12 week old routine? 2nd baby and feel like a failure again

[UKmumtobe]

I struggled with my first baby and felt like I failed as a mother and I'm doing it a second time and feel just the same.

I just can't get his sleep and routine sorted. I couldnt with my first baby and this time round it's worse as I have my toddler to juggle too. They are both loosing. Neither of them is getting their needs met.

The baby cannot self soothe. Just laying him in his moses or cot results in screaming every single time. So every nap time has to be on the move. It's not sustainable with a toddler in tow.

He goes to bed screaming every night as he's so wired and overtired. I feel like such a rubbish mum as it's my fault he's like that.

How do you teach sleep to a baby when you have a toddler glued to you?
What are your 12 week old routines?
When does this get better :( ?

Thanks xx

Sorry you're having such a hard time . I have a nine month old and a 2 year old, and I really think you need to take the pressure off yourself. You're not a failure at all. It's all totally normal. I'd recommend reading the Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith - I'll make you realise just how normal this is. Most Babies don't self settle unless you leave them to cry, which personally i have not wanted to do. My 9mo still naps in the buggy or on me while toddler watches tv etc. baby has been in your tummy for 9 months...they really can't be expected just to go to sleep in a Moses basket away from you.

The Gentle Sleep Book: Gentle, No-Tears, Sleep Solutions for Parents of Newborns to Five-Year-Olds https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0349405204/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttiNG3PEAFAKTRS6KJNNAJB

You're not a failure, babies can't self soothe, it's absolutely normal for a tiny baby to cry if put down by themselves. Do you know about the 4th trimester?

My 3rd dc is 4 months old/3 months corrected, I pop her in the sling for naps, or feed her to sleep then put her in the buggy or bouncer. At night she sleeps in bed with me. There's no routine other than I get her to nap 1.5-2 hours after she wakes, or less if she seems tired. You're not doing anything wrong at all.

I have a 3 year old and a 12 week old so I feel your pain. Plus my husband is doing 12 hour days so everything is one me at the minute. I’ve really struggled the last few trying to get a routine going and I’ve realised that was probably the cause of my stress. Last week or so I’ve tried to relax more and got the baby to sleep however possible. Pushing in pram in living room or going the park then hopefully stay asleep when we get home. Or if that doesn’t work rocking baby’s and snuggle on sofa with 3 year old to watch a film. It’s so hard and I know I’m not giving either of them what they need but I’m sure the majority of people feel this way when they have a second child. Does your toddler go to nursery? Hang in there it will pass soon

No advice but sending solidarity! DS2.3 and currently feeding my 5 month old to sleep. Never enough time for either. Don't remember bring this rubbish with my first! You're doing great this is really really tough!

I would just stop worrying about trying to get baby into a routine. Or getting them to self settle! 12 weeks is tiny.

Just go with the flow

@anothermamaa thanks. Im just told by other friends or read others say that they "put baby down for a nap". HOW? I'm so confused. My baby screams immediately. I can put him down to sleep? I can I get into a routine if I can't get him to sleep.

It's just really getting my down I feel like everything's such a mess and I don't know how to fix it. My house is a mess, it's never clean, not tidy, I'm eating rubbish, I shower every other day at best, I have no time for anything other than trying to get baby to sleep or deal with my troublesome toddler.

My evenings are spent with an upset baby then I have to sleep as he wakes up multiple times in the night.

I'm worried that I'm spiralling into PND.

I think your expectations are far too high, I don’t know any 12 week old baby who could be put asleep awake in cot for a sleep!

I would follow your older ones routine and the baby has to fit in- lots of sleeping outside in a sling when older one is in the playground etc.

Try and sort out your diet that will make you feel better, you could sort yourself out a packed lunch the night before?

Your in the trenches; it’s bloody hard with a baby and toddler, it gets better!

Agree expectations are too high. Give yourself a break! DS2 lived in a sling for the first 4 months because that was the easiest with a raucous 3yo in tow.

It's so hard isn't it. I've found it best to stick with toddler's routine (she's 21 months) and make sure baby (13 weeks) naps every 75-90 mins or so, whether that's in the pram/sling/on me.
Just this week I've been able to put him in the cot at night, and as long as I hold his arms down to stop them flailing he'll drift off himself pretty quickly, and stay asleep. This is a new thing just this week though. If you'd asked me a fortnight ago I'd never have seen this happening.
They all get there eventually remember! Sending you good wishes.

I have four kids and have never been able to put them down to nap. Naps happen in the sling, or in the buggy, or in the car seat (once they're older, or lying on/next to me having breastfed to sleep.

They also have all slept when they wanted to in the day. I can encourage a nap when it suits me by taking them on a walk in the buggy or breastfeeding them in the dark, but ultimately you can't make a baby sleep!

Remove all pressure, follow baby's lead, and believe me when I say you're not failing. Other people talk about all sorts of things; some true, some not true, and I promise you some are saying the "right" answer because they're too exhausted to remember what actually happened yesterday!

