How to keep going?

[RiceRiceBaby16]

Hi all. I suppose I am just desperate for some advice, connection, or just solidarity. I am a FTM to a 16 week baby boy. DP works from home so he is very present and helpful. But we are struggling a lot. Having such a difficult time getting DS to nap in the day and feels like we have tried everything. And when he doesn’t nap, he gets really upset and cries a lot. Nap time almost always means tears. Sometimes he will be up for 5-6hrs at a time! He gets a total of about 9-10hrs of sleep in 24hrs. He doesn’t like being in the buggy, carrier or car seat. Unless we put him in there when he’s already asleep and immediately start moving, even then he often wakes up after 10mins. When we manage to get him to sleep at home (rocking and carrying him can take anywhere from 15mins to an hour or more) he sleeps on us. Which I am happy with, as long as he sleeps! Even then, he often wakes after 20mins, 45mins at best. I am just worried he’s not getting enough rest, and I can see how grumpy he gets. He’s generally a very smiley baby and laughs a lot already. If he manages to let’s say nap for an hour, he will be in the best mood!

We’ve tried soothing him as soon as we see his sleepy cues but not much helps. Tried huckleberry app sweet spot method. Dark room, white noise, light room, washing machine on, lullabies, singing, you name it.

Also when we go out, we have to carry him in our arms most of the time since he won’t go in buggy or carrier. We take turns carrying him. This also means I cannot go anywhere on my own with baby - not even for a walk! As I’ll manage 20mins or so before my arms get sore, and can’t carry any other items with him in my arms. So if DP isn’t home, I am stuck at home. Will this ever change? Since he was born I’ve managed just 2 walks on my own with him, a few weeks ago when he was less fussy and would sleep in the buggy.

Our days are simply us trying to help him to nap, getting some play time in before the overtiredness kicks in, and then the same again. We’ve just spent 2hrs taking turns trying to get him to have his morning nap. When we go out, he usually doesn’t nap as everything is so stimulating and exciting for him, now I have anxiety going anywhere with him since he will get tired and cry and there’s not much chance I can get him to sleep when we are not home.

I would love to just go for a walk to the park with baby, or pop to the local shop for a few things when needed. Meet a friend in a coffee shop, or attend a local baby group. But it’s impossible with always having to carry him, and if it’s nap time he will most likely be grumpy and cry. Did anyone else experience anything like this, and did it get better in terms of naps / going out with baby? I can’t even meet my friends unless they come over or I do. And that is rare since it’s stressful - it gets to baby’s nap time and back to the relentless rocking and soothing. I am just trapped in this cycle. We have no help either as our families live abroad, and not many close friends. Night time isn’t easy either but I am coping with that and gotten used to the frequent wake ups. The days are the hardest. I wake up and usually wonder how I am going to make it through another day of this. I had no idea it would be this hard and isolating. I know DP and I have each other and I’m so grateful for that, but we don’t get any quality time together. We take turns eating whilst the other plays with / rocks baby. If he’s had a good nap he will happily lay and play and coo to himself for about 20mins.

Overall I am just concerned about DS getting so little sleep at his age. I just look at him and think - you are so tired- we are trying so hard. Why won’t you fall asleep sorry this post is all over the place.

Even answering a phone call from a family member is barely possible! Usually when my sisters or mum calls I am either rocking him or he’s sleeping on me, or I am playing with him so my attention has to be on him. It’s just so isolating to not be able to do these simple things. When DP is with DS I take that as a Chance to eat / cook / shower have a quick clean up around the house

