Anxiety in 6 year old - when to worry

[Twintrouble1234]

Just after some perspective on my 6year old dc. What does normal anxiety look like? I have one dc that breezes through life and some upsets (eg friendship fallouts) with very little bother but my other dc is up and down like a yoyo! When they settle into something like school or an after school activity, they are absolutely fine - confident, fun loving, often quite good at whatever it is, popular but getting them there is so often a battle. There is definitely some separation anxiety but they also often say their head 'is all over the place' and in a post telling off discussion recently said that their head is just so muddled.
There is so much concern about children's mental health that I just don't want to miss the early warning signs but likewise I don't want to make it worse by blowing it out of proportion. They've always been on the clingier side and school are aware of the separation problem but have only high praise for other aspects of school life so other than getting them there, it's not impacting that. They have recently given up an activity they are really good at as they just sob beforehand. They can't say why - I was allowed to stay with them and once they got into it they loved it but it just became not worth the upset beforehand so in that respect there is an impact on day to day life.
I just want to make sure I'm not missing any huge red flags! I've read some useful cbt type books so am implementing that where I can

It’s tough isn’t it. My dd is eight and I am often going back and forth in my head about her anxiety. It was very visible when she was younger and I wouldn’t say she has grown out of it, but she has learned some coping skills, as have I. But I worry for her future as a he seems to find transitions so hard and is black and white when it comes to justice, and gets worked up/upset and any rule breaking. Equally she is crippled by anxiety if she is late for something. Lots of stuff like that. And yet she loves everything once she is stuck in.

I asked a social worker for help a few years ago, DD must have been about 4 or 5 at the time. She went fine tooth comb though some of my examples, and she gave me some great advice. So in a typical scenario, even the anxiety/negative comments started manifesting. My response was ok, but you will like it when you get there! Remember last week - you came out saying how brilliant it was! And Xyz will be there!” etc (basically talking it up no end).

SW pointed out not to do this.

She said DD was giving me cues earlier than I was picking up, thst she was nervous. And rather than listen, I was going into convince and encourage mode. But instead to try letting her feel ‘heard’.

It made sense; we are always asking our kids to tell us how they feel but then we move on very quickly and package it into a response. So I stopped.

The next time on the way to tennis lessons (when it usually happened, to the point of her crying in the car park raising to go in)… it began in the car.

I’m not sure I want to go…

Do I have to…

So I stared saying… so you feel a bit shy?

Meek replies: yes

That’s ok. It IS a bit scary. Sometimes. I feel shy when I walk into a room too.

Type of thing.

We made an agreement she could hold my had and if she squeezed it hard I was not to go. So we did that. Her giving me little pulses up through her hand. But she was able to walk in and I guess she felt acknowledged that I “got it”.

It changed our world. I was actually shocked at how I think I’m so good at reading cues, and being s good mum, and I wasn’t settling into listening mode with her enough. It has really helped enormously. I had to back offf convincing her and just let her make her statements, with a bit of help.

Sorry by my last para I mean I was making an absolute balls of parenting unbeknownst to myself!

Wow thank you that sounds so much like my child - am definitely guilty of the convincing thing and sometimes I get frustrated too which I'm sure doesn't come across well! The hand squeezing is a good idea too. Thank you, some food for thought

I think the convincing thing backs us both into opposing corners.

Sorry I wrote that post in a big hurry. I sometimes wonder as you say in your opening post, if there is more to be done/I should be doing. And I don’t even know what ‘more’ would look like, but I wonder if I should be equipping her much more. Following your thread with interest. Hopefully more replies from others soon x

@KimDeals has great advice - though it's sometimes hard to stick to as we all naturally want to reassure our child that everything will be OK.

DS14 has been like this his whole life. His anxiety also causes selective mutism which severely affected his education (and rest of his life) as he wouldn't speak to teachers or in a group of children. So we concentrated our efforts on that, and the key thing was baby steps in everything - www.selectivemutism.org.uk/info-planning-and-managing-intervention-with-small-steps-programmes/ is SM-specific but I think most of the techniques apply to anxiety in general. So if a child didn't want to go to a friend's house for a party then step 1 is ask the child to your house for playdate, step 2 is your DC goes to their house for playdate and you stay, step 3 is your DC goes to their house for playdate and you leave, step 4 is playdate with another child as well, etc. It does require cooperation from others though - teachers, other parents, activity leaders etc. I frequently provided them with some web-links to explain what we were trying to do.

What you don't do (and I'm sure you know this) is get cross with them if they won't do something or are in a state about something that seems so innocuous to you. I'd also say though that I've made the mistake too many times of letting DS off doing things (he now won't do any activities out of school and at age 14 it's pretty impossible to make them), whereas I should have at least found a way for him to work towards it.

I should also say that we had advice from an educational psychologist through school (who implemented a step programme with the teachers and TAs that worked brilliantly but we had to be patient) - but if your DC's education isn't being affected then you probably won't be able to get access to that.