You aren’t failing, you are keeping two tiny humans alive every day- that is utterly epic. Don’t forget that.

As others have said, don’t stress about a perfect routine, try just to follow baby’s lead. Feed/rock/cuddle/sling to sleep. I found from about 6 months my baby was naturally easier to put down in a crib once asleep.

Your 12 week old is normal. Amongst my various friends and relatives with children, there was a wide spectrum of sleep, but I can safely say at 12 weeks only a tiny minority could do the ‘awake but drowsy’ thing for naps, be it DC number 1 or 4. We aren’t supposed to raise children on our own. We should be in big family units who share the load - you aren’t failing, you’ve just been set a near on impossible task to feel like you’re succeeding in.

Abandon the idea of a routine. For the small minority of people who can get their baby on one at a tiny age, I’m sure it works wonders. But for the majority, they just cause self doubt and anxiety. Toddlers thrive on routine, I’d question wether babies, especially newborns, do.

Does your toddler go to nursery at all? On the days you have both, do you get out of the house? So you have family nearby?

I've written a long response to everyone twice now but it's failed to post both time...

I'm a tearful wreck so I won't try again

I'll just say thank you to you all for your positive words. It means a lot

I want to do baby led but he doesn't show any signs of wanting to sleep I have to force him. I'm so tired from lack of sleep at night, going out with both children to the park and a walk fills me with dread.

It's just so hard. Not enjoyable at all.

Bless you... your response to my earlier ost basically describes my situation exactly!! We're renovating as well so my house is an absolute bomb site, but I've resigned myself to the fact that these early months / years are going to be total chaos and that housework is going to fall by the wayside. You're being so hard on yourself. If you can, try to just follow your toddlers routine and let baby nap when they need to in the sling or buggy. As long as they're fed, safe and loved then you're doing amazingly. The tv is on A LOT in my house. And a couple of glasses of wine in the evening doesn't go amiss.

I have suffered with PND so I totally understand your worries. If you're really concerned then talk to tie gp. You'll be eligible for help, they take it very seriously. Do you have a support network?

This morning has been a disaster already
Baby hasn't napped despite me trying him in the bouncer, feeding to sleep, pram rocking or walking outside in the garden.

Toddler isn't dressed or ready for the day as I've been trying to get baby to sleep after doing her breakfast etc. So haven't been able to leave the house to go for a walk.

I just don't understand how to juggle the children and get baby to nap whilst keeping toddler happy.

Am I unlucky that I've got a terrible sleeper?

90% of it is luck, yes. That’s why I’ve decided if we have a second DC we’ll find the money to keep DS in nursery for his 3 days, despite me potentially being at home for 9 months. Wired, sleep fighting, permanently overtired newborns are a wretched experience. Anyway, can you throw some clothes on your toddler and get out now with DC2 in the sling to clear your heads for an hour before lunch?

I’m saying this firmly with my tongue in my cheek as I didn’t take this advice when DS was tiny, but you are absolved of all responsibility. You’ve tried your damn best to get DC2 to nap and it’s not worked - that’s all anyone can ask. You aren’t failing them and you can’t make them sleep. You can only give the conditions for sleep. It sucks when they are a screaming overtired mess in the evening but they won’t remember it - it’s far far worse for you. It won’t be long until they can handle longer periods of awake time and have a more structured day, which made everything better.

Can you dress toddler in front of tv, stick baby in pram and go out for a walk? Mine always dropped off while we went out in the AM. Maybe coincide an outing with baby falling asleep in pram if you can? Go easy on yourself. Things don't have to be perfect. Toddler can watch tv in pjs while you dress the baby etc. Some days in early weeks toddler wasn't even dressed by lunchtime. If you can try not to worry about things having to be a certain way. It's a total free for all in our house !! Just do whatever works. If toddler ends up watching a load of peppa pig it's really fine. Sending

You say put the baby down to sleep, mine would never be actually put down!

I did the following, get up and first of all get yourself and toddler dressed, if possible before partner leaves the house. This won’t take long!

Put baby in a sling so you have hands free to manage the toddler and get everyone breakfast who needs it.

Everyone is then dressed, fed and can go for a walk with baby in the pram to sleep/go in the car to soft play for toddler to run off some energy.

A lot is down to organisation j found. Snacks, nappy bag, spare clothes etc all packed the night before. Breakfast items your clothes etc right down to your pants laid out so dressing is quick and efficient.

Hopefully this gets you out of the house and then in my experience everyone will feel better!!! Baby and toddler groups will give you a social outlet and help both children to socialise and get tired out!

Good luck, you aren’t a failure. I can honestly say neither of mine had a routine or would be put down to sleep, they always slept on the go!

@UKmumtobe just found this thread. How are you getting on OP? You sound like me at the moment in this thread!