We went through exactly the same thing with our little boy a few weeks ago - when he was around 10-11 weeks (now 14 weeks). He was sleeping fairly well at night (10-11 hours with 1-2 feeds) but not napping well during the day at all so he was chronically overtired and just conking out by the end of the day. Some things that helped us to remedy the over tiredness initially were rocking him to sleep in a stretchy wrap - to maximise skin to skin, baby would just wear a nappy/vest and I would just wear a bra under the stretchy wrap. This seemed to calm him enough to fall asleep with less screaming. Sometimes I would have to walk around the house or rock him for his whole nap (often this would only be one sleep cycle of 45 mins). Driving for an hour plus in the car was another thing that worked. It was really unpleasant but after a few days of doing this to ensure as much daytime sleep as possible, we seemed to get over the over-tiredness and he started to fall asleep for his day time naps more easily. Another thing I realised during this time was that he needed to be physically tired out between his naps. It wasn’t enough for him to just spend his awake time in the bouncy chair or under the mobile - I needed to do physical activity with him such as tummy time, practising rolling over (he holds my fingers while he rolls as can’t do it independently yet), sitting in his bumbo chair to practise trunk control etc. This is obviously mixed in with other less physical activities such as sensory play, music time etc and time under his mobile or lying watching me fold the laundry etc but one physical activity per awake time really helped. Now we have remedied the initial over-tiredness, the Huckleberry app actually works for us in terms of predicting nap time and we now have calm cuddle time 10 minutes before his nap then he will either go to sleep nursing or with his dummy. Most of his naps are still contact naps or in the pushchair/car but I’m trying not to worry too much about that at this stage!

Just to add - baby now has 4-5 naps per day, his morning ones are often shorter (30-60 mins) and he will have a longer nap of of 1.5-2 hours in the afternoon. His bedtime is still fairly late (9pm ish) but he sleeps until 8am with 1-2 feeds and easily settles back to sleep after feeding. Our life is still very similar to yours at the minute in that it is so difficult to get anything done - one of us is always holding baby but I guess that doesn’t last forever and I will probably miss it when he is too big to need that anymore!

Have you tried just one carrier, and what kind of carrier is it?

Are you letting him cry a little bit?

For example, if you put him in the buggy when he's tired and set off for a walk. How long do you give him before you pick him up and try something else? Are you giving him enough time to actually settle and fall asleep?

Try a sling for walks if he prefers being held.

Try a dummy if he doesn't have one ready.

Does he fall asleep while feeding?

A huge dose of solidarity. I feel like I’m reading about my DS 1.5 years ago. First things first, it really won’t be like this forever. Even if you do nothing, it will get better. I remember so so well the feeling of being absolutely trapped - 50% due to screamy baby who desperately needed sleep but wouldn’t sleep anywhere but my arms in a dark room…and 50% due to his extreme hatred of pram/carrier/car seat (also wanted to be carried in arms everywhere). I literally didn’t understand how to parent on my own - if my DH hadn’t been home I would have sunk without trace. It was utterly relentless. Parenting him now is easy peasy in comparison!

No real advice on sleep. IME, newborn to 6 or so months is the Wild West, especially 4-5 months. He’s not going to be damaged long term by crap, short naps and overtiredness. I honestly think its a phase you have to survive. Sarah Ockwell Smith has a great article on it: sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/08/29/help-my-4-5-month-old-is-sleeping-like-a-newborn-again-aka-as-the-4-5-month-old-babies-from-hell/ . I found naps got better from about 8 months onwards - he needed to be eating and moving basically and then we fell into a nice routine and he started napping in the cot, which was beyond unimaginable at 4 months.

More generally, have you changed from the bassinet to the buggy attachment on your pram? We did at about 4.5 or 5 months. It wasn’t a miracle cure for us, but DS tolerated it a bit longer - enough I could get round the block. By 6 months he was happy in it and by 8 months he would occasionally nap in it (but I had to be moving at all times, no parking up and sitting back for us!)

Secondly, you aren’t far off him being able to forward face in the sling. Now that was a game changer for us. DS loved it. He could see the world whilst still being ‘held’. I used to walk miles like that (so shoot me!) Does your carrier facilitate this?

Just thinking, DS would often scream in the carrier, but I’d set off outside and within minutes he’d be asleep (never did in the pram - he’d scream for 2h straight in there). Have you tried just pushing through his upset and seeing what happens?

Just to reiterate it will get better!

