3.5 year old doesn’t have any friends

[Birdybirdbirdy]

Hi! My 3.5 year old has been at the same nursery since 10 months and he still doesn’t have any friends. If we ask him who he has played with he just lists the adults names and if we ask who his friends are he just says me and DH! He has very occasionally mentioned a few kids names but not very regularly. And a few times he has told us that ‘… said they weren’t my friend’ or ‘…said I can’t play’ and seemed sad about it.

Nursery say he’s quite happy and that his play is dictated by the activity he wants to do, rather than the people that are doing it (iyswim?) and that he interacts with the other kids doing it.
I’m just aware that other kids are starting to be invited to parties etc and talk about their friends but he just doesn’t seem to ‘get it’. Like I’m not really sure he knows what a ‘friend’ is?? He doesn’t really mix with kids outside of nursery - because if Covid we’ve never met other nursery parents and none of our existing friends have kids. We go to groups and the park etc but he doesn’t make a beeline for other kids there, just gets on with it! The one time we have manage a play date, he said he didn’t want to go because he just wanted to play with us, not the other child. We did go and he had fun but he’s never mentioned wanting another one.
Sorry this is now really long! Is your three year old similar or is mine just very antisocial?? Any way we can improve it?

I think this sounds normal for 3. At nursery they’re still pottering and don’t really establish friendships - and class party invites aren’t so much a thing.

I think you’ll notice a difference once he’s at school. Give it a year and he’ll have friends and get party invites I bet.

In the mean time just keep doing what you’re doing - taking him to groups and encouraging him/setting up a play date here and there if you can.

Also, mine was similar at your boy’s age. He did enjoy it when my friend’s with kids came over but they mainly all did their own thing in the same room!

My three and a half year old says the same but they are just too young to really have friendships. She also says she eats lunch on her own but her keyworker says they all sit up together every day 🤷

Thank you! It’s good to hear that other peoples children are/were similar. I think I was just a bit worried as he doesn’t even seem to understand what a ‘friend’ is but he is only 3. He doesn’t know what a lot of things are yet 😂 I think the kids who are very friendly with one another are from a group of parents who are very close knit. I guess they already knew each other outside of nursery??

I asked our childminder about this when ds was three and just like your ds in this regard. (Childminder has been childminding for 40 years as raised 4 kids so I tend to ask her opinion on stuff.) She said they don't get proper friendships going till about Year 1 and what you are describing for 3 is normal. Parallel play where they play near each other but not particularly interactively is very normal apparently till about 4 or 5.

DP and I have agreed to stop asking who did you play with/ who are your friends because we thought we are hyping the topic up too much and implying it's a very big deal.

I think those you see with friends at this age have parents who are friends & have been thrust together.

My DD had friends at 3 because I happened to have made a great group of friends from a baby massage class, 10 of us remain in regular contact. DD saw these kids pretty much every single Friday during her toddler & pre-school years, so they did over time become children she knew well & recognised & wanted to play with. Two of these kids went to her nursery so she naturally played with them there too & they became her ‘best friends’.

But she never once spoke about other kids at nursery really. The odd one or two popped up in conversation but no major friendships. That said, from about 3.5, she became an expert at making friends in the park. Suddenly she’d rather play with someone rather than us!

It doesn't sound too unusual, but I would persist with bringing him together with other children on weekends, arranging the odd playdate to introduce the idea of having friends, and generally giving him the opportunity to find out that games can be more fun when shared with other children.

It is true that most children naturally "get it" at a certain age, but some get so used to playing with adults - who tend to humour them and follow their lead- that they find it difficult to adapt to playing with peers. I know a child (6) who still requires his mother to play with him in a group of children because she is more amenable. I think some children benefit from a gentle supportive shove at the right time.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I think you’ve got a bit of a nail there! DS is an only child and he is used to a LOT of adult company. DH and I both quite enjoy playing so he gets indulged a bit there… I think we might try and gently pull back a little in that regard.

*HIT a bit of a nail!

At that age, I found they played alongside their peers rather than with them. I wouldn't worry

It's great that you both enjoy playing with him! Hopefully no need to pull back, just put him in situations where you are boringly doing the washing up while another child is there to play with.

If all else fails, in about a year he will start to find poo jokes hilarious, and this will bond him to his peers in a very wearisome way .

Hi fellow mum

I came across your post when googling about my son who is 3. They seem similar in this way. My son struggles with socialising with his peers and has no friends at nursery. He talks away with adults but not children his own age. Seems frightened of them and doesn’t seem to get them. We can see how he struggles but don’t know how to help. He just doesn’t seem to get it. Wish I could make things easier for him.

Hi there, I know this is an old post but you seem to exactly describe my son who will turn four in three months. I just wondered if you could give any feedback how his socialising progressed over the last year and a bit, has he become more interested in other kids or is he more content with adults? Thank you so much!

Hi @Vics12345 My LO is now 5.5 and in reception. He is loving school and has made lots of friends!
It got a bit better in his last year of nursery when another boy joined who had similar interests. We were very worried when he started school (as he knew no one) but by the end of the first term he had a couple of ‘best friends’ and there are lots of other people he mentions. Interestingly all of his friends are girls - he’s not into superheroes, football, rough and tumble etc and most of the boys in his class seem to be.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is autistic but is very high masking/functioning so certainly isn’t likely to get a diagnosis any time soon (I’m a teacher so fairly aware of the process). We occasionally have to explain social situations to him and we try to read lots of books that have a social element to them so we can talk about different situations.

We did also try to really back off with asking about ‘friends’, who he played with etc and were quite low key when he did mention someone. We also didn’t stress of he just hung onto us at parties etc.