Feeling lost

[Amummyx]

Bit of a random one but just need to rant.
Me and my DP have been together 6 years, have a 7mo baby boy and 5 months ago brought our first house which we are still currently renovating. It's been HARD. We are both only 22, my birth was awful (6 day induction, 23hour labour & other complications with myself needed surgery straight after birth etc) and it's been a huge shock to both of us. On top of this trying to fully renovate a house on a small budget and doing it ourselves (mainly DP) and we are both finding it massively overwhelming. I haven't slept through the night since the middle of my pregnancy and am shattered. My partner is At work mon-Friday then going to the house to do works every evening and weekend so we don't see eachother.
We are both arguing a lot, admittedly I am miserable with him and pushing to get the house done when I know he can only do so much and I'm trying not to but really struggling, we live with my grandparents atm who are in their 60s and can be very judgmental and controlling. I feel like everything has made me find motherhood not enjoyable which makes me so sad for my little boy although I love him so so much I just struggle. I never got help for my pnd so think it's still lingering and some days I just can't cope but I don't like telling people how I feel and just plod on with it even though I'll spend days and nights sobbing. I'm praying when the house is finished and we are in it'll get better but just feels so out of reach. I just don't know what to do I feel so lost and just needed to get it off my chest.

That sounds really tough it's not surprising you are struggling. Do you have an end date in sight? I would find it very hard living with family with a young child. I'd try to get out as much as you can in day and plead tiredness on a night to get sometime for yourself. If things are feeling too hard maybe consider going doctors for mental health. If there's anyone else you can stop with I'd consider it in the short team. Even tho it's hard I'd try not to fight with oh, your a team you need to be on same side.

No date yet, still a fair amount to do! And the stress of money is a big issue at the moment in our relationship, I am going back to work in April full time which will mean working from home with a 9 months old and I'm hoping it'll go okay. I do have help from the rest of my family, my parents are amazing but work and I have younger siblings so I don't like to put pressure on them and get anxious of being a burden.
I have tried a number of times to speak to my GP, in which I get told everybody is feeling down and anxious in the world we live in now and I've just had a baby what do I expect pretty much but not offered anything to help.
My partner is so amazing but he is working all day and then going to a dark and cold empty house every evening and it is draining him. He has sundays off which is nice but goes so quickly and is not as chilled with a baby who is crawling and it's my day to get stuff done since he is home to help.
Sorry I don't want to sound ungrateful for what we have but i do just feel overwhelmed

Pretty much! My mum is around 2 days a week to help, she works in care so can help on her days off and apart from that I'm relying on getting work done when he naps, and when he goes to bed but it is fairly flexible as long as I get a reasonable amount of work done, my manager is pretty understanding having worked through lockdown at home with two young children.
I do think I will struggle, and if I felt I had a choice I wouldn't be going back so soon but we really really need the money as every penny we have has gone into removing the house and we had to borrow money from DP's family because we run out

We are hoping the house will be finished before I go back to work, in which my DP will be home after work around 4ish and can take over with our little boy and dinner so I can get work done. I do feel like I'm going to struggle going back to work full time but they don't offer part time and we are really desperate for the money.
I just feel like I'm failing at being a mum, I do a lot of the organising of stuff for the house so ordering everything making sure plumbers/electricians and others are there and get paid so it distracts me from spending time playing with my LO. So god knows how ill feel going back to work:(
My partner is really helpful where he can be but I think we are both knackered and he does jobs half hearted whereas I don't so I just don't bother asking him anymore to do things. I let him lay in on a Sunday, he doesn't do night feeds anymore since getting the house. My LO is very clingy to me where we spend all our time together, I have lots of mum friends but none of them really want to go out on our own to get a break whereas I feel like I'm desperate for it. The only break I get is when someone watches him whilst I run errands or to the supermarket.
I don't want to get resentful, I appreciate him so much but I'm so run down and miserable that as soon as he comes home I'm near enough asleep at 8/9pm or I'm snappy with him for no reason.
I just feel stuck!! I also don't really talk to anyone about how I feel as my family have always judged me if I tell them how I'm feeling or told me how I should feel, hence why posting on here.
Thank you for replies x