Social Services Early Help Referral

[cheshirebloke]

We've (single parent with 3 children) been referred to SS 'Early Help' service by my eldest DC's secondary school. Now I'm not even quite sure why we need it (I don't think we do), but I'm guessing it'll look bad if I decline the 'offer' of help?

TLDR - that's the crux of it above, full details below.

DD's (eldest child, age 12/Yr8) school tutor phoned me last week saying they had some concerns, but they couldn't get involved themselves - as in not even speak to my DD about it, to discuss it with her, which I'm a bit perplexed about as I thought that would come under basic pastoral care? Apparently her tutor feels he might be isolated at school - she's quiet and doesn't seem to have many close friends.

But the biggest thing in that my ex, the children's mother, has contacted the school raising issues (I'm not actually sure on the exact detail of what). But basically along the lines of telling the school that DD is unhappy at home, wants to go and live with her mum.

As DD's school tutor said they couldn't get involved themselves, they though it might be beneficial to refer for some outside help. They said that there was a service available where teenagers could meet some kind of support worker (either on school premises or out in the community) to chat 1 to 1, in confidence about anything they wanted. Almost like some kind of basic counselling, mentoring was how it was pitched. I agreed to this referral, if DD really is unhappy (I've not picked up on anything beyond the mildest of early teenage hormones) and she wants to speak to someone 'outside' about her feelings etc, then seems like a good idea.

Following the referral, SS Early Help worker then contacted me to ask what help we need from them as a family. I explained that I didn't feel there was anything in particular we needed any help with, but that school felt my daughter might benefit from their teenage 1 to 1 support service. But they told me you can't just use that part, needs to be a full on family Early Help family support thing. I was a bit hesitant, as I reiterated that I really don't think there's anything we need any help with as a family unit, and as far as I'm concerned my daughter is happy at home and at school.

So my only concern would be if there are things going on that I'm unaware of, that DD feels unable to talk to me about or is covering things up. I can understand a teenage girl not being comfortable completely opening up to her father, her mother isn't there in person daily (although the do message each other fairly regularly as far as I'm aware).

DD is naturally quiet, well behaved, studious (thriving academically and excelling at most subjects at school). I am aware that since starting secondary school she's grown apart from her previous friendship group - they are far less studious, quite bitchy/cliquey and DD has always been on the fringes of the group rather than central. Some of the other girls are constantly falling out and DD says she can't be doing with all their constant drama, trying to drag her into taking sides etc.

I've had a chat with DD about the referral, trying to get to the bottom of what the school might be concerned about. She tells me she's happy at home and at school, that she has a new friendship group (but again sounds like she's on the fringes of it at the moment), that she doesn't want to move to live with her mother, and hasn't told her mum that, or even had such a conversation with her.

So I'm completely oblivious to what the issues actually are, if the do even exist. But I can't rule out that DD is keeping stuff from me and telling me everything is ok when maybe it isn't. I know she's loyal to her mum, and covers for her quite often.

The kids have regular contact with their mother, and there's no open animosity between us as parents. She doesn't work and I get the impression that her 'new' partner (who barely works either) is a bit financially controlling. She's never paid any child support/maintenance, and I've regularly had to bail ex and partner out with money ('we can't afford to collect/feed the kids' is the typical line). My ex says she can't afford to live off the benefits she currently receives, and has repeatedly requested that I transfer over child benefit payments to her so she can claim the child elements of UC! More recently she's started saying that DD want's to move and live with her full time.

Ex used to be the children's primary carer after we split (although we were doing 50/50 shared care), but due to multiple referrals to SS, and ongoing neglect issues (by their mother, not me), the children were removed from their mother and placed into my care full time. This was less than 3 years ago, and backed up by an absolutely damning SS assessment of my ex.

So I'm not sure if there is more going on behind the scenes, if it's purely down to my ex stirring things up, or if there really are genuine concerns about my children's welfare that I'm not being told about.

I'm tempted to reiterate my previous position to Early Help - that we just don't need any family specific support from them. But I'm conscious that turning them down after a referral might be a massive red flag and lead to matters being escalated.

I think you can definitely say to the SW that it wasn't you who made the referral and you don't feel there's any particular issues but you're happy for them to come and see if they can offer any support they believe would help.

It's very possible your DD spoke about stuff that happens even at her mum's house, but because you're the primary carer, they want to check your situation out first.

