Am I the only person in the world who didn’t breastfeed because baby didn’t want to?

[Cafeaulait27]

Hi everyone!

Had my first baby last year and the birth was fine (c section). Baby tried to latch immediately after birth but after that he wasn’t interested. Every time I tried he would close his mouth. I tried for over 24 hours on the ward every 2 hours, but he just didn’t want to despite skin to skin and different midwives coming in to help and doing things to try to wake him up like changing his nappy etc. The thing was he was perfectly awake, he just didn’t want to breastfeed!

As a result I was syringing colostrum I’d hand expressed into his mouth every 2 hours, and had an extremely traumatic night/next day on the boiling hot ward pressing the buzzer for help and midwives not really knowing what to say. It seems like if the latch is incorrect they know how to help but if baby isn’t latching at all they don’t know what to do? I was really upset by the next day after not sleeping at all due to worry about his feeding. Every time I buzzed for help a different midwife would come in and just say ‘skin to skin, rub his nose on your nipple’ and I would do it and he would just get upset but still not latch and they would always leave me while I was trying so when it didn’t work I wouldn’t have anyone to ask what I could do instead. One midwife on rounds said he looked like he was starting to shake and as it had been over 24 hours I needed to give him formula, and did a diabetes test. It was really scary and I remember thinking he was going to die and sobbing. I said I’d tried to ask what to do but midwives kept just telling me to try again and disappearing. I remember waiting for the nurse coming with the formula and just feeling terrified, willing her to hurry up because I thought I was killing my baby by not being able to feed him.

It soon got to the end of the next day and he still wasn’t breastfeeding, I wasn’t getting answers out of anyone on what to do so I eventually said I wanted to formula feed so we could be discharged. I hadn’t slept at all in two days and was so hot and traumatised, I just wanted my baby to be fed.

We’ve done formula feeding ever since and haven’t looked back, but it was met with some family members saying I should maybe ‘try’. I said I have tried but he won’t open his mouth for my boob! He took a bottle fine and has done really well.

I feel like I have some unresolved trauma from what happened to me, I’ve always felt that others think I’m a failure even though I know and my husband knows we did what was best for our baby. Should i follow this up with the hospital for a debrief on what happened? Will that help me get closure on it? I’ve never really understood why it all happened - both him not latching and midwives not suggesting formula earlier or any sort of plan.

However I am very aware they were very short staffed, some midwives had tears in their eyes they were so stressed and wished they could spend more time with each patient.

All of my friends have breastfed, if only for a little while. Am I the only one?!

I do have very small boobs (a-b cup) and never was able to grab a handful and shove it into babies mouth as there just wasn’t enough flesh to grab.

Anyway just wondering if anyone else went through similar, and if I ought to ask the hospital about it? Thanks.

I've got 3 (adult) DC and never breastfed any of them . Never tried , just knew that I didn't want to . I appreciate that breastfeeding is encouraged but back then , I just got asked whether I'd be breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I don't think anyone should be made to feel a failure if they can't or choose not to breastfeed. It was what I wanted and it worked well for me and my babies thrived .

Same here. She would latch perfectly but didn't have a bar of it.

I had no help, was left alone on the ward all night and my midwife said I had to stay in overnight so they could establish breastfeeding but there was no one to be seen. I was quite concerned so about 3am gave her some ready made formula which she gulped and then in the morning the midwife said "oh why have you given her that?" PARDON?

I am quite gutted there was lack of support but he's healthy and doing fine now at 7 months

This happened to my friend. Her baby just wasn't up for it despite having lots of support. Her second baby breastfed just fine without her doing anything different.

Nhs support can be really patchy and it sounds like you had a tough time. It also sounds like its playing on your mind. Why not try asking for a debrief and see if it helps? What is stopping you asking for one now?

Sorry not a direct answer to your question but writing this in case someone else is struggling and would still like to try breastfeeding.

At one point, my breasts were too full and nipples weren’t hard enough for the baby to latch on but he took bottle well. I then tried nipple shields and he was happy to breastfeed with them. They’re a bit inconvenient, so wanted to stop using them too. I got rid of the shields gradually. After a few sucks through the shields, the nipples were harder, so I detached the baby with my finger, removed the shield and he then happily latched on to the real boob when he continued eating.