OP this sounds really tough, agree with what PP said about the buggy, have you given him chance to settle in there? What kind of buggy is it? How big is DS? Maybe you could put him in the bigger seat and let him sit on a slight incline, then recline him when he falls asleep if he’s in the carrycot bit, he might prefer that? Also agree with trying different carriers, could you visit a sling library and try out some different ones? Xx

Also, just to follow on from my post, it eventually will get super easy to go out with him. He sounds so similar to my DS - desperate to see the world and drank in stimulation by the bucket…but just couldn’t handle it as a small baby and didn’t know how to switch off, leading to mega overstimulation and overtiredness. Needed to be held at all times for comfort against all the stimulation. As DS has got older and older it’s just got easier and easier. It’s a little skewed for us due to various lockdowns, but by 9 or so months I was always looking for places to take him. We were always at groups or the park or swimming or cafes as he just loved being busy busy. I think this would have happened far sooner if it wasn’t for covid. We still joke he has no off switch, but it’s just so so much better. I wish I could give you a proper hug and tell you all this in person because I remember the absolute desperation I felt at your stage!

What kind of carrier are you using ?

I had babies like that and they responded well to a stretchy sling as it's very snug and womb like. I wore dc3 in a sling during my waking hours until 20 weeks and it allowed me to look after the other 2 hands free

He would not go into a pram until he was weaned because he had reflux and a flat position was uncomfortable. By then he could be in a more upright position which helped massively.

Lots of hugs, and - it's such a difficult time but it does get better.

Thank you all so so much for the replies. I am now reading through and already have spotted some great tips and feel generally not as alone anymore ❤️

@HedgerowRobin

We went through exactly the same thing with our little boy a few weeks ago - when he was around 10-11 weeks (now 14 weeks). He was sleeping fairly well at night (10-11 hours with 1-2 feeds) but not napping well during the day at all so he was chronically overtired and just conking out by the end of the day. Some things that helped us to remedy the over tiredness initially were rocking him to sleep in a stretchy wrap - to maximise skin to skin, baby would just wear a nappy/vest and I would just wear a bra under the stretchy wrap. This seemed to calm him enough to fall asleep with less screaming. Sometimes I would have to walk around the house or rock him for his whole nap (often this would only be one sleep cycle of 45 mins). Driving for an hour plus in the car was another thing that worked. It was really unpleasant but after a few days of doing this to ensure as much daytime sleep as possible, we seemed to get over the over-tiredness and he started to fall asleep for his day time naps more easily. Another thing I realised during this time was that he needed to be physically tired out between his naps. It wasn’t enough for him to just spend his awake time in the bouncy chair or under the mobile - I needed to do physical activity with him such as tummy time, practising rolling over (he holds my fingers while he rolls as can’t do it independently yet), sitting in his bumbo chair to practise trunk control etc. This is obviously mixed in with other less physical activities such as sensory play, music time etc and time under his mobile or lying watching me fold the laundry etc but one physical activity per awake time really helped. Now we have remedied the initial over-tiredness, the Huckleberry app actually works for us in terms of predicting nap time and we now have calm cuddle time 10 minutes before his nap then he will either go to sleep nursing or with his dummy. Most of his naps are still contact naps or in the pushchair/car but I’m trying not to worry too much about that at this stage!

This all started at about 11 weeks for us! So 4-5 weeks in now and I’m going crazy. Glad to hear it got better for you ! I have the moby wrap sling. I will do more skin to skin, I definitely have not been doing that enough. And a good reminder to get him more active during awake time. Perhaps I am not allowing him to kick about enough.

@Garman

Have you tried just one carrier, and what kind of carrier is it?

The moby wrap. I am going to try the ergobaby, baby Bjorn or tula carriers as he’s not liking the wrap anymore since he’s been about 10 weeks old

@NuffSaidSam

Are you letting him cry a little bit?

For example, if you put him in the buggy when he's tired and set off for a walk. How long do you give him before you pick him up and try something else? Are you giving him enough time to actually settle and fall asleep?

Try a sling for walks if he prefers being held.

Try a dummy if he doesn't have one ready.

Does he fall asleep while feeding?