You can also see if the SW is willing to have a chat with your DD as she might open up more for someone else.

It's clear that your DD has had a very rough time. The ending of 50:50 custody is not done lightly. What was in the damning report by the SW?

I think you need to accept the whole deal the SWs are offering. Your DD deserves a chance to talk to someone about what she has gone through , maybe needs to process the disastrous parenting she has received from her mother, wondering where she really stands in her mother's eyes. You are not an impartial observer here and it may be hard for her to say she misses having a relationship with a mother figure. She may feel she will hurt your feelings if she says something along those lines to a good, caring father.

Are there opportunities for her to participate in extra curricular activities at school, or would she like to do the Duke of Edinburgh scheme? Sometimes girls who don't like drama take up sport or choral singing or whatever in hopes of finding kindred spirits, and can find good friends.

A lot of schools are part of early help clusters now, so basically they refer into the cluster for lots of different aspects, ie family support etc.
The idea is when an issue doesn’t fit the criteria of child in need or child protection that the early help offer can prevent anything ever reaching that stage.

The early help hub in my nearest city has mental health practioners , domestic violence practioners, alcohol and drug support, a police officer, family support etc. the idea is getting the right person having he right conversation at the right time.

You won’t be looked upon negatively if you decline the early help hub offer as it is voluntary however it could be that your DC needs some help and support about one of the above?

No harm in exploring it, if it’s not for you and doesn’t work for your family then say no…. But the hubs can tap into some really good services

We were referred to Early Help by the school so I asked them how they could help and they said they couldn’t. Found out later they said I’d refused help. They aren’t social services they are part of the local authority. Every time I’ve heard of this happening the school is involved and has some sort of agenda. I’d be very wary of them; sorry you are going through this.

To me, it sounds like the ex manipulating the situation to get the benefits. Kids = money.

I presume there's a reason why they live with you and not her.

You sound lovely btw & doing a great job.

What was in the damning report by the SW?
Alcoholism, self harming/suicide attempts, described relationship with new partner as a 'toxic codependency' (new partner had also had their own kids removed from their care by SS). Beyond that, lots of low level neglect - kids unsupervised while mum slept off hangover all day, kids often late for school, etc. For quite a while SS were trying to support my ex with parenting, and even pushed our DD as being a young carer for her! So from 9 years old DD felt like she's had a responsibility to look after her mum.

Ex now says that DD is old enough to make up her own mind who she wants to live with. But I'm reasonably hopeful that the family court wouldn't agree to make her primary carer again at this point, despite her appearing relatively stable at the moment.

Op
Early help have become involved with me and my daughter and ex we are in a refuge and I've been it's we are struggling,

They literally came out did a report which was sent to both of us after speaking a few times to dd.

We were able to update with our own comments. Social services will only get involved if necessary. Early help will hopefully prevent this.

Your ex sounds toxic op.
Can I ask - if your ex has had the dc removed from her care does she have parental rights?
If she doesn’t have PR - the first thing I would be doing is having a meeting with the school and telling them that they have to stop accepting phone calls from your ex and making them aware she doesn’t have PR.

Don’t be afraid of early help - they help lots of families in the community. Good parents and dc like yourself who maybe just need a little support.
I’d maybe just have the initial meeting and see what you think.

My ds was referred for early help, we were given a MAST worker. I will be totally honest, she was useless but I just nodded & smiled at the right times to get rid of her. I found a young people's drop in for ds & he went every week & was allocated a worker who he saw for 12 sessions. If you have a young carers group where you live don't be afraid to speak to them, ds has been to young carers group since he was 9, he is 18 now & has been on TV speaking about being a young carer, he has done things like going to parliament to present a petition, been on holiday, done fundraising & is in the Action group where older kids decide who is going to get grants. In August he has to finish Young Carers buy is hoping to become a trustee.

Are you sure that the worker you spoke to was definitely a SW? In my area the Early Help offer comes under the umbrella of social services within the council but in reality is offered by a different team who aren't social workers and it's consent based. They carry out whole family work in that they sit down with the whole family and go through different areas together eg emotional well being, finances, if parent is in work, parents well being, keeping healthy etc and everyone reflects on how things are and a plan is made from there. Then the early help worker becomes kind of the lead professional to pull together support from schools, any other agencies that might be helpful and yes, act as a mentor or independent/neutral sounding board to the young people in the family.