Sorry forgot to say that it got to a point where the baby was refusing the breast because he was waiting for the bottle, so I had to “fool” him with the shields.

There is a book by Amy Brown called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, that might be helpful to you? She writes about this kind of thing and you are definitely not alone.

Thank you everyone. I think I’ve not spoken to the hospital so far because I couldn’t process it fully in my mind, and couldn’t fully work out what it was that was upsetting me, despite telling lots of people I feel like whenever I talk about it with people I just end up rambling and get confused about what the hell happened. What I wrote above has actually been really helpful in helping me make sense of it! I think I will go to the hospital now and ask for a debrief.

I think what bothered me is that formula was only offered when it was a medical emergency and baby was literally shaking. And I was made to feel like I failure when the midwife noticed it and offered some, but I was trying to tell her that id been asking for help from the get go as he wasn’t feeding but they just kept saying the same thing about skin to skin and then leaving without even checking to see if he’d latched or not! By the next day I would ring the buzzer and no one would come for half an hour or more. Part of me has always wondered - was that due to staffing or did no one want to come to me as they didn’t know how to help me?

Ive never been that bothered about breastfeeding tbh, but wanted to try. Switching to formula was fine for me in my head and my husbands, but it was everyone else that made me feel bad about it.

@BertieBotts thank you I will check this out. Sounds really useful

@26dX that’s it! They said I had to stay until I was feeding but yet when I tried no midwives stayed long enough to see him not latch.

I would think that proper care would be to stay with me trying different techniques and then if it’s clear he wasn’t going to latch, to then suggest formula so he at least gets something.

I wonder if my hospital is so pro breastfeeding that they aren’t allowed to suggest it, or if it’s like this nationwide?

Every time I managed to get a midwife in I would say ‘it’s been x amount of hours and he’s only had x mls of colostrum from a syringe, he just won’t latch’ and they would just suggest skin to skin, nose to nipple and then bugger off.

Me!

Almost identical situation to me. No support given from midwives, like you I was assisted for 5 mins then left alone for hours on the ward. Not their fault, understaffed and just so busy so I don’t blame them, but I was angry they advocate breastfeeding, really push it, but don’t then actually support it despite saying they will always support you! I didn’t sleep for 2 days, and by didn’t sleep, I mean I really didn’t sleep, 45mins-an hour maybe each day. Made me very poorly which affected milk supply as well. Vicious cycle. I was told I could offer formula BUT it would mean baby was then unlikely to be satisfied with breast milk. This really upset and worried me so I put off using it and kept trying for hours on end. Combination feeding was never suggested, nor was pumping. I turned to google for help but there is so much info and lots of different ways to do it and in my exhausted state I just didn’t know what to do or when. Ended up fully formula feeding when actually, I could have bottle fed breast milk, or breast fed a bit and bottle fed a bit.
I was really unwell after birth and once all that had been sorted and settled down, I did ask for a formal review of my care and the breastfeeding issues/lack of support. It helped me a lot, helped me accept some of what had happened and helped me accept it enough to have closure on it. So if you want to go down the route, I would. I’ve learnt a lot for if I have another baby, and my baby now is happy and healthy. It’s so hard going through it at the time, but it’s ok to accept the trauma and then leave it in the past.

I had a similarity experience. I was told it was because of the csection. In all honesty I was pumped full of drugs before birth (I'd been inducted and given diamorphine then been in labour for 12 hours before the section) and was out of it afterwards. So it's not surprising DS was too!

I got sick to death of MW trying to hand express me and demanded formula after 24 hours. I then got a MW telling me it was better to BF and I should keep on expressing. She got shot down in flames quickly.

DD couldn't/wouldn't latch for six weeks. I expressed and she did manage to latch on eventually and then breastfed till she was 1, but it took a lot of perseverance and time spent pumping, trying her on breast every day, etc. And I had to do most of my research about pumping and expressing myself as the hospital support wasn't really set up for a baby who wouldn't latch at all. It was only when I paid for a lactation consultant who told me that her mouth was most likely just too small and she needed to grow (and that's what did happen).

