your DD's relationship with her cousin is separate to your relationship with your in laws. I would make sure they saw each other regularly enough to build their own relationship, and then when they are older, be lead by DD as to what level of contact she wants.

FourChimneys · 09/02/2022 20:48

I haven't seen my cousins for over 50 years, I don't know all their names and certainly not those of any spouses or children. I can't think of any way in which my life is poorer and I hope they feel the same. I'm sure they are living happy lives without me in them.

altmember · 09/02/2022 20:51

It should be down to the kids really - if they get on well and have a good friendship then you should just suck up your adult 'differences' so the kids can maintain a healthy relationship with each other. However, it's likely that if they only see each other a couple of times a year, they're not likely to get very close anyway.

MartinMartinMarti · 09/02/2022 20:55

They don’t have to be pals and I wouldn’t force it on the kids if they’re not interested.

But I would try for their sake. Cousins aren’t essential, but it’s a lovely relationship when it works.

southlondoner02 · 09/02/2022 20:58

@tattychicken

Agree with this. I'm not especially close with in laws and we don't live close by but DS speaks to his cousins online several times a week (aged 9).

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 09/02/2022 21:00

When me and sil had cc of very similar ages they never saw each other..her choice.
As adults only 1 of each keep family keep in touch.

Hyenaormeercat · 09/02/2022 21:01

I didn't have any 1st cousins but did have similar aged second cousins. We saw each other at family picnics and occasional visits. I'm 'friends' on fb with them but that's it. My own DC only saw their cousins occasionally.

I don't get the obsession with 'family' '
Unless I actually have something in common with someone why would I bother just because we are related..

You know the saying, you can pick your friends but not your family.

It's nice if relatives get on but not if it's based on FOG or skewed views of family.

whattodo2019 · 09/02/2022 21:03

No certainly not. Not keen on my older cousins and my nieces and nephews are vile

Kite22 · 09/02/2022 21:05

Depending on how close you mean by 'live closely', is it likely they will be at the same school / cub pack / swimming lessons / football team / dance class / whatever hobby they do?
In which case they might be friends or might not, but it is up to them. Be very handy to be able to lift share though.
I'd also have thought it is worth facilitating some time with each other as it means you have people when you need a babysitter etc. (not 'using' them, but reciprocal - there are many times over a child's life when it is handy to have someone close by to call on when needed).

So, no, you don't have to be friends with cousins, but, not only might it be nice (even more so if there aren't, or aren't likely to be siblings), but it might be helpful to each of you as parents too.

germsandcoffee · 09/02/2022 21:05

My child spent a few years in the same class at school as her cousin ( I don't have anything to do with m brother or his toxic family) and they have no idea they are cousins so no they don't have to be friends.

SpikeySmooth · 09/02/2022 21:10

BiL has 2 children by two different women and because of the way he treats the women (they both kicked him out) no-one from DHs family now sees them. BiL is an entitled pr*ck. DD15 gets texts from one of them, an older cousin, every so often but that's about it.

On my side my DB's kids haven't had much of a relationship because we live so far away. Also, DD is a big city girl whereas her cousins (both older) have had a very different upbringing in the countryside. Its hard for them to find things in common.

Footnote · 09/02/2022 21:15

I would invite the cousin over alone when they reach the appropriate age, so that the kids can just play and you don’t need to awkwardly socialize with the parents. If they also invite your daughter it could be a nice relationship for her.

savehannah · 09/02/2022 21:17

My kids hardly ever see their cousin. They used to play together ok as small children bit they don't really have much or common or any interest in spending time together now (secondary school age)

As a child I really wanted to spend more time with my cousins but that's because they were much younger and I loved babies and little kids. But because our parents weren't close we never saw them much.

Dazedandconfused10 · 09/02/2022 21:19

I don't know my cousins, never grew up with them. I find the idea of beings friends with cousins really odd.

itwasntaparty · 09/02/2022 21:23

Of course not. IME with a shit load of cousins, close growing up drift when you get older. I do have 36 though so it's kind of hard to keep track.

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/02/2022 21:46

I don't think it's that complex.

They may like each other... they may not.

As they get older if your child likes theirs... and as their aunt their aunt uncle.... you invite the niece/nephew out on nice days out (picnics, theme parks or whatever you are into)

You don't have to involve the parents every step of the way.
If you rbil and sil aren't okay with day trips then ont bother and it's like any other family member you tolerate (so Birthdays and Christmas with the odd strained Sunday roast at easter)

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