what am I doing wrong?

[orangehead]

Just got back from shopping with 2ds. Ds2 aged four, five in may, as usual kept running off. The first two times I told him off and told him he would end up in the trolley if he did it again. He did it again to which I promptly put him in the trolley. This resulted in full screaming fit, shouting I was an evil mummy and he didnt like me. I told him screaming and calling me names was unacceptable and that if he carried on he would be sent to his bedroom when he got home. To which he started screaming, 'no no dont want to go to bed, evil mummy', so I told him to stop screaming and be nice then he wont have to go to bed. He screamed 'sorry' at me then was quiet for about 10 secs then started screaming he wanted to get out again. So I told him calmly but firmly he is being sent to his room when we get home. To which he started screaming even more. I told him if he carried on screaming he would stay in his room for 7 mins (usually he gets sent for 4 mins). He carried on screaming and throwing insults at me and now trying to punch me. So I said right you will stay for 7 mins. He screamed even more, again I warned if he carried on it would be longer. This carried on till bedroom time was then 10 mins and then 15mins. This is quite usual with him, most of the time he is a lovely boy but once he gets something in his head he goes off on one and they is now resoning with him. I can tell him if you do this , this will happen and it makes no difference.
Am I doing it wrong, or is he just really stubborn or does he have a problem understanding? Please help

Ignore as much as you can in the first instance and not get drawn in. Sometimes works with ds

DS1 does this sometimes and he's 3!!! We've found the best way is to set the punishment and stick to it so in this case if he carried on he was in the trolley and that was that, anything else was ignored and I would carry on as normal trying to involve him in the shopping as usual. Escalating the punishment just makes his behavior worse. We also found that punishment had to be immediate (couldn't threaten with soemthing later like go to room or take certain toys away) as usually by the time we get home all is well again and then you're faced with the dilema of putting a happy resolved child through a punishment and starting a new battle.
There's a point at which kids lose the ability to reason and calm themselves down and they need your help to come back down from a tantrum. For us this usually involves ignoring bad behavior and carrying on as normal. you may get some nasty looks, mainly from old women though so be prepared
hth
phee

www.tesco.com

Going to supermarkets with small children is really fun if you are going for 2 or 3 items, including something they really want, and maybe you grab some milk as you go by.

If children are engaged and enthusiastic with the whole I-challenge-you-to-find-some-eggs-and-find-us-in-aisle-9 game then go for it.

If children are into sitting in the trolley seat and counting oranges, then go for it.

But if the children would rather be in the park, take them to the park and do the main grocery shopping on the internet!

If you can't make it playful and fun for everyone, why go shopping with children at all?

NB I'm not advocating Tesco over Sainsburys or anything, it's just that Tesco came to mind first so I put their URL in...

I guess once you've issued the threat you do always follow through?

I think you do have to STOP responding when he screams at you.

From what you have said everytime he screamed, you asked him to stop, threatened him, tried to reason. n other words, his screaming got your attention focussed on him.

Tell him ONCE that you won't respond to him shouting at you, name calling etc.

Then carry on with what you are doing. If he screams/shouts, then ignore it. Only respond if he puts himself in danger (trying to climb out of trolly etc.) at which point you put him back in, with minimal eye contact.

IME boys do hate shopping tho' . Will he take any interest in helping you to find the things on the list, help get them off the shelves etc. Can you take a toy or book he'll look at in the trolly while you go round?

Thanks for the responses. The account was a little shortened as when I first put him in the trolley I did ignore for a while, but perhaps need to try just ignoring. Agree that my response definnetly escalated things. I also agree about immediate punishment but in my defence I live literally 10 secs walk from the supermarket, he scraeming carried on till got home.
Never had any of this with ds1, I know that all children different but hard to know what to do when they are so different