Crucially though because they aren't social workers they don't have the same legal powers as social workers and wouldn't be carrying out the same 'scary' assessments. It's meant to be a very collaborative thing with the whole family involved to make sure everyone feels their voice is being heard.

Certainly worth asking for clarification at least and what would happen if you said you didn't feel the need for the service after speaking to your DD? Obviously can only go on what you've written here but I wonder if your ex is angling for DD to live with her to increase the amount of UC she receives? And surely she wouldn't be able to have DD back with her if the report was so damning and 50/50 care was halted so relatively recently? Are they allowed any time alone with her or does it have to be supervised? Because if it still has to be supervised or the time she's allowed to have them alone is minimal then she's got very little chance of DD being returned anyway

If you felt the service wasn't right but still thought that DD could do with someone to talk to then Kooth is a brilliant online, free and safe well-being and mental health community for teens and young people

I think it's obvious that ex wants DD for the extra money she would be entitled to if DD were under her roof.

@cheshirebloke I would have a heart to heart with DD. Tell her you are there to listen to her concerns and that she can talk to you about anything, with no judgement and no expectations, no need for her to be careful about your feelings. You may need to start slowly, with ice breaker games (look up a few online - exercises such as 'tell me one funny thing about yourself'), and then build up ('tell me one thing you were once afraid of'), gradually getting to really know each other.

Her experiences sound pretty grim. Has she had any chance to talk with a counselor about the parentification and the attendant physical and emotional neglect she experienced? A child who has been through experiences like that is going to have a low level of trust in adults, even those who are not neglectful. She will have learned to be self sufficient, to keep her feelings to herself, to sweep a huge amount or pain and sadness under the rug in order to maintain the semblance of a relationship and prevent rejection or anger or blame or whatever other inappropriate response a maladapted adult might mete out.

Someone needs to help her see that she deserved more, but also to help her see that sometimes we have to keep toxic people at arms length no matter how much we may crave their love and attention. You might not be the best person to guide her through the process of disengagement from her mother because you are too close to the situation. If you decide not to avail of the services offered, I would definitely seek private counseling for her.

@MollyBloomYes

Yes, it's not a full on SW, but based on past experience they do work together with SS (when a case can get de escalated to Early Help). So wasn't sure if it could work in reverse (not that I can think of any reason why we would need SS to be involved now).

Spoke to her again today and she said it was entirely up to me if we wanted to engage with them. Explained that DD may not be opening up to me, and that I'd be happy for her to have someone external to chat anything through with. Apparently that is a dedicated teenager support service, and DD isn't quite old enough for that yet.

We both agreed that it appears the pastoral care being provided by the school is lacking - that DD should be able to chat to an adult at school about any little (or big) issues. Her form tutor is one of the safeguarding team at the school, and it was her who made the referral and told me the school don't have any specific pastoral support. She obviously felt it beyond what they'd want to get involved in, which is what makes me wonder if there isn't more to this that I'm not in the loop with. Lady from Early Help said she'd make contact with the school to discuss further and see if she could elicit some more detail from them.

I'm sure my ex would love to have the kids back in her primary care (as I expect would most mothers who've had their kids removed against their will). But the UC child element is also a motivation I'm sure. When the kids lived with her she wasn't having to work and was receiving benefits up to cap, along with maintenance from me on top. Losing the kids meant she lost a large proportion of her UC entitlement, and she definitely has her eye on getting that back. She's repeatedly asked me to 'share' the child benefits with her - let her claim child benefit and child element of UC for at least one of the children, while they all continue to live with me. When I've declined that she's then come back and said I'm leaving her with no other option but to start a custody fight over them. She hasn't had a proper job in all the time I've known her and recently hasn't worked at all, despite being child free all week and having no other commitments.

I would hope that the previous SS assessment of her would prevent her from winning back custody of the kids, but I guess the more time that passes, the more she can claim to be better now. They are now allowed unsupervised contact (the court order stipulates that's at my discretion - should she be (mentally) unwell enough I'm entitled to withdraw contact). Was a bit odd because when SS first stepped in and told me to take full time care of the kids, they said ex could only have supervised contact with them. But in their final report they recommended that she had unsupervised contact at weekends and in school holidays.

I really urge you to find counseling for DD.

A lot of significant issues have occurred in a fairly short period of time, most of them very difficult to process - there are people who send half a lifetime trying to come to terms with the sort of experiences DD has had.