I cannot stand to let him cry, as the cries seem to quickly become screams and then literally choking :( No luck with our current sling so will try a new one that’s different. In terms of falling asleep when feeding - sometimes he does, but that is 50/50, I find that he has to be hungry so the timing of the hunger and nap doesn’t always work if that makes sense

@AliceW89

A huge dose of solidarity. I feel like I’m reading about my DS 1.5 years ago. First things first, it really won’t be like this forever. Even if you do nothing, it will get better. I remember so so well the feeling of being absolutely trapped - 50% due to screamy baby who desperately needed sleep but wouldn’t sleep anywhere but my arms in a dark room…and 50% due to his extreme hatred of pram/carrier/car seat (also wanted to be carried in arms everywhere). I literally didn’t understand how to parent on my own - if my DH hadn’t been home I would have sunk without trace. It was utterly relentless. Parenting him now is easy peasy in comparison!

No real advice on sleep. IME, newborn to 6 or so months is the Wild West, especially 4-5 months. He’s not going to be damaged long term by crap, short naps and overtiredness. I honestly think its a phase you have to survive. Sarah Ockwell Smith has a great article on it: sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/08/29/help-my-4-5-month-old-is-sleeping-like-a-newborn-again-aka-as-the-4-5-month-old-babies-from-hell/ . I found naps got better from about 8 months onwards - he needed to be eating and moving basically and then we fell into a nice routine and he started napping in the cot, which was beyond unimaginable at 4 months.

More generally, have you changed from the bassinet to the buggy attachment on your pram? We did at about 4.5 or 5 months. It wasn’t a miracle cure for us, but DS tolerated it a bit longer - enough I could get round the block. By 6 months he was happy in it and by 8 months he would occasionally nap in it (but I had to be moving at all times, no parking up and sitting back for us!)

Secondly, you aren’t far off him being able to forward face in the sling. Now that was a game changer for us. DS loved it. He could see the world whilst still being ‘held’. I used to walk miles like that (so shoot me!) Does your carrier facilitate this?

Just thinking, DS would often scream in the carrier, but I’d set off outside and within minutes he’d be asleep (never did in the pram - he’d scream for 2h straight in there). Have you tried just pushing through his upset and seeing what happens?

Just to reiterate it will get better!

Thank you for taking time to type this, I have found it very helpful I guess it is just persevering with the thought that it will get better. Same here - when DP is out, I am literally in survival mode. I don’t know how other mums do it and make it look easy, especially with more than one child and partners at work all day! I really though I’d Cope better.

I’ve not tried the seat attachment in the buggy yet, as he is quite a small baby. 6.5kg now, but perhaps once he turns 4 months we can give it a go. I’ve tried the car seat on the buggy. He will sometimes tolerate 10-15mins in that as he can look around. But once he starts screaming that’s it , have to take him out and carry him.

I really look forward to trying forward facing in the carrier. I hope we can do that soon and I’m hopeful. Will check out the article

Hello! Appreciate this thread is a few months old @RiceRiceBaby16 but wanted to see if you've seen any positive improvements since posting?

I have a 12wo DS who sounds very similar. As I type he is currently napping in the carrier after a grizzly afternoon!

Hello! I have only just seen this, will reply shortly!

Firstly, it’s been just over 3 weeks since your post- have things got any better/ easier?
I’m happy to say I’ve got only a positive update to our journey 😀
It has been quite a few months though so we’ve grown and learned a lot together. Very honestly, I’d say things started to improve slightly at 6 months, and MASSIVELY at 7 months. At 6 months he started staying in the buggy for about 20mins at a time and getting better with napping- although still contact naps. And at 7 months it’s like things changed within a week. He was able to independently sit up, and started looking around more and staying in the buggy half an hour at a time or more. Stopped contact napping naturally half of the time, he would just push away as I rocked him and would lay down and feed to sleep next to me. I could then move away and get stuff done or just chill and watch a movie or something next to him,
have a snack. Night sleep also improved massively from 7 months. He’s 9 months next week and things are just getting better. I’m able to sit him down to play on his own now for at least half an hour after he’s rested, so I can get dinner prepped etc. He just enjoys watching me, sometimes even for an hour if I hand him different toys/ objects. Let me know if you have any other specific questions of our journey and I’ll be happy to chat ❤️