Definitely needs to be more help re: combi feeding. The all breast or nothing approach most surely put off more women than it helps. A lovely midwife in hospital with DD eventually suggested combi feeding and said plenty of women do it, so we topped up with formula until my supply picked up.

Oh and I'm expecting DD2 later this year and feel much more equipped to deal with it now so will top up with formula from the start if I get another non-latcher!

@ShleepyMumma thank you this is helpful! Same, when I say I didn’t sleep in 2 days I really didn’t. Not even 10 minutes! How could I sleep when my baby wasn’t feeding?! Totally agree, they are so pro breastfeeding but if anyone struggles they don’t know what to suggest. Even the expert who was on the ward for a bit didn’t help me.

I feel like they don’t suggest formula because they think if they do all women will jump at it and not bother with breastfeeding. It’s a rule probably thought up by a man who thinks women aren’t capable of making balanced decisions. Im sure lots of women in my situation would take the formula when needed but then still try breastfeeding if that’s what they wanted.

Ds1 just didn't want to. I saw FIVE breastfeeding consultants and they all said it was flat out breast-refusal on his part. No matter what I, or they, did, he wasn't interested. I continued to try for six weeks whilst expressing, but the problem there was that he got used to getting his milk from a bottle and therefore was even less interested in actual breastfeeding. Eventually a lovely NCT breastfeeding advisor, who had seen me try for hours and days and saw how distressing it was for me and my baby, gave me permission to stop. I put it like that because I don't think I would have stopped trying myself.

I've simplified the whole story here but I was absolutely devastated about it. I cried more over than that I had over anything in my life.

When DS2 arrived I was still so traumatised (they are close in age), that when he refused to feed and they wheeled in the breast pump on the hospital ward, I literally got dressed and told them I was going home. He had formula from day one basically. I felt no guilt about it, I couldn't have repeated the whole thing again.

With my third baby I decided that I would try and if she didn't want to then that was it. But she was interested and although I had to use nipple shields I got to breastfeed her.

I think it was an anatomical thing with me. All three of my children had tongue ties and all had to get them snipped. I also have small boobs and flat nipples which made it really difficult to latch. With my second baby his tongue was so tied that when he went to the hospital to get it snipped she said she was surprised that I could even bottle feed him, it was tied at the very front so it looked forked!

There are lots of reasons probably but I've made my peace with it all now, I hope you do too OP. It's nothing you've done wrong and it doesn't make you a failure, which is what I thought. As they get older (DS1 is 6) you move on from the breastfeeding worries and start worrying about other things, then it fades a bit into just part of your past.

Dd1 didn't have any interest in breastfeeding. She took to the bottle with ease however. It didn't bother me in the slightest-I just wanted her to be happy and not hungry.

Nope not just you OP

I have 3 DC and i remember vividly with my eldest trying my hardest to get them to latch, wasnt having any of it.
I think at the time i was so determined to "follow what the book/MW/health visitor says" much to the detriment of myself and i became extremely ill with PND. I didnt trust my own judgement, which looking back i should have.

With my middle and youngest i took my own formula to the hospital and was alot more prepared to stick to my guns as it were. They did send the "breastfeeding lady" as they called her, but i politely declined

My children are 7, 5 and 3 months and are happy and thriving.
As PP said it fades and becomes apart of your past

DS1 didn't latch at all. I'd get a boob out and he'll fall asleep at the sight of it. Midwives were no help whatsoever - they didn't help but we weren't allowed to leave because he hadn't latched so I just told them we were formula feeding him and we were leaving. Discharge papers done in less than an hour.

DS2 did latch but it went wrong at home and I couldn't keep going through the pain. Again no help from midwives.

Post natal support is often appalling.

No, my DD looked appalled at the suggestion! Even the breastfeeding midwife agreed it wasn't going to happen. DD is now a healthy 16 year old.

My DD1 was a breast refuser- never latched on- and I was pretty traumatised by not being able to be discharged without this happening- weirdly noone even suggested formula - just nose to nipple, skin on skin etc- I'm normally a sensible rational person but the sleep deprivation and hormones stopped me from giving her a bottle and getting on with it for much longer than should have been the case. Dc2 and Dc3 were both breastfed - no idea what was different but they just popped out and latched on. all births were very similar and no drugs for any.

