I've lost "me"

[rundown30]

NC as I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about this.

DS1 is 6, DS2 11 months and I love them to pieces, as we all do. But.....I can't help finding myself resenting motherhood.

When covid hit I was put on furlough, and shortly after, after a long time of trying, we finally fell pregnant with DS2. Near the end of my pregnancy I was made redundant and although worried about the future, I couldn't help but be happy knowing I wasn't tied to a "maternity leave" and could spend more time with my little boys.

fast forward two years and I'm completely lost. I'm not me anymore, I'm just mum and DW. At first I thought it was just adjusting to a new baby, but now it's causing issues in every area of my life. I just hate who I am now. I love being a mum and a wife, but I miss having that time of just being me - even at work. I've always had a job since I was 15, so going two years without earning my own money and depending on DH (who is an absolute angel and never ever makes me feel a burden or as if I'm not contributing) is getting me down, plus the lack of routine really.

Everyone in my family says DS2 is too young to be at nursery and I'll regret it for the rest of my life that I didn't take up the opportunity to be a SAHM for longer. But I can't help but think going back to work even part time will improve a lot of things, I'll be more patient with my boys, a more loving partner, a more sociable friend, a better sister/daughter. At the moment I'm completely stuck in a rut and my depression has creeped up on me.

I know childcare costs an absolute fortune, god knows I don't miss paying £600+pm on a nursery. But I can't help but think it's not selfish of me to want some consistent time away from it all, and it would improve things. To be more independent, to be able to save, to be able to be more than just mum/wife (which I do love)

Has anyone else felt this? Or currently going through it? What can I do to help? Or am I being stupid? I'm just so tired of feeling...not me

Both of mine went to nursery from 13 months because I needed to work for my own mental health/sense of self. I went back 3 days a week to start with which seemed like a good compromise. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself as well as a wife and mother. Men get to do it so why shouldn't we?

I feel the same, although I’m slightly different circumstances.

Mine are 5 and 3. Eldest is in school, youngest in nursery and I work part time.

I love going out and meeting other people. Having adult chat with work colleagues and being myself.

However, I also feel like if I’m at work lots getting everything done then I’m failing at home as stuff gets dropped or my husband does more cooking etc. But if I go home on time then I feel like I’m failing work as I’m more stressed and get behind.

I thought I had a really good balance and have been happy but the last 6 months have been much harder.

I think that everyone has an opinion but you need to do what works for you. “You can’t pour from any empty cup” so if going out working will make you happier there is nothing wrong with that! Both mine were in 2 days a week nursery by 11 months and they are both fine. Some kids do more, some less. Depends on what works for the family.

You're not being stupid. Put your son into nursery and get yourself a job. He will be absolutely fine - thousands of children are in nursery at 6 months, many younger. Prioritising yourself and your own well-being is important. As mothers we don't have to be martyrs and if you are happy, your baby will be happy. Worst case scenario, if you realise you've made a mistake, you can just hand your notice in and go back to being a SAHM? Good luck!

Unless until both mother and child are happy, being together is not that beneficial. The carers (mums) need time of too. Please kick away mother’s guilt and don’t think too much about putting your DS2 in nursery. When you are more relaxed and have had some time away from kids everyday, your time together would become more precious and enjoyable.

I work 3 days a week and did when my DS was 9 months, he spends some days with grandparents and some in nursery, I am going back full time when he is 2. Please don’t feel guilty about wanting to go to work, I adore my DS but I also like going to work, it’s nice to miss him and plan lovely things for our time together, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be a SAHP, I couldn’t cope it would drive me demented. Ideally I’d like to stay 3 days, but for financial reasons I need to be full time and I’m ok with that (I’m a teacher so will at least have holidays!)

You sound ready to go back to work. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Why not look for something 3 days a week? Or if you have a skill that could be adapted to consultancy/WFH, do that three days a week, allowing yourself flexible time to pick DC up etc. And at very least make sure your partner is home in time at least once if not twice a week, for you to do something you really enjoy - exercise, skill upgrading for work, an evening class you really care about.

DH and I had a rule when we went on dates that we wouldn;t talk about DC. It was hard but it ade us do stuff like go to a show and then for a drink to discuss the show, just so we stopped that erosion of self.

Thank you all so much for your replies and lovely words - they mean the world.

I feel like I'm definitely ready to go back, it's just finding something that will fit around childcare and be worth while financially. And I definitely need to stop paying attention to people who say I shouldn't/I'd regret it/he's too young.

I've completely lost myself and I'm keen to get on top of things again as MH is such a slippery slope - especially for me.

Thank you all again, hearing your experiences and how you did things has really helped xx