You could possibly also look at a debrief with an IBCLC. I am not that sure that the hospital would be able to help as it sounds like they didn't know at the time either.

My only (not very educated) guess is that he was simply tired from the birth and just wanted to sleep at first. Then he may have become upset with repeated attempts to latch and it put him off perhaps?

DS1 didn't latch immediately and I worried about it but the midwives said just to try again later as it had been a long labour. We got transferred to the ward and both fell asleep immediately and I woke up six hours later in a panic thinking he must be starving, but again I got a very calm midwife who helped me latch him on. I could only do it lying down and I was lucky she was willing/able to help me with that too. We were stuck with lying down for the first few days but that was the only problem that we had.

I later did some breastfeeding training and learned that their blood sugars are fairly stable for some hours after birth and it can be completely normal for some babies not to feed immediately, but nobody had told me that before he was born.

DS2 also didn't latch straight away but then had to be taken off for oxygen and then transferred to another hospital. I asked to feed him first and he latched fine then. I assumed because of this prior knowledge that that would be enough for him for a few hours and I could get transferred to that hospital too, but that didn't happen and he was tube/bottle fed for 24 hours until I could get back to him. I was able to mixed feed him but it did disrupt my supply quite badly.

DS3 was the only one who latched straight away and I tried the "breast crawl" with him when he was a few days old and that worked too. That was fascinating, not an experience I'd had before. I do think there must be some delicate instinctual/hormonal processes at work and if these get interrupted somehow then it makes initiating breastfeeding much harder. I wonder how our typical experiences of birth potentially mess up these processes.

I also wonder whether that first latch immediately after birth for you might have been more of a laid-back nursing (aka biological nurturing or the breast crawl) as this can be more instinctive for some babies than the cradle hold which is likely what you would have been shown in hospital, it tends to be the only feeding position they teach.

My oldest DC wouldn’t even wake up long enough to look at a breast or a bottle and was four days old before they had even a sip of milk, and that was from me dripping it in by forcing and shoving the bottle nipple into the mouth. No desire to suck whatsoever and never opened their mouth as a newborn, not to cry, not to latch, nothing. Don’t get me wrong there was lots of crying but it was all done with a grumpy downturned lip and nothing with a wide open mouth.

I had no help with feeding whatsoever. No access to a midwife, even an overworked one. No internet and only occasionally a phone. I had a book about breastfeeding but it was all describing how to latch when baby opened their mouth but mine never did.

I mean they did eventually as an older baby but still relied on basically shoving a bottle nipple past their lips for a significant number of months.

I had the opposite problem. The baby was willing but my boobs wouldn’t make any milk! I think sometimes it just doesn’t work. There are two individuals involved and lots of systems that have to coincide and sometimes it just doesn’t. No one’s fault. Thank goodness we have bottles and formula.

I had a lot of pressure to breastfeed in hospital and I was doing my best, awake all night for nearly a week but no dice! There was a lot of insistence that it would work if I kept trying from the midwives. It was the breast feeding consultant volunteer who when the baby was observed to drink a large quantity of formula, said to me, well, you can’t compete with that can you? I think she was surprised considering it was nearly a week after birth and my milk hadn’t come in. And yet I overheard many other women having trouble, baby not interested, not latching on properly/ for long enough, no milk. So I don’t know why the staff seem ‘surprised’ or non plussed, problems must be incredibly common.

I’m sorry you had those experiences. My ‘baby’ is nearly 22 and I can talk about it with equanimity now. I didn’t feel guilty, it’s the actions and reactions of those around that caused the damage. I’d have got a lot more sleep and baby would have been happier. I’d have got the heck out of that awful ward a hell of a lot quicker. Basically, other people don’t know. They weren’t there, they don’t understand. They are following the party line. Ignore them, you know what went on.

My next baby, I left the post natal ward as quick as I possibly could, knowing I would sort out the feeding, either way, myself. I tried breastfeeding again, same problem, very little milk and verrry painful, so she went on the bottle. I tried to express but was barely covering the bottom of a tiny bottle so I stopped that too. Both children are absolutely fine. It made no difference in